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scotty

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Guest Wizardsleeve

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. 
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." 

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" 

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." 

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"They certainly are!"  I grinned. "My neighbour works early on Mondays, so I pop round and hop into bed with his wife. Wednesday is quiet at the office, I always take my secretary to lunch and get a hotel room before we go back. Thursday is the day the cleaner comes, and believe me, she comes!" I winked. "Then every Saturday afternoon I tell the wife I'm going to the football, but I actually go to her sisters place and..."

"Sorry to interrupt," said the doctor, looking up from my test results. "But when I asked whether your affairs were in order...."

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"How was the hen party last night?"  I asked my girlfriend. 

"Terrible," she groaned. "I got so drunk I passed out on the pool table. When I came to, some joker had put the triangle over my head and chalked my nose." 

"That's not so bad," I chuckled.

"No," she sighed. "But then I found the cue."

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1 hour ago, scotty said:

"How was the hen party last night?"  I asked my girlfriend. 

"Terrible," she groaned. "I got so drunk I passed out on the pool table. When I came to, some joker had put the triangle over my head and chalked my nose." 

"That's not so bad," I chuckled.

"No," she replied. "But then I found the cue."

Which was potted, the brown or the pink?

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The dominatrix led me into the room. Money changed hands. She ordered me to sit down, then turned off the light, switched on the television and left.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The most indescribable acts being carried out, and unbelievable cruelty. 

An hour later she came back into the room. Trembling with anticipation, I quavered "is this where you use the handcuffs and whips?"

"No," she replied. "Time's up, you can leave." 

"Listen love," I said. "I didn't pay you three hundred quid just to make me watch the X Factor."

 

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"I've been trying so hard to lose weight like you said," I told my diabetes consultant.

"You're going to lose at least four stone in the next six weeks," he replied. 

"That's great news, is the diet really that good?" I asked. 

"What diet?" he said. "You've got gangrene in both legs and they need to be amputated." 

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Guest Wizardsleeve
  • What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her.
  • Why are kitchen appliances white? To match the wedding dress
  • What do you do when your wife comes from the kitchen to nag at you while you're watching TV? Shorten the leash
  • What do 3 million abused women do every year? They don't fucking listen
  • Why don't women need a driver's license? Because there's no road from the bedroom to the kitchen.
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On 06/10/2016 at 5:15 PM, scotty said:

I was in agony in the A and E ward. The doctor told the nurse "give IV morphine." 

I groaned "fuck Ivy, I was here first." 

That reminds me of when I was a student nurse. This elderly patient called me over and through his oxygen mask asked "Are my testicles black". So I lifted his gown and took his cock in one hand and balls in the other and took a look. "No they're fine". With this he took the mask off and said "That was very nice but are my test results back"? 

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