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colonelkurtz

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  1. No need for an apology .. let's just be thankful that caring sharing cunts like us know the true value of those special nights in the year when charidees and pontificating Z list celebs lecture us while keeping an eye on viewing figures and blog likes. I eagerly await the appointment of Sir Leonard of Dudleys replacement .. my money is on Frankie Boyle.
  2. Cost of living . Gaza . Ukraine . Collapsed NHS ... nah. Let's instead all spare a thought for the poor dears amidst their ghastly fuck up of a task which could be competently done these days by most 12 year olds with couple of minutes to spare between sending dick pics world wide.
  3. Works better in Parisian rather than Govan accent
  4. I always preferred that French blokes approach sitting next to the Houston woman on the TV chat show with his " Aaah waant to ferck yueuwwh"
  5. Was he Smashy or Nicey and can we expect a poptastic rocka doodle do star studded celebriddy packed funeral ?
  6. All I gathered from the cosy chat was how come this Carlson cunt has that permanent 'concerned' expression that he clearly thinks conveys appreciation or understanding of the proceedings but merely looks as though he just shat himself or trying to curl on out on the sly. ? Vlad however merely bears that relaxed smirk that says "da, muurican twatski".
  7. With the media now at defcon red white and blue eagerly awaiting the Middleton womans rightful ascension to the new queenie gig and the accompanying super soar away front pages with full colour centre spread yummy mummy fashion tips and grooming advice. Nicholas Witchell will be polishing the good brogues and ironing the sombre suit As for Sunak .." Thoughts and prayers etc., etc. ... But hey ! Coronation and Election combo boost. fucking get in! "
  8. The last time I looked the Commodore 64 is still languishing in the loft along with other assorted shite that I've never got round to dumping although Mrs Kurtz did suggest long ago that we could get rid rid of the collection of "interesting" magazines from my dim and distant youth. All you young 'uns can stop sniggering as well, 64kbRam + 20kbRom with C90 cassette game loading was the dog's bollocks back then.
  9. TORVILLE AND DEAN- Simpering go to option for anything to do with poncing about in sequins and mascara then falling arse over tit. More personality in a basket full of damp washing. TIM PEAKE- The lovable cuddly ISS crew member whose main responsibility was emptying the bins and admonishing anyone thinking of setting fire to farts. JANE McDONALD- Where the fuck did this come from and what's it for ? One time pub singer and now alleged travel and cultural expert. One for the menopausal mummsy demographic and Northern [well, Yorkshire, but never mind]. The GILF Hall of fame awaits. CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS- Much like seasonal vegetables being mainly available December to February for unfucking believably inflated ticket priced seasonal 'entertainment' extravaganzas. Suggestions that any old cack panel show are also part of his repertoire are untrue darling. EDWINA CURRY- Jewish , Eggs, Blow Jobs, Front Door, Back Door ... Ooh, a little bit of politics there. NOEL EDMONDS – Archetypal smug 70's poptastic R1 type. Once the face of Saturday evening TV , now the face so deserving of a high velocity meeting with a length of rough sawn 4x2 . A few re invents later and hey presto we have the all round cunt we all know and detest making him a perfect fit in Australia. ASSORTED ‘ NATIONAL TREASURES’ - D.Attenborough , J. Dench , D.Jason , I.McKellen , C.Balding , J. Oliver . L.Henry etc. ROYALTY/ARISTOCRACY – The undisputed gold standard for generational winging it. Far too numerous to mention. OH! .. and ALAN SUGAR - Just because.
  10. Willing to abandon my political instincts by nominating Penny Mordaunt - my fantasy 80's Catherine Deneuve wank bank chart topper.
  11. The flabby orange arse wipe is unfit to run a fucking pay as you go portaloo
  12. The stupid bastarding cunt at Tesco filling station tonight was obviously unaware that the hoses are more than capable of reaching around the car regardless of which side your filler is on. The gormless cunt obviously thinks there's no option other than lining up the filler like that cute littls dashboard picture tells you to do. The real cuntness is the waiting queue she causes while doing what resembles three or four 10 point turns with endless circuits of the forecourt combined with forward - reverse - left - right ... ooh which one is it ? Then it's ooh .. is it the green hose or the black one ? She's only driving a fecking Nissan Juke ffs . Even the cashier at the kiosk window has a look on his face that says " Tell you what love, just fuck off to Sainsburys why don't you"
  13. Biggles and his pals - jolly good chaps one and all - would certainly have approved of such spiffing japes above our green and pleasant land before setting out to prang a few jerries over the channel. The Red Arrows, What a bunch of "Look up in awe mere mortals and marvel at us in our sexy red flying suits" cunts
  14. At least we can be thankful that the Middleton woman won't let herself go like her father in laws sister. The glowing complexion, , the bony arse, the radiant smile that says my shit doesn't stink will, in years to come still be there for all to gaze upon in wonder and provide the Daily Express with eye catching front page fashion advice pictures alongside coverage of Emperor Trumps Mount Rushmore sculpture opening ceremony and accompanying public firing squad and lynching celebrations.
  15. My grandfather upon seeing a newspaper photo of the then Queen Mother remarked " All that feckin' money and has a mouth like a burned out fuse box"
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