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These pricks have been told that they can't play out their silly fantasies at Stonehenge this year. It's about time that someone pointed out that modern "druids" have absolutely no connection with ancient druids and neither group have any connection with, nor knowledge of, the builders or the original use of the monument.

Update your electrical system and bring the light of the world into your lives this Christmas. Hallelujah praise the lord

I recently had the utter misfortune of watching this pile of wank starring a walking plank, a bunch of randoms and a shit load of characters from a computer game. The book is one of the best I've read in a long while, encapsulating horror, comedy, history, politics, military hardware, environmentalism- you name its in there. I genuinely creepy and disturbing read from and author who obviously did his research and was a massive fan of these subjects to start with. Anyone involved must be thoroughly ashamed of the end product, assuming they actually read the fucking book in the first place. It's a total pile of fucking shit and no mistake. An opportunity missed

Am I missing something with this supposed bass god? I've listened to his shit over the years and have concluded that it's a load of bollocks with a load of echo on. Fucking dreadful.

So some wee tart I know has gone down the 'sport are troops' route and decided to do this thing for charity. She seems to get involved in military causes, which makes me think she will be a military wife in a few years (hardest job in the military, don't cha know). She looks like the failed first draft of nose-art for the Enola Gay (the bomber, not Spunkape's Range Rover); sort of like a butch Betty Boop with thunder thighs. Every day for the last few weeks she has rolled a new video out onto social media, in which she performs 22 pushups. Apparently this is to raise awareness of PTSD and veteran suicide (duh!) and not, you know, some sort of narcissistic attention-grabbing bollocks on her part. No idea how she raises money from this charade. She makes 22 pushups look like a piece of piss, so maybe she should be doing 50, or doing them over lit coals or something. Anyhoo, next time Rambo is patrolling his bedsit at 3:00 am with a hunting knife because a car backfired in the street I'm sure he will be glad that some wee lassie bolstered her Instragram fellowship in the name of this worthy cause. Remember, Sport Are Troops.

Who the fuck would have a Wickes kitchen in their home? Cheap shit that will fall apart in 6 months. Just heard an advert for them on the radio (or 'wireless' if you're northern), that you can buy them ready to install. Thats fucking great news, I'd hate to have to buy a big box of sawdust and be required to compact it into cupboard doors myself.

Where do I start? This band produce the most horrendous dirge to grace the aural spectrum. Their music is the kind of music that makes people feel like going to dignitas. You know how bands start sounding the same after two albums, well they sound the same after two songs. Shite ballady bollocks for recently split up thirty something women with only cats for company. Chris Martin please just stop. Boring cunts music.

Lately, every time I am put in a position whereby I must shite away from the house, and I don't mean the office or anything controlled, it's a fucking cunt. Last Thursday morning before leaving Casa Cockfingers I wasn't quite there, despite expending some grunting and heaving trying to shite out the sirloin from day before. Fucking caught out, en route to meet some cunt on the Riverside in stinking Glasgow, in the pishing rain, limited venues. Stopped in a shit cafe full of ugly wet bastards, hoop drooling shite, got to the pan just in time for the first blurt- alas- the remainder solid, not rock solid but fairly elastic - problematic. Lodged about 2/3 committed. Cunt. Late as fuck so caution to the wind, I decided to snip and retract, snip and retract. As we know this is second best to a clean slam dunk, no "calving", but often necessary. Usually one can crimp off relatively cleanly and with an indrawn breath "suck" that turtle back into its shell to await a second break for the sea. No such fucking luck! Could not snip that shite! I managed to bottleneck it a bit, give it a tiny waist, but my hoop was certainly out of trim from Mrs C's recent merciless fistings and couldn't quite cheesewire right through. Normally it's like a giant squids beak, but not this time- no fucking danger! Decision point. What to do? Come on Quincy, what would Magiver do? Either wait for a "gravity assist" (no fucking time, that's out), attempt a full retraction (risky), or plough in with a fistful of bog roll and hand crimp/Caesarian the cunt. Right, fucking option C- inelegant but at least you're in the driving seat, go for it. Bastard shiny bog roll! Who invents this shit, who buys it? Must it be a frictionless surface? I cautiously grip the shite at its narrowest gauge- right by the hoop- between thumb, forefinger and pvc bog roll, I fuck it up and squidge it, the texture and resistance is fucking rank so I bottle it. I know I'm fucked. The residual dump has that uncomfortable feeling indicating it's much larger than reality- it must go, so I fall to heaving, straining, eyeballs bulging as I become some kind of purple Ainsley fucking Harriot. Fucking nosebleed - right into my keks and inside my light grey suit trousers. Shite half born, only thing left to soldier on with the shite bog roll, literally spreading it up my back like Nutella. That fucking stuff- so shiny on the flat, but sharp as fuck on the fold. Wiped and wiped but every time caked in shite - fuck all difference- until my rings blood appears with the shite. Cunt. Shitty sore arsed stupid fucking cunt trudging through the pissing Glasgow rain with apparent vadge bleeding going on, to meet some builder cunt who would assuredly rip the fucking piss? Fuck no- 200 taxi home to scrub the shite and blood off in the shower. Fucking total cunt. And interesting.

Dangerous ice everywhere, the ProfB mobile was today covered in mud - shite was flying off tractor tyres onto me wagon. Shite & slop everywhere. I hate cuntbreed Jan sale - why would I want to buy Christmas cards at half price? Soo weird. M&S had mini Xmas trees at half price? Do they think the public don’t know what time of year it is? CUNTS. If me wagon ain’t covered in ice, it’s covered in mud - soo annoying, I like when we have an heatwave & the ‘red top’ noowspapers say “Britain sizzles” - I love sizzlingly. Soo warm, the Summer of Love is on its way!

Royal Mail cuntbreeds shove leaflets & dear homeowner shite through me letterbox weekly. I met me postman walking up me path the other day, he said “here is some rubbish for you”, so they know they are delivery rubbish. The rubbish included a Salvation Army letter with those frigging coasters they are currently obsessed with sending me - what happened to the bloody biros that never worked? & what shite will they think of sending next? Bugger off with your rubbish.

7:30 PM ProfB Hello Mr Agentpeanut 7:35 PM Agentpeanut Whatcha wearing? uid1691 Stubby Pecker has entered the room ProfB Me wooly jumper Agentpeanut Thanks for killing my boner. ProfB Good evening Stubby Pecker how are you? Hello this is ProfB Agentpeanut uid1691 Stubby Pecker has left the room ProfB i am wearing me burka, as you p curled up Agentpeanut I think I just came. ProfB hello agentpenists 7:40 PM uid1733 Snatch has entered the room ProfB Me burka? OMG Snatch Evening cunts ProfB Hello mr snatch- do you have fish pond? Snatch No,live on the second floor ProfB Got a window box then lad? Snatch why you ask? Selling some fish? no aint got one of them either ProfB Yes, I have gold fish for sale or rent or hire Snatch I could put it in my bath ProfB Goodnight, sleep tight & I hope the bed bugs bite? uid1576 ProfB has left the room uid1672 Agentpeanut has left the room uid1733 Snatch has left the room uid1772 ProfB has entered the room uid1772 ProfB has left the room ProfB has entered the room

7:30 PM ProfB Hello Mr Agentpeanut 7:35 PM Agentpeanut Whatcha wearing? uid1691 Stubby Pecker has entered the room ProfB Me wooly jumper Agentpeanut Thanks for killing my boner. ProfB Good evening Stubby Pecker how are you? Hello this is ProfB Agentpeanut uid1691 Stubby Pecker has left the room ProfB i am wearing me burka, as you p curled up Agentpeanut I think I just came. ProfB hello agentpenists 7:40 PM uid1733 Snatch has entered the room ProfB Me burka? OMG Snatch Evening cunts ProfB Hello mr snatch- do you have fish pond? Snatch No,live on the second floor ProfB Got a window box then lad? Snatch why you ask? Selling some fish? no aint got one of them either ProfB Yes, I have gold fish for sale or rent or hire Snatch I could put it in my bath ProfB Goodnight, sleep tight & I hope the bed bugs bite? uid1576 ProfB has left the room uid1672 Agentpeanut has left the room uid1733 Snatch has left the room uid1772 ProfB has entered the room uid1772 ProfB has left the room ProfB has entered the room