Witheredscrote Posted June 28, 2020 Report Share Posted June 28, 2020 36 minutes ago, Wolfie said: You're a bit of a grammatically inept little fartface who appears to have problems distinguishing between a possession and contraction, rules of English that are generally sussed by age 12-13. Your parents really are in the room next door, aren't they? I think you will find that Rampton do not allow parent sleepovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ape™️ Posted June 28, 2020 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2020 34 minutes ago, JohnnySaucePants said: Such banal drivel. You cunt. Wow - that’s a powerful response! You’re clearly a force to be reckoned with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted June 28, 2020 Report Share Posted June 28, 2020 On 01/03/2017 at 21:46, Ape™️ said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. Same scenario! It's 1992 and my last big training run before the London Marathon. I'm living in Heston ('Ooooh Heston is a place on Earth') and my route is a basic circumnavigation of Heathrow Airport. Hatton Cross comes and goes Stanwell hoves into view and there's a bit of a tightening in the colon. Nothing untoward but I'm less than halfway in and the sweat on my brow isn't purely down to the 10 minute miles I'm cranking out. Something more primeval is driving this.... Stanwell Moor - it's getting nasty....and late too. Gotta be 22.00hrs and the only signs of civilization are the 747's overhead and the furtive homosexuals going about their tawdry business on the scrubland set aside for aircraft that overshoot the runway. Unless any of the latter are Mark Oaten then they're not going to welcome my laying what feels like a Tirpitz-sized steamer anywhere near them. Now though, I'm not so much worried about energy depletion and hitting 'The Wall' - sphincter management and control is now all my brain is capable of processing. It's Harmondsworth and my chuff feels like Kenny Ball's cheeks. Portishead are on my Sony Headphone unit - Tortoisehead is in my running shorts. Throwing caution somewhat joyously to the four winds, I spot a cheap hotel. Surely there's a bog there with my name on it and if I rush in, no concierge alive can stop me, for now I am a man possessed of a great weight and mission. Bugger! It's locked and no one's in but this 'dogs egg' has to come out in the next 30 seconds. So I hop round the back, sidle up to the dusbins, drop the Slazengers and release a veritable 'Poonami' all over this particular 3 square feet of Middlesex. There's a happy end to the story in that I found a Big Mac wrapper to wipe and a 6 piece Mc Nuggett (ironically) box to polish and, several pounds lighter, returned home to record a personal best time, with only the merest sign of tagnut on my shreddies. Win - win 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted June 28, 2020 Report Share Posted June 28, 2020 25 minutes ago, Jiggerycock said: Same scenario! It's 1992 and my last big training run before the London Marathon. I'm living in Heston ('Ooooh Heston is a place on Earth') and my route is a basic circumnavigation of Heathrow Airport. Hatton Cross comes and goes Stanwell hoves into view and there's a bit of a tightening in the colon. Nothing untoward but I'm less than halfway in and the sweat on my brow isn't purely down to the 10 minute miles I'm cranking out. Something more primeval is driving this.... Stanwell Moor - it's getting nasty....and late too. Gotta be 22.00hrs and the only signs of civilization are the 747's overhead and the furtive homosexuals going about their tawdry business on the scrubland set aside for aircraft that overshoot the runway. Unless any of the latter are Mark Oaten then they're not going to welcome my laying what feels like a Tirpitz-sized steamer anywhere near them. Now though, I'm not so much worried about energy depletion and hitting 'The Wall' - sphincter management and control is now running all my brain is capable of processing. It's Harmondsworth and my chuff feels like Kenny Ball's cheeks. Portishead are on my Sony Headphone unit - Tortoisehead is in my running shorts. Throwing caution somewhat joyously to the four winds, I spot a cheap hotel. Surely there's a bog there with my name on it and if I rush in, no concierge alive can stop me, for now I am a man possessed of a great weight and mission. Bugger! It's locked and no one's in but this 'dogs egg' has to come out in the next 30 seconds. So I hop round the back, sidle up to the dusbins, drop the Slazengers and release a veritable 'Poonami' all over this particular 3 square feet of Middlesex. There's a happy end to the story in that I found a Big Mac wrapper to wipe and a 6 piece Mc Nuggett (ironically) box to polish and, several pounds lighter, returned home to record a personal best time, with only the merest sign of tagnut on my shreddies. Win - win What a colourful life you have led. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted June 28, 2020 Report Share Posted June 28, 2020 28 minutes ago, Witheredscrote said: What a colourful life you have led. Mmm - most of it brown! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earl of Punkape Posted June 28, 2020 Report Share Posted June 28, 2020 On 01/03/2017 at 21:46, Ape™️ said: So, off out for a mid week run I go, and after a good start, the feeling begins. A tightness in the stomach and a pressure in the arse, pulsing on every foot fall. The continual pounding action gradually pile driving a large quantity of turd towards the exit, compacting it to almost black hole density. 4 miles from home now and this turd wants out. I stop running, hoping that walking will reduce the back pressure, but no, it's reached critical mass and must come out. I'm in a residential area and there is no place to find cover, and now the turtles head is peeking out, and I'm really getting close to shitting myself. It's dark thankfully, so when a large fir tree appears in view, albeit in some poor cunts front garden, I dart in behind it and release about 4 pounds of steaming turd in literally seconds. I have to use grass to wipe my arse, which was far from ideal. I felt bad for the poor cunt whose garden I shat in, but I had no choice. I walked home. You dirty peasant. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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