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Iam Ape

Not Having A Shit Before Going For A Run

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6 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Just count the centimetres and claim them as inches, publicity gold.

*searches ebay for extra-large ruler*

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Just now, Eric Cuntman said:

*searches encyclopaedia for bullshitometer*

*finds evidence filed under 'w'*

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On 01/03/2017 at 9:46 PM, Ape said:

So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home.

https://www.rt.com/uk/379758-dulwich-london-phantom-poo/

I reckon the Bottom Inspectors will be round your gaff quite soon.

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On ‎3‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 10:46 PM, Iam Ape said:

So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home.

It has taken me some time to get to the real reason why I fucking hate you.  This is it, you filthy ignorant cunt.

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17 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said:

It has taken me some time to get to the real reason why I fucking hate you.  This is it, you filthy ignorant cunt.

That’s interesting, as my hatred of you needed no time whatsoever. Fuck off, you malignant piece of faux-French shit.

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59 minutes ago, Iam Ape said:

That’s interesting, as my hatred of you needed no time whatsoever. Fuck off, you malignant piece of faux-French shit.

I knew instantly you were a pleb after a couple of posts.

Sadly you’ve had a very poor education.Do you have a mild form of spasticity?

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21 minutes ago, Lord Punkape said:

I knew instantly you were a pleb after a couple of posts.

Sadly you’ve had a very poor education.Do you have a mild form of spasticity?

You don’t really understand what ‘instantly’ means, do you? Got and put your pointy hat back on. 

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On 3/1/2017 at 9:46 PM, Iam Ape said:

So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home.

Have you considered moving closer to a more familiar environment where some fucking animals roam and shit freely, like for example Croydon or Rhyl? After doing the business you  could wipe your piles’ hole with some second-hand crack foil or a discarded condom.

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48 minutes ago, Iam Ape said:

You don’t really understand what ‘instantly’ means, do you? Got and put your pointy hat back on. 

He prefers to stick his pointy hat up his back passage.

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39 minutes ago, White Cunt said:

Have you considered moving closer to a more familiar environment where some fucking animals roam and shit freely, like for example Croydon or Rhyl? After doing the business you  could wipe your piles’ hole with some second-hand crack foil or a discarded condom.

Wow - you’re spectacularly shite aren’t you? Absolutely dreadful.

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6 minutes ago, Iam Ape said:

Wow - you’re spectacularly shite aren’t you? Absolutely dreadful.

I will bequeath the honour of being the shite master to your woodland self.

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