Forgetting You’ve Eaten Beetroot And Briefly Panicking You’ve Got Bowel Cancer

[Ape™️]

Ate a load of the purple shit last night (spicy variety in a jar - delicious) and then drunk a load of red wine. Woke up with a hangover, went for a shit and was horrified. Then I remembered the beetroot. 

lol

Fuck off.

 

[Guest Bill Stickers]

Call 111 and ask to be triaged to the mental health team.

Stupid fucking cunt.

[White Cunt]

40 minutes ago, Ape™️ said:

Ate a load of the purple shit last night (spicy variety in a jar - delicious) and then drunk a load of red wine. Woke up with a hangover, went for a shit and was horrified. Then I remembered the beetroot. 

lol

Fuck off.

 

Or it could mean that you do have cancer and the beetroot is just sheer coincidence.

[camberwell gypsy]

Years ago I heard a scream from brothers bedroom. I ran in to find him in bed with red and brown in his hands and all over the bed, screaming he was hemorrhaging. The dozy drunken cunt had got home with a kebab, took it to bed to eat and fell asleep before he'd finished it.  

[King Billy]

23 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

Years ago I heard a scream from brothers bedroom. I ran in to find him in bed with red and brown in his hands and all over the bed, screaming he was hemorrhaging. The dozy drunken cunt had got home with a kebab, took it to bed to eat and fell asleep before he'd finished it.  

Normal for Neil to find loads of blood and soil all over himself in the morning if he’s had a busy night.

[Ape™️]

37 minutes ago, Bill Stickers said:

 Call 111 and ask to be triaged to the mental health team.

Stupid fucking cunt.

How’s your quest to knock me off the leaderboard going? Not very well from what I can see!

Stupid fucking cunt.

[Rev]

I'm not entirely convinced that half a kilo of Baxters Crinkle Cut falling out of your arse presages such an acute condition.

Have you tried drinking a good quality drain cleaner? Keep us all updated.

[Guest 'eavensabove]

11 hours ago, Rev said:

I'm not entirely convinced that half a kilo of Baxters Crinkle Cut falling out of your arse presages such an acute condition.

Have you tried drinking a good quality drain cleaner? Keep us all updated.

Or forgetting about dining on a can of Green Giant and misplacing ones necklace.

 

[Cunty BigBollox]

....or is it more likely to have been your boyfriend taking advantage of your drunken state and gave you a rough pummeling.

[Earl of Punkape]

15 hours ago, Ape™️ said:

Ate a load of the purple shit last night (spicy variety in a jar - delicious) and then drunk a load of red wine. Woke up with a hangover, went for a shit and was horrified. Then I remembered the beetroot. 

lol

Fuck off.

 

Where did you purchase your beetroot Ape?

Fortnum and Mason ?

[Ape™️]

9 hours ago, Earl of Punkape said:

Where did you purchase your beetroot Ape?

Fortnum and Mason ?

I’ve never purchased a beetroot ape. Learn to use your words like a big boy, then try again. #imbecile

[King Billy]

5 minutes ago, Ape™️ said:

I’ve never purchased a beetroot ape. Learn to use your words like a big boy, then try again. #imbecile

You have to give it to Punkers Ape. Even in the midst of a pandemic he doesn’t swerve off script.Imagine if he actually is the Marquis of Knutsford and lives in a massive stately home and plays golf regularly with other chinless Hooray Henry’s and then has his manservant Archibald gently remove his 18ct love eggs every night before fisting him furiously to sleep while quietly reading him a Jeeves and Wooster bedtime story.

[Last Cunt Standing]

On 04/04/2020 at 05:11, Ape™️ said:

Ate a load of the purple shit last night (spicy variety in a jar - delicious) and then drunk a load of red wine. Woke up with a hangover, went for a shit and was horrified. Then I remembered the beetroot. 

lol

Fuck off.

 

I’d give Asparagus a swerve too for the moment if you’re lurching towards hypochondria. A rigid cystoscopy is never a good start to the day from the end you’d be on. 

[King Billy]

1 minute ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

I’d give Asparagus a swerve too

A useful tip.

[Last Cunt Standing]

9 minutes ago, King Billy said:

A useful tip.

dragon fruit also worth a miss. Looks like a late abortion when you stand up and look into the pan. 

[southerncunt]

3 minutes ago, Last Cunt Standing said:

dragon fruit also worth a miss. Looks like a late abortion when you stand up and look into the pan. 

Plus it tastes of fuck all. 

[Last Cunt Standing]

12 minutes ago, southerncunt said:

Plus it tastes of fuck all. 

Tasteless fruit? You’re thinking of Punkape, surely?

Hope all is well in Victoria. Any plague ships off your Coast?

[Guest N/A]

On 03/04/2020 at 22:43, Bill Stickers said:

Call 111 and ask to be triaged to the mental health team.

Stupid fucking cunt.

Can you get bowel cancer..... please