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nocti

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  1. It's often said that the best things in life are free, but I'd happily pay to see that cunt being flayed alive, rolled in salt and vinegar chipsticks, then lowered slowly feet-first into an industrial wood chipper. I bet the sound he'd make would be infinitely better than any of his shit songs, the fat fucking Stoke-on-Trent chancer.
  2. The only funny thing he'll ever be in is a coffin.
  3. Like my antiquated Grandad used to say, "If it hasn't got four legs and a hump, they don't know what the fuck they're doing with it." This applies both on the road and in the bedroom.
  4. Referring to anything as "banging" really squats over my portion of chips and takes a steaming hot piss on them. Unless it's referring to the sound of their own coffin lids, they can fuck off. See also: saying that something "slaps" or calling anyone "fam."
  5. nocti

    Russell Brand

    Frank, I'm not the bragging type, but before giving it the big Johnny Concrete to somebody online, perhaps it would be best not to pick someone who once shared a meme that was re-tweeted 17 times, and in the past two months alone has racked up over 200 nectar points.
  6. nocti

    Russell Brand

    This cunt is just a talentless Amy Winehouse with a bigger cock and a stronger liver. Whatever happens, I'm not sure prison would be up his street. Imagine what Big Baz on E-wing would do to him. I wonder what verbose shite and elaborate yoga moves he's going to use to squirm out of this one.
  7. With plastics being even more taboo than dogging these days, it was obvious that plant-based sex toys would be the next logical step. I expect there'll be plenty of allotments growing marrows, courgettes and the like. Curiously brown at one end. Headline act will be Sam Smith crowning an aubergine.
  8. "8 Out of 10 Scats" "Have I Got Poos For You." "His Bark Materials" "The Shit List" All featuring our resident canine answer to Gillian McKeith.
  9. Was thinking of a few of the Partridge ones myself. I think "Cooking In Prison" would be a tad insensitive at the minute.
  10. I thought he died ages ago. If I remember correctly, he asked to have this quote from everybody's favourite plate-smasher as an epitaph...
  11. Another place we can go to get milk on Christmas Day.
  12. Dribbling Yorkshire morgue-cheater that he was, he did occasionally get some great guests on and wasn't afraid to ask them some rather probing questions, when other sparkly-toothed winking wankers were simply asking them what their next film/gig was. That being said, he'd had his fun already, and it's about time he died to be honest. Although I expect that in this modern age of screechy bed-wetting spasticity, the one thing he'll mostly be remembered for is pointing out that the majority of people were watching Helen Mirren's films because of her tits. Which they fucking were.
  13. Many phobias are diminished by gradual exposure to the object of fear itself, so perhaps they could be gently submerged in water, and slowly lowered towards the bottom until they stop panicking.
  14. The people who make the stages she performs on ought to be incredibly proud of their craft. Mind you, I pray for the audiences that she never tries to crowdsurf. Would serve them right for going though, the shameless tone-deaf fucking cunts. If this hobbling light-bender ever contracted a flesh-eating disease, it could actually end up prolonging her life.
  15. It's good enough for me EC. That send-off is also known as the "Sunderland Stag Do."
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