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Earl of Punkape

World Wanking Championships

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Masturbation is a competitive sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control. 

Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds all-time world records in Speed Masturbation (2.5 seconds), Distance Masturbation (51ft 8in) and Weight Release (29.3 oz). 

The 2020 Olympics will introduce masturbation as a "demonstration sport."

lol.

 

Fuck off.

  • Iron 1

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1 minute ago, Stubby Pecker said:

Neil, over to you....shaped-breast-implants-breast-enhancemen

Men compete in a wide variety of disciplines: 

Speed Masturbation (a.k.a. Fast Release) 

Distance Masturbation 

Weight-Release 

Shooting (various disciplines) 

Triathlon 

On the field of participation, women, or images of them, are strictly forbidden. In recent years, international masturbation has seen a rise in the number of homosexual competitors, who gain a large advantage merely by the presence of the other competitors. The Fall 2011 meeting of the International Masturbation Committee (also known as the Circle Jerk) voted to ban gays from competition, but the result was overturned as the gays played their usual "discrimination"card. Debates continue to this day and there seems to be no solution, so the gays run rampant as usual.

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5 minutes ago, Punkape said:

Men compete in a wide variety of disciplines: 

Speed Masturbation (a.k.a. Fast Release) 

Distance Masturbation 

Weight-Release 

Shooting (various disciplines) 

Triathlon 

On the field of participation, women, or images of them, are strictly forbidden. In recent years, international masturbation has seen a rise in the number of homosexual competitors, who gain a large advantage merely by the presence of the other competitors. The Fall 2011 meeting of the International Masturbation Committee (also known as the Circle Jerk) voted to ban gays from competition, but the result was overturned as the gays played their usual "discrimination"card. Debates continue to this day and there seems to be no solution, so the gays run rampant as usual.

Are you seeded no.1 for the approaching World Championships, as you have been each and every year since its inception?

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Guest Manky

If you saw the women from Cheshire, you would understand Punkape obsession with self pollution.

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5 minutes ago, Manky said:

If you saw the women from Cheshire, you would understand Punkape obsession with self pollution.

Perhaps he's simply a raving queen who wanks like a teenager.

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8 minutes ago, Eddie said:

what is the most sensitive part of your body when having a wank?

 

Your ears. I thank you.

I think you mean your ears, Eddie, as I'm probably not alone in my suspicions that you still live with your mum.

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Guest Manky
14 minutes ago, Wolfie said:

Perhaps he's simply a raving queen who wanks like a teenager.

I hope he pulls his bell end off and bleeds to death.

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I have been in training for the last 45 years and not so much as a hint of a call up,obviously they're looking for quality over quantity.Is the championships being held in the stadium in Bern,Switzerland that was named especially for it?(look it up you lazy cunts)

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25 minutes ago, Eddie said:

what is the most sensitive part of your body when having a wank?

 

Your ears. I thank you.

Fatty must propel himself off the wooden toilet seat like a Fucking attack helicopter should someone disturb his Daily Sport inspired interrogation of Kojak. 

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1 minute ago, Neil said:

I have been in training for the last 45 years and not so much as a hint of a call up,obviously they're looking for quality over quantity.Is the championships being held in the stadium in been,Switzerland that was named especially for it?(look it up you lazy cunts)

45 years? You must qualify for the Veterans Division, traditionally sponsored by Viagra. 

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12 hours ago, Bubba C said:

Fatty must propel himself off the wooden toilet seat like a Fucking attack helicopter should someone disturb his Daily Sport inspired interrogation of Kojak. 

fatty is a very, very sick man, it's the aids cancer. Hasn't been the same since he returned from his solo yearly jaunt to Amsterdam, the dark Quarter

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23 minutes ago, Wolfie said:

45 years? You must qualify for the Veterans Division, traditionally sponsored by Viagra. 

If tested I would be cleared of any illegal substance use,If ever I needed a little blue pill I'd retire from competition and declare myself wankrupt 

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5 minutes ago, Neil said:

If tested I would be cleared of any illegal substance use,If ever I needed a little blue pill I'd retire from competition and declare myself wankrupt 

If I had a pound for every time some bastard gave me an old pound coin in change, I'd have as many as you'd imagine I'd have.

Fuckin bastards

  • Iron 2

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4 hours ago, Punkape said:

Masturbation is a competitive sport. It is necessary to distinguish amateur masturbation from professional masturbation. The former is the most famous and widely-practiced kind of sport on the planet; competitions in it are not contested. The latter is a complex sport which requires power, focus and self-control. 

Male and female masturbation are treated as two separate disciplines, and each requires different skill sets to perfect it. Kevin Stagg is the current male world champion of masturbation and holds all-time world records in Speed Masturbation (2.5 seconds), Distance Masturbation (51ft 8in) and Weight Release (29.3 oz). 

The 2020 Olympics will introduce masturbation as a "demonstration sport."

lol.

 

Fuck off.

Frank is the current European champion being the biggest wanker, tiniest cock, oldest virgin, and has no pubes category.  

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5 hours ago, Monumental cunt said:

Frank is the current European champion being the biggest wanker, tiniest cock, oldest virgin, and has no pubes category.  

Out of likes for this one MC, you vile sack of shit

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Guest Drew P Pissflaps
10 hours ago, Bubba C said:

Fatty must propel himself off the wooden toilet seat like a Fucking attack helicopter should someone disturb his Daily Sport inspired interrogation of Kojak. 

FFS. The mere mention of helicopters will get some members jizzing in the Farahs

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Interesting - in the sense that it's not interesting in the slightest - that victory is determined by empirical rather than judgemental scoring.

What I'm thinking here is something more akin to gymnastics (or rhythmic gymnastics I suppose), where scores are based on style and execution. So the more exotic the wanking style ('Oh a beautiful left-handed, folded back through the legs, with triple toe loop from Kerry Dixon there!) the better.

Oh okay then - a combination of both like ski-jumping , so artless cunts who can crack out in 5 seconds, hefting in at 20cc's, still get to compete.

Whatever.

Punkape has already applied for the head of the panel of judges as well as fluffer and cleaner.

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Guest Drew P Pissflaps

we could send the current England football team to compete. Bunch of wankers.

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Guest Drew P Pissflaps

Lady Pen could help with the competitors in the most flacid wank event.

lol

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1 hour ago, Alfie Noakes said:

Wanking is a sin. Your seed is god's seed and is precious to him and must not be spilled on barren ground.

Presumably you are an atheist, Alfie.

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