scotty Posted February 9, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2017 With my new Thai bride on our wedding night, we were getting into the foreplay and I was sucking her off when I thought "hang on a fucking minute..." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 9, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2017 "I sometimes wonder if you even know what my face looks like." Said my girlfriends tits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mingeeta Posted February 10, 2017 Report Share Posted February 10, 2017 Abdul is on his deathbed and his last request to his family is he converts to Christianity so he can meet God and Jesus. His family agree and a priest converts him and then no sooner, he's gone. Abdul gets his wish and at the Pearly gates meets St. Peter. "What can I do for you" asks St. Peter. "I've come for Jesus" says Abdul. St. Peter says "no problem wait there". The Saint pushes one gate open and shouts " Jesus, here's your taxi". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 I'm investing 50% of my portfolio in Cancer Research UK. I've heard it's a growth industry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 13, 2017 Report Share Posted February 13, 2017 A recruitment consultant calls a software professional. She: Hello Sir, I have two openings for you. He: Of course you do, but I am married. She hangs up the phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 14, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2017 I found a hole in my trainer big enough for my finger. She made an official complaint, and now I'm banned from the gym. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 14, 2017 Report Share Posted February 14, 2017 Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted February 15, 2017 Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 15 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt. To smear a load of pulped royal shit on the other side? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mingeeta Posted February 15, 2017 Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 Channel 4 are to make a new gameshow with Noel Edmunds as presenter. There will initially be 26 pigs in a pen, and by process of elimination players have to guess which one Noel shagged the night before. A Channel 4 spokesman said " We hope to air SQUEAL OR NO SQUEAL" soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted February 15, 2017 Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 45 minutes ago, Mingeeta said: Channel 4 are to make a new gameshow with Noel Edmunds as presenter. There will initially be 26 pigs in a pen, and by process of elimination players have to guess which one Noel shagged the night before. A Channel 4 spokesman said " We hope to air SQUEAL OR NO SQUEAL" soon. Fucking hell. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 15, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 2 hours ago, Bubba C said: Fucking hell. Quite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted February 15, 2017 Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 53 minutes ago, scotty said: Quite. Let's get this nom back on track...... A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was. I replied, "Mate, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want." You're very welcome. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stubby Pecker Posted February 15, 2017 Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 3 minutes ago, Bubba C said: Let's get this nom back on track...... A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was. I replied, "Mate, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want." You're very welcome. Out of likes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 15, 2017 Report Share Posted February 15, 2017 What's black and sits atop a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 I'm not saying my girlfriend is flat-chested. But the label on her bra reads "Contents may settle in transit". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 16, 2017 Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2017 "No daddy, please don't make me!!" pleaded my young son. "It tastes horrible and smells of wee!" "That's an awful thing to say," I scolded him. "Now stop being so silly and give your nan a kiss." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddie Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 Doctor, doctor, my husband was admitted into hospital for involuntary buttock spasms. Where is he? ICU, baby. Shakin' that ass. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 My wife and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and jizzed all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 17, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 "What's your all time favourite opening line to a movie?" asked my wife. I thought for a moment, and said "I've come to fix the washing machine." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted February 21, 2017 Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? The knife has a point! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 21, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 Lisa has 750 friends on facebook. A week later, she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Huge tits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted February 21, 2017 Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 When the police came for black people, I remained silent; I am not black. When they locked up the Muslims, I remained silent; I am not a Muslim. When.........They never showed up again because the community was so much safer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted February 22, 2017 Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 9 hours ago, Bubba C said: When the police came for black people, I remained silent; I am not black. When they locked up the Muslims, I remained silent; I am not a Muslim. When.........They never showed up again because the community was so much safer. Welsh was next eh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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