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Everything posted by Ape™️

  1. I’m a massive Jam fan - grew up in Woking and used to go to band practice (I was once a trumpet player) at Sheerwater school, where it all began. In The Crowd from All Mod Cons is my favourite.
  2. Reminds of someone on here...
  3. Ape™️

    You Know

    Cunts that intersperse their spoken English with “you know” in every sentence should be fed, feet first, into an industrial wood chipper. I don’t fucking know, idiot. Learn to use your words like a big boy, you fucking retard.
  4. I’ve actually got a very good treadmill in the garage - cost over £1000, and I also owned a Concept 2 rower up until recently. The gym membership is more for Mrs Ape as she likes to do classes and have personal trainer sessions. I get a good corporate discount with DW so it’s relatively cheap, but I could just as easily do most of what I do at home.
  5. Me and Mrs Ape recently turned in our David Lloyd gym membership as it was proving too expensive, and have now joined DW fitness instead. I primarily concentrate on cardio exercise, so often use the treadmills and rowing machines for quite long periods. I am, however, using the piece of equipment continually, and there are plenty of other machines for others to use. Anyway, tonight I was running close to a leg press machine, of which there is only one, and witnessed a total cunt in action. He cruised in wearing tracksuit bottoms, a vest top and, for some unknown reason, a woollen hat. He placed his kit next to the leg press and then began some lengthy ritual in preparation for his “workout”. This involved casually putting a few weights on, eating a banana, fucking around with his phone, putting on his earphones, walking around aimlessly and generally not actually using the machine. Then, without warning, he did 10 reps! Way to go! However, he then moved around 3 metres away and started doing some elaborate stretching shit, interspersed with more phone-fucking. A young girl, believing the machine was vacant, began preparing to use it, when Rocky came back over and informed her that he was using it, and she fucked off somewhere else. In the 20-or-so minutes I observed this wanker monopolising this machine, I reckon he actually used if for no more than 5 minutes. Total prick.
  6. An American woman and a male British royal, fucking off into obscurity - sounds strangely familiar...
  7. Think yourself lucky you made this comment on the main board, you dreadful rotter.
  8. None taken, you dopey fucker.
  9. I like pasta and buy the decent quality dried varieties, as I find them better than fresh. The ape family particularly like penne. However, I have yet to open a packet of said pasta without the fucking bag splitting or tearing, as all the manufacturers appear to use some super-brittle shit that tears more easily than fucking rice paper. I’ve tried a variety of techniques to open the cunting packaging, but the result is the same. These packets optimistically offer a self adhesive resealing tab, but since the bag is inevitably in tatters after opening, it’s all a bit fucking pointless. Fuck off.
  10. Awwww that’s sweet of you! I’ll endeavour to arrange the aforementioned freak accident just as soon as I can. Best, Ape.
  11. Can I just say, for old times sake, that you should take this nom and shove it up your fucking arse, you spastic wanker?
  12. Ape™️


    That goes without saying...
  13. Ape™️


    I’d love someone suitably qualified to have a good long look between your ears, to try and determine what, in the name of holy fucking hell, would make you post such a bizarre comment. #scatcum
  14. I’m glad we’ve arrived at an amicable resolution to this sordid business. I’ll try to be less of a cunt in future, you splendid fellow.
  15. I’m dreadfully sorry - I don’t know what came over me.
  16. Laverne, Ball and Cox - the holy trinity of talentless fucking bitches.
  17. No normal person would choose to: a). Have a picture of someone with a prosthetic cock mask on as their avatar b). Have the sinister “beat your meat” signature on their profile. He’s not wired up right, and should be closely monitored.
  18. @Erroreptile404 - your new avatar is magnificent, and helps me to channel my intense suspicion of you.
  19. Indeed. I think it’s all getting a bit silly - I wouldn’t class our exchange as anything more than a bit of fun.
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