Morrisons toilet paper

[Jake The Muss]

It's better than using leaves. 

That's not good for the environment. 

[Guest Wizardsleeve]

On 24/08/2019 at 12:18, Eric Cuntman said:

She saves the spiny skins and stitches them into a doormat. Good for scrubbing the mud off her stilettos after a day of hare coursing. And she's got nice legs from years of climbing down ladders carrying roofing lead. 

Might as well get all the gypsy stereotypes out of the way before Punky logs on.

You were a bit late, Eric.  

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

On 24/08/2019 at 03:52, Neil said:

Mrs N slums it in this chavvy shithole and returns with a 9 pack of own brand bog roll,fuck me,I thought we'd evolved enough from wiping our arses with something akin to greaseproof paper.Im quite keen to look after my nipsy but this abomination spreads it around like peanut butter on glass.My back looked like as badger in negative by the time I'd finished.Starting  school in the 60's harnessed millions of kids phobias about going to the loo leaving skid marks and scratches around the ring piece and this paper is the stuff of nightmares.

Enjoy your breakfast. 

Haven't any of you cunts ever heard of a bidet?

I thought you Euro-types were familiar with them.

You can even buy attachments that turn your toilet seat into a bidet.

Not very expensive and any idiot can install one.

Personally, I cannot imagine ever going back to using dry paper to smear shit around inside the crack of my ass,

Once you start using water to rinse off your asshole after taking a dump, you'll  never go back to dry wiping. 

If you're too poor to afford a couple hundred dollars (don't know what that is in £) you can go to any druggist (or chemist) and pickup one of these bulb syringes (or nasal aspirators) for next to nothing....

Put a bowl of water on the counter next to the crapper, then fill up the syringe a few times and give it a few good hard blasts "back there".

I swear, when you rinse off the old brown spot with water, you go away feeling like you just took a shower.

Makes you feel clean and fresh as a fucking daisy all over, by God and I'm not shitting you boys and girls either.

[Cunty BigBollox]

Trust the Americans to be the experts in the best way to get fluids up your arse.

What do you use to get the shitty finger prints off the bulb of your nasal a(rse)spirator, you filthy cunt?

[Eric Cuntman]

1 hour ago, Salty Piss Flap said:

Haven't any of you cunts ever heard of a bidet?

I thought you Euro-types were familiar with them.

You can even buy attachments that turn your toilet seat into a bidet.

Not very expensive and any idiot can install one.

Personally, I cannot imagine ever going back to using dry paper to smear shit around inside the crack of my ass,

Once you start using water to rinse off your asshole after taking a dump, you'll  never go back to dry wiping. 

If you're too poor to afford a couple hundred dollars (don't know what that is in £) you can go to any druggist (or chemist) and pickup one of these bulb syringes (or nasal aspirators) for next to nothing....

Put a bowl of water on the counter next to the crapper, then fill up the syringe a few times and give it a few good hard blasts "back there".

I swear, when you rinse off the old brown spot with water, you go away feeling like you just took a shower.

Makes you feel clean and fresh as a fucking daisy all over, by God and I'm not shitting you boys and girls either.

Salty, I like you. But you need to desist with the Gwyneth Paltrow style, intimate hygiene advice blog. You'll be telling the girls on here to steam their clams with coffee percolators next!

And anyway, we don't have Bidet's, because they were invented by the French to facilitate gayness.

We just shit in the shower and push it through the plug hole with our toes.

[Cunty BigBollox]

I have a cat so I just shit in the neighbours garden and wipe my hands on any washing they have hanging out. Yes Salty, you fucking waste of resources, we use linen lines to dry washing, not a drier in the basement - in one of the sunniest climates on the planet. And, have you dried filling your nasal aspirator up with bleach to tackle really stubborn dangleberries? 

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

1 hour ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Salty, I like you. But you need to desist with the Gwyneth Paltrow style, intimate hygiene advice blog. You'll be telling the girls on here to steam their clams with coffee percolators next!

And anyway, we don't have Bidet's, because they were invented by the French to facilitate gayness.

Awww, shucks pardner. I ain't the dang ol' cunt who brought up the dang ol' subject of asshole wipin.  

Heck, that was one-a you dang ol' fellers!!!

I was jest a-tryin' ta tell ye 'bout a good way ta git the dang ol' shit off'n yer brown spot.

Tain't nothin wrong with that.

1 hour ago, Eric Cuntman said:

We just shit in the shower and push it through the plug hole with our toes.

Heh heh. Now that's some goddamn funny shit right there, pard.

(Note: If there are any questions re: the reason for the above Hoss Cartwright style western cowpoke shit-kicker dialect, it's because I was merely attempting to reestablish my image and bona-fides as a rugged, all-American, macho heterosexual he-man after that dressing down by Eric, which quite frankly, made me a bit teary-eyed and weepy.)

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

52 minutes ago, Cunty BigBollox said:

I have a cat so I just shit in the neighbours garden and wipe my hands on any washing they have hanging out. Yes Salty, you fucking waste of resources, we use linen lines to dry washing, not a drier in the basement - in one of the sunniest climates on the planet. And, have you dried filling your nasal aspirator up with bleach to tackle really stubborn dangleberries? 

I've found that those are best dealt with using a spray can of butane and a Bic lighter.

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

1 hour ago, Cunty BigBollox said:

Trust the Americans to be the experts in the best way to get fluids up your arse.

What do you use to get the shitty finger prints off the bulb of your nasal a(rse)spirator, you filthy cunt?

Nothing ever touches any shit, ye dumbfuck.

It's like spraying the mud off your car with a nozzle on the garden hose.

But hey... if you prefer to continue the disgusting practice of smearing feces around the inside of your asscrack with dry tissue paper, then walking around the rest of the day with the filthy residue still squishing around back there and hints of the stink probably wafting up occasionally making everyone around you gag, then be my guest.

More power to ye, as they say.

(That having been said, I bet several of you will be giving it a try by week's end.) 

[colonelkurtz]

Torn up Daily Mirror on a nail in the lavvy at my Grans .. what do you think of that you mardarse muurican fanny dancers.  Soon it'll be " and how are you t'day  , I sure hope you've cleansed your post evac anus the way your uncle Hiram showed ya " 

[Eric Cuntman]

9 hours ago, Salty Piss Flap said:

Awww, shucks pardner. I ain't the dang ol' cunt who brought up the dang ol' subject of asshole wipin.  

Heck, that was one-a you dang ol' fellers!!!

I was jest a-tryin' ta tell ye 'bout a good way ta git the dang ol' shit off'n yer brown spot.

Tain't nothin wrong with that.

Heh heh. Now that's some goddamn funny shit right there, pard.

(Note: If there are any questions re: the reason for the above Hoss Cartwright style western cowpoke shit-kicker dialect, it's because I was merely attempting to reestablish my image and bona-fides as a rugged, all-American, macho heterosexual he-man after that dressing down by Eric, which quite frankly, made me a bit teary-eyed and weepy.)

No need to be upset. If you need to reestablish your all American masculinity, simply spend an afternoon watching baseball in your underpants, drinking beer and spraying WD-40 on your civilian registered AR-15. Then go out in your pickup truck, drive around until you see a dead animal, then strap it to the hood, and drive home screaming 'YEEEEHAAAAAW', and throwing Budweiser cans out of the window. 

 

[camberwell gypsy]

10 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Salty, I like you. But you need to desist with the Gwyneth Paltrow style, intimate hygiene advice blog. You'll be telling the girls on here to steam their clams with coffee percolators next!

And anyway, we don't have Bidet's, because they were invented by the French to facilitate gayness.

We just shit in the shower and push it through the plug hole with our toes.

We had a bidet when I was a kid. My granny used it to wash the mud off her 'tug of war' boots. 

[camberwell gypsy]

9 hours ago, Salty Piss Flap said:

Awww, shucks pardner. I ain't the dang ol' cunt who brought up the dang ol' subject of asshole wipin.  

Heck, that was one-a you dang ol' fellers!!!

I was jest a-tryin' ta tell ye 'bout a good way ta git the dang ol' shit off'n yer brown spot.

Tain't nothin wrong with that.

Heh heh. Now that's some goddamn funny shit right there, pard.

(Note: If there are any questions re: the reason for the above Hoss Cartwright style western cowpoke shit-kicker dialect, it's because I was merely attempting to reestablish my image and bona-fides as a rugged, all-American, macho heterosexual he-man after that dressing down by Eric, which quite frankly, made me a bit teary-eyed and weepy.)

Hoss Cartwright? I thought it was Elaine Stritch!

[camberwell gypsy]

1 hour ago, Eric Cuntman said:

No need to be upset. If you need to   Reestablish your all American masculinity, simply spend an afternoon watching baseball in your underpants, drinking beer and spraying WD-40 on your civilian registered AR-15. Then go out in your pickup truck, drive around until you see a dead animal, then strap it to the hood, and drive home screaming 'YEEEEHAAAAAW', and throwing Budweiser cans out of the window. 

 

You forgot, wearing a vest and beating his wife for taking too long getting a beer from his huge "fuck off" fridge.

[Cuntybaws]

9 hours ago, Salty Piss Flap said:

(Note: If there are any questions re: the reason for the above Hoss Cartwright style western cowpoke shit-kicker dialect, it's because I was merely attempting to reestablish my image and bona-fides as a rugged, all-American, macho heterosexual he-man after that dressing down by Eric, which quite frankly, made me a bit teary-eyed and weepy.)

I don't want to burst your bubble, but you're coming across more "Brokeback Mountain" than "Marlboro Man" here.

[Penny Farthing]

Bidets are for arse bandits.

[Guest Erroreptile404]

The correct way to deal with shit lol (and also the video that made mong Billy cry 😂 )

 

 

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

3 hours ago, Erroreptile404 said:

The correct way to deal with shit lol (and also the video that made mong Billy cry 😂 )

It's obvious from the sound of their childish snickering that this video was made by a couple of immature teenagers.

So by reposting it and expressing simpatico, you've proven which age group and IQ level whose mentality you share.

Not that it wasn't already common knowledge.

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

2 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

I don't want to burst your bubble, but you're coming across more "Brokeback Mountain" than "Marlboro Man" here.

Oh come on now.

We know you're a "bubble burster" from way back.

Bet you used to burst all the young lads' "bubbles" back in the day. 

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

1 hour ago, Glowworm said:

Bidets are for arse bandits.

I think turd burglars are into actual enemas, not just rinsing off the outside of the asshole.

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

2 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

You forgot, wearing a vest and beating his wife for taking too long getting a beer from his huge "fuck off" fridge.

I just have one "wife beater" t-shirt that I make her rinse out once per month whether it needs it or not.

Vests are a bit too "fancy" for me.

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

2 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

Hoss Cartwright? I thought it was Elaine Stritch!

Well, my goal is to try to keep you in Stritches...

But I prefer to channel my ol pal Hoss.

Dad burn it.

[Guest Salty Piss Flap]

3 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

No need to be upset. If you need to reestablish your all American masculinity, simply spend an afternoon watching baseball in your underpants, drinking beer and spraying WD-40 on your civilian registered AR-15. Then go out in your pickup truck, drive around until you see a dead animal, then strap it to the hood, and drive home screaming 'YEEEEHAAAAAW', and throwing Budweiser cans out of the window. 

A typical Saturday, in other words.

[scotty]

3 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

We had a bidet when I was a kid. My granny used it to wash the mud off her 'tug of war' boots. 

"Tug of war" boots, is that how she referred to foreplay? 🤔

[Frank]

4 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

No need to be upset. If you need to reestablish your all American masculinity, simply spend an afternoon watching baseball in your underpants, drinking beer and spraying WD-40 on your civilian registered AR-15. Then go out in your pickup truck, drive around until you see a dead animal, then strap it to the hood, and drive home screaming 'YEEEEHAAAAAW', and throwing Budweiser cans out of the window. 

 

Idiot.