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colonelkurtz

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Everything posted by colonelkurtz

  1. Titchmarsh every time. Simpering mummys boy pin up for all the Dorothys , Brendas and Audreys out there with a glass of Pims in one hand and Rampant Rabbit in the other.
  2. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-68664644 It seems the fashion faux pas commited by that Simpering Yorkshire Cunt Alan Titchmarsh has enraged Supreme leader Kim Jong Doo Dah. Apparently denim is right out and not at all on trend in Northern Korea and the people demanded that his Levis be blurred out of his get down and dirty gardening pictures as this sort of shit stirring is a strictly not permitted. All a bit rich from a nation led by a fucking 5ft cube who at least does have a tailor with a decent sense of humour.
  3. No need for an apology .. let's just be thankful that caring sharing cunts like us know the true value of those special nights in the year when charidees and pontificating Z list celebs lecture us while keeping an eye on viewing figures and blog likes. I eagerly await the appointment of Sir Leonard of Dudleys replacement .. my money is on Frankie Boyle.
  4. Cost of living . Gaza . Ukraine . Collapsed NHS ... nah. Let's instead all spare a thought for the poor dears amidst their ghastly fuck up of a task which could be competently done these days by most 12 year olds with couple of minutes to spare between sending dick pics world wide.
  5. Works better in Parisian rather than Govan accent
  6. I always preferred that French blokes approach sitting next to the Houston woman on the TV chat show with his " Aaah waant to ferck yueuwwh"
  7. Was he Smashy or Nicey and can we expect a poptastic rocka doodle do star studded celebriddy packed funeral ?
  8. All I gathered from the cosy chat was how come this Carlson cunt has that permanent 'concerned' expression that he clearly thinks conveys appreciation or understanding of the proceedings but merely looks as though he just shat himself or trying to curl on out on the sly. ? Vlad however merely bears that relaxed smirk that says "da, muurican twatski".
  9. With the media now at defcon red white and blue eagerly awaiting the Middleton womans rightful ascension to the new queenie gig and the accompanying super soar away front pages with full colour centre spread yummy mummy fashion tips and grooming advice. Nicholas Witchell will be polishing the good brogues and ironing the sombre suit As for Sunak .." Thoughts and prayers etc., etc. ... But hey ! Coronation and Election combo boost. fucking get in! "
  10. The last time I looked the Commodore 64 is still languishing in the loft along with other assorted shite that I've never got round to dumping although Mrs Kurtz did suggest long ago that we could get rid rid of the collection of "interesting" magazines from my dim and distant youth. All you young 'uns can stop sniggering as well, 64kbRam + 20kbRom with C90 cassette game loading was the dog's bollocks back then.
  11. TORVILLE AND DEAN- Simpering go to option for anything to do with poncing about in sequins and mascara then falling arse over tit. More personality in a basket full of damp washing. TIM PEAKE- The lovable cuddly ISS crew member whose main responsibility was emptying the bins and admonishing anyone thinking of setting fire to farts. JANE McDONALD- Where the fuck did this come from and what's it for ? One time pub singer and now alleged travel and cultural expert. One for the menopausal mummsy demographic and Northern [well, Yorkshire, but never mind]. The GILF Hall of fame awaits. CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS- Much like seasonal vegetables being mainly available December to February for unfucking believably inflated ticket priced seasonal 'entertainment' extravaganzas. Suggestions that any old cack panel show are also part of his repertoire are untrue darling. EDWINA CURRY- Jewish , Eggs, Blow Jobs, Front Door, Back Door ... Ooh, a little bit of politics there. NOEL EDMONDS – Archetypal smug 70's poptastic R1 type. Once the face of Saturday evening TV , now the face so deserving of a high velocity meeting with a length of rough sawn 4x2 . A few re invents later and hey presto we have the all round cunt we all know and detest making him a perfect fit in Australia. ASSORTED ‘ NATIONAL TREASURES’ - D.Attenborough , J. Dench , D.Jason , I.McKellen , C.Balding , J. Oliver . L.Henry etc. ROYALTY/ARISTOCRACY – The undisputed gold standard for generational winging it. Far too numerous to mention. OH! .. and ALAN SUGAR - Just because.
  12. Willing to abandon my political instincts by nominating Penny Mordaunt - my fantasy 80's Catherine Deneuve wank bank chart topper.
  13. The flabby orange arse wipe is unfit to run a fucking pay as you go portaloo
  14. The stupid bastarding cunt at Tesco filling station tonight was obviously unaware that the hoses are more than capable of reaching around the car regardless of which side your filler is on. The gormless cunt obviously thinks there's no option other than lining up the filler like that cute littls dashboard picture tells you to do. The real cuntness is the waiting queue she causes while doing what resembles three or four 10 point turns with endless circuits of the forecourt combined with forward - reverse - left - right ... ooh which one is it ? Then it's ooh .. is it the green hose or the black one ? She's only driving a fecking Nissan Juke ffs . Even the cashier at the kiosk window has a look on his face that says " Tell you what love, just fuck off to Sainsburys why don't you"
  15. Biggles and his pals - jolly good chaps one and all - would certainly have approved of such spiffing japes above our green and pleasant land before setting out to prang a few jerries over the channel. The Red Arrows, What a bunch of "Look up in awe mere mortals and marvel at us in our sexy red flying suits" cunts
  16. At least we can be thankful that the Middleton woman won't let herself go like her father in laws sister. The glowing complexion, , the bony arse, the radiant smile that says my shit doesn't stink will, in years to come still be there for all to gaze upon in wonder and provide the Daily Express with eye catching front page fashion advice pictures alongside coverage of Emperor Trumps Mount Rushmore sculpture opening ceremony and accompanying public firing squad and lynching celebrations.
  17. My grandfather upon seeing a newspaper photo of the then Queen Mother remarked " All that feckin' money and has a mouth like a burned out fuse box"
  18. It seems the Churchill tribute act de Pfeffel Johnson was baffled or as he would say 'wah,wah, bamboozled' by the science during the Covid malarkey meetings with the boffins.What do we expect from Eton, Oxford, Bullingdon twats who could quote with ease endless waffle from some ancient Greek or Roman geezer as it relates to everything from dog turds to the Dulux paint chart not to mention giving assorted farmyard animals a good seeing to and still find time to attend vitally important 'fuck off you plebs' bevy and blowjob 'meetings' . Yet when it comes to understanding a graph or chart or something actually requiring anything more than a two minute attention span these arse wipes are fucked while having the brass necks to regard themselves as fit to govern. Still, at least this inquiry is sure to sort it all out and of course ensure that lessons will be leaned , that it never happens again and it definitely won't have been a waste of time and money.
  19. So the Braverman Obergruppenführer in waiting has had her bony arse kicked into touch . It gets even better with the added bonus of the odious slug Coffey receiving her Monday morning off you fuck letter . To top it off darling Lord Dave of Smug Cuntness is back in the game. Let the back stabbing vs arse licking fest begin ... again
  20. They'll tolerate him until the second coming of de Pfeffel Johnson when all their wildest and wettest of dreams are fulfilled . Speaking of wank banks my guilty pleasure is still the Mordaunt woman.
  21. Flipside .. Over 60's All these darkies and queers .. it's not right is it Mental health .. what's that supposed to be Jim Davidson .. now he's as funny as fuck The BBC .. perve central more like 90 quid for a pair of trainers .. the world's gone mad
  22. It seems that Ross 'Special Ops' Kemp is after all just another mardarse luvvie who passed on the opportunity to share his invaluable insights by declining hosting the "I'm a deluded Z list twat, get me the fuck out of here and back to the surface pronto" reality TV special where he was to have undertaken a hazardous , brave and fearless mini sub trip to the sea bed ["It's just like a glass bottomed boat dearie" cooed the producers ]. Seeing that cunt squealing gasping while shitting himself would have been worth watching not to mention decimating the viewing figures of that pair of squawking geordie cunts Saturday night fun filled shithousery show. As it happens we were all deprived of any worthwhile aaction , all of it ending with an almighty fucking wallop and splatter
  23. ... or maybe asking The Facilities Team Leader if any Maintainance Fitters are available to sort a dripping tap.
  24. So the walking talking hazardous substance has finally croaked, They're gonna need a full COSHH assesment, source a decent flame thrower [good selection still going cheap in Serbia] a 50 litre drum of toluene and full PPE to render the cunt down properly followed by a 5km Hazmat restricted zone . Dumping the cunt at sea with all that plastic and botox shite has it's upside if only to annoy the fuck out of Whispering Dave and Jug Ears Charlie. My money is on cryogenic preservation so he can be lined up alongside Trump, Pieces of Hitler , Simon Cowell etc for future generations to marvel over what a time to be alive the 21st century was
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