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Last Cunt Standing

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About Last Cunt Standing

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    Massive Cunt
  1. Last Cunt Standing

    Social Prescribing

    https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/nov/18/gps-could-prescribe-bingo-and-dancing-after-english-trials-success So the latest wheeze brought to you by the paramilitary wing of the Department of Health, is that former colleagues dish out Mecca vouchers and Tap shoes. Apparently it’s a revelation that people who move about and have some occasional cognitive stimulation are generally in better health than those who don’t. However, despite all the many levers of influence Mr Hand-Cock could pull, its left to front line healthcare, just like every cunting thing else. In the last few years of my career, I was told I was well placed to check boilers for the elderly, identify terrorists in my waiting room, and defend the country from illegal immigrants. Medicine? Just haven’t got the time, Mate. Handing back my PREVENT Counter-Terrorism manual was a special joy, just before I left the building laughing like a pink Fat Man on Bangla Road. All serves to neatly distract the Press though, from an age-old truth; money is still the best predictor of health, which is why a walk from one end of Glasgow to the other will cost you 25 years of life expectancy, and significantly more on Old Firm day. As the country gets poorer, our expectations better adjust downward, too. Bingo and Dancing. What an utter load of Arse gravy. Fuck off.
  2. Last Cunt Standing

    Brexit..the meltdown has begun

    Cared about her country? Are you fucking mad? Maggie was all heart if you were a red-braced Surrey Yuppie or a blue rinsed Home Counties lady, but Miners, Steelworkers, Teachers, Nurses, and kids on free school milk could all go and get fucked. Whole communities were squashed by the arch Tory cunt and written off as “a price worth paying”, while Tebbitt, Parkinson and Lawson pitilessly blamed those self same communities for not embracing the Tory economic miracle that cost them their jobs, homes and self respect. She hated the EU because she saw it as a giant Socialist project to bulwark her beloved rampant Reaganomics, not because of some spurious flag waving bullshit about sovereignty. She was all too happy to sign away “control” in the interests of Free trade. Far from being tough she was quite happy to give Mitterrand and Kohl diplomatic fellatio when it suited her agenda. Today is not the day to be worshiping at the altar of The Iron Lady. If she hadn’t made such a fetish in the Tory party of bellicose talk over Realpolitik, then Jacob Rees-Mogg and his cheap little putsch would have been strangled at birth, as would have been entirely reasonable. Never have I been more glad to be leaving the country. These idiots are fucking welcome to it.
  3. Last Cunt Standing

    Inappropriate people advertising products

    They should’ve used Angela Rippon, who I suspect knows all about irritable dry old Cunts.
  4. Last Cunt Standing

    The Cenotaph Anorak v2.0

    Inevitable “top five things not to do when leading the Labour Party” on the radio this morning. 5. Don’t fall in the sea in front of the press. 4. Don’t yell “alright!” repeatedly on the eve of an Election. 3. Don’t get your Press officer to invent spurious evidence of WMD. 2. Don’t offer succour to Hamas, the IRA or other terrorist types. 1. Don’t wear a casual jacket to the Cenotaph.
  5. Last Cunt Standing

    The Cenotaph Anorak v2.0

    https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2018/11/11/jeremy-corbyn-criticised-wearing-scruffy-anorak-armistice-day/ Now I know I’m probably wandering into an intentional outrage trap, and that Jezza is probably playing some very clever reverse dog-whistle politics to electrify his base of hand-wringing lickspittles and bedwetters. However, having just seen the bearded imbecile shuffling about on the nightly news, I feel morally obliged to Cunt the shambolic prick who Would Be King. He looked like he was popping to the shops for some Palestinian Muesli and some Fairtrade soya milk, not taking part in a solemn State occasion. Does he not own a decent Black overcoat? Why can’t he get his Gentile backside into M&S? His shoes were a fucking state too, a sort of soft-soled ShoeZone affair you’d expect to find on a Midlands RE teacher. The red tie was a straightforward obscenity. He might as well have pissed up the Cenotaph to the strains of Nimrod. The wreath laying was so reminiscent of a Parkinsonian man walking a Jack Russell, I expected him to return to the upright with a little warm bag of dogshit in his hand, which would have been somehow befitting his appearance. The man is now confirmed as a fucking disgrace, and should be flayed across a gun carriage on BBC2. Most unforgivably, he is giving Treezer and her mob a free pass as they grope chaotically forward like Helen Keller on GHB. The last Labour leader to try this virtue-signalling shit was replaced by a ginger Welshman partial to bollocks, so I imagine Gareth Thomas will soon be getting a call. Cunts all round. We will remember them.
  6. Last Cunt Standing

    Shuada' Davitt. aka Sinead O`Connor

    No doubt humanely euthanised too, not riddled with an Armalite by some nutter in a balaclava who hadn’t worked out you can’t hide a thoroughbred in an upstairs flat in Lansville. That would be a Cunt of a thing to do.
  7. Last Cunt Standing

    Wheelchair Fan in Paddy Power Ad

    Quite right. The first strains of Noddy Holder before the last fireworks is enough to send me homicidal. There should be some sort of law....
  8. Last Cunt Standing

    Wheelchair Fan in Paddy Power Ad

    Those lovely creative people at Paddy Power are at it again. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/paddy-power-tv-ad-old-people-zombies-walking-dead-sky-fox-ofcom-a8605221.html Piggy backing a show about mindless zombies in search of brains seems quite dangerous for a bookmaker. If you have ever been in a betting office on a midweek afternoon, as I was briefly this week to collect on a bet placed by a friend in my birthday card, you’ll soon turn on your heel. A more miserable circle of hell you could not imagine this side of Offa’s Dyke. Some Chinese looking chaps banging notes into the FOBTs and chattering away over the endless roulette noise. Two old blokes with dementia talking about Ted Heath being a Cunt. An old boy leafing through the Racing Post trying to find the tits on page 3 and thus confused by a photo of Aidan O’Brien. Some old Magoo type Cunt with his nose pressed against the massive screens chuntering about the weather in Chepstow and clutching his 5p Lucky 63 slip. A postman sheltering from the rain staring into space between 50p bets on the dogs. The tubby staff who all score far too high on the PHQ9 index for my liking. What a sorry state we find ourselves in these days.
  9. Last Cunt Standing

    Shuada' Davitt. aka Sinead O`Connor

    Wouldn’t make any difference, the Garda couldn’t find their arse with both hands and a diagram. Remember Shergar?
  10. Last Cunt Standing

    Sheridan Smith

    All over the TV again today, shoving chips in her gob while banging out mangled show tunes in an attempt to prop up her career against the ravages of booze induced psychosis. Oh dear. A leg ulcer beckons, the Cunt.
  11. Last Cunt Standing

    Design of New £50 Note

    Well I cast my vote for Sir Peter Mansfield, but given the carnival of perpetual outrage will never allow a white straight male on the fifty, I’ll pop down Ladbrokes tomorrow and stick a score on Judith Hann off Tomorrow’s World.
  12. Last Cunt Standing

    Steph McGovern of BBC Breakfast

    No, she really wasn’t. And the Osman creature, who surely must have undiagnosed acromegaly, belongs in the fucking zoo not prime time telly.
  13. Last Cunt Standing

    Hoddle in Hospital

    Well fuck me backwards, Glenn has succumbed to some unspecified malady, which can only be the universe punishing him for some darkness in his former lives. Let’s say he was Gengis Khan or some other Mongol. I do hope he still has Eileen Drewerys’ number, because obviously she’ll need to scrub in to theatre with those no-nothing Western medicine types to stop them bruising his chakra. I mean the poor sod wouldn’t want to end up in a wheelchair would he? That wouldn’t even be slightly funny. Oh no.
  14. Last Cunt Standing

    Steph McGovern of BBC Breakfast

    Quite. Melania might be a fucking Slovenian mute, but she makes Steph look like the bits they cut off Simon Weston’s face. He would have barely registered the gurning fucking troll. She also seems to have something against Middlesbrough nitespot (sic) Club Bongo, presumably because she’s the current North East Record holder in the Thursday night Pig Pulling contest, bestriding the podium with Sticky Vicki Pattinson and Huffty from The Word.
  15. Last Cunt Standing

    Celebrity Meltdowns

    And for the B side, how about that Mike & The Mechanics cracker, (Looking Back) Over My Shuhada.