scotty Posted September 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2016 I think my new girlfriend might be a bit of a slut. When I finished shagging her for the first time, I reached for the tissues and took off the condom. Then I realised I hadn't been wearing one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 "This is the first time I've gambled on the horses," I told the bookie. "How does it work?" "Basically," he replied, "you give me your money, and I keep it." They don't call him Honest John for nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 In bed with my girlfriend, I whispered "how would you like my ring on your finger?" "Yes, of course I'll marry you," she beamed. Nice girl, but she doesn't know much about foreplay. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2016 "They certainly are!" I grinned. "My neighbour works early on Mondays, so I pop round and hop into bed with his wife. Wednesday is quiet at the office, I always take my secretary to lunch and get a hotel room before we go back. Thursday is the day the cleaner comes, and believe me, she comes!" I winked. "Then every Saturday afternoon I tell the wife I'm going to the football, but I actually go to her sisters place and..." "Sorry to interrupt," said the doctor, looking up from my test results. "But when I asked whether your affairs were in order...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 "How was the hen party last night?" I asked my girlfriend. "Terrible," she groaned. "I got so drunk I passed out on the pool table. When I came to, some joker had put the triangle over my head and chalked my nose." "That's not so bad," I chuckled. "No," she sighed. "But then I found the cue." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheredscrote Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 1 hour ago, scotty said: "How was the hen party last night?" I asked my girlfriend. "Terrible," she groaned. "I got so drunk I passed out on the pool table. When I came to, some joker had put the triangle over my head and chalked my nose." "That's not so bad," I chuckled. "No," she replied. "But then I found the cue." Which was potted, the brown or the pink? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 3 hours ago, witheredscrote said: Which was potted, the brown or the pink? Ask gypps mate, that was one of her jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 The word "nothing" is a palindrome. "Nothing" reversed is "Gnihton". Which also means nothing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 4 hours ago, Bubba C said: The word "nothing" is a palindrome. "Nothing" reversed is "Gnihton". Which also means nothing. Excellent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratcum Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 4 hours ago, Bubba C said: The word "nothing" is a palindrome. "Nothing" reversed is "Gnihton". Which also means nothing. this is quite good bubbler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2016 My wife crawled into the kitchen. "I've just fallen down the stairs," she groaned. "Didn't you fucking hear me?" "Yes," I replied. "I assumed you were watching Eastenders." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2016 The dominatrix led me into the room. Money changed hands. She ordered me to sit down, then turned off the light, switched on the television and left. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The most indescribable acts being carried out, and unbelievable cruelty. An hour later she came back into the room. Trembling with anticipation, I quavered "is this where you use the handcuffs and whips?" "No," she replied. "Time's up, you can leave." "Listen love," I said. "I didn't pay you three hundred quid just to make me watch the X Factor." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted September 23, 2016 Report Share Posted September 23, 2016 I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 26, 2016 I asked my mate about his test results. "I've got septicaemia, liver damage and pancreatic cancer" he replied. "And to top it all, I'm suffering from depression." "No fucking shit," I said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 "I've been trying so hard to lose weight like you said," I told my diabetes consultant. "You're going to lose at least four stone in the next six weeks," he replied. "That's great news, is the diet really that good?" I asked. "What diet?" he said. "You've got gangrene in both legs and they need to be amputated." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 Sam Allardyce has been sacked for corruption as England manager. He'll probably want to take a break until the fuss dies down. Might I suggest that Robert Maxwells yacht is still available for charter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 "It's valentines day," said my wife. "Why don't you go shopping and get something that'll make me look really sexy?" So I came back with two litres of vodka and a case of Stella. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her. Why are kitchen appliances white? To match the wedding dress What do you do when your wife comes from the kitchen to nag at you while you're watching TV? Shorten the leash What do 3 million abused women do every year? They don't fucking listen Why don't women need a driver's license? Because there's no road from the bedroom to the kitchen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted September 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 "Come on love," I pleaded. "I'm really horny, and I told you I don't mind a little blood.." "It's the wrong time," she snapped. "And I've got a headache." Selfish bitch. It's over six hours since the abortion. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 How do you milk sheep? Release the iPhone 7. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted October 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 On 30/09/2016 at 11:40 PM, Mike Hunt said: How do you milk sheep? Release the iPhone 7. Aha, another conscript. Keep it up mike, bubbles, quim, manky and me are fighting a losing battle here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted October 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 I was in agony in the A and E ward. The doctor told the nurse "give IV morphine." I groaned "fuck Ivy, I was here first." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted October 7, 2016 Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 On 06/10/2016 at 5:15 PM, scotty said: I was in agony in the A and E ward. The doctor told the nurse "give IV morphine." I groaned "fuck Ivy, I was here first." That reminds me of when I was a student nurse. This elderly patient called me over and through his oxygen mask asked "Are my testicles black". So I lifted his gown and took his cock in one hand and balls in the other and took a look. "No they're fine". With this he took the mask off and said "That was very nice but are my test results back"? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.