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Last Cunt Standing

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About Last Cunt Standing

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    Massive Cunt

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  1. You know Judy, I’m worried about you. All this anger, all the time. It can’t possibly be good for you to careen about from post to post giving it fuck this, Nazi that, working class hero the other. Where does it come from, this unending aquifer of fury? What grave injustice has life handed you that you turn into such a bitter old fruit? You can’t surely have been born a pink ball of rage, spitting out your mother’s milk and filling your nappy in protest at no longer being safely bathed in warm amniotic fluid. Was it the bigger boys in the showers who really cranked up your self loathing? Maybe that first knee trembler behind the bike shed set you up for a life of repressed sexuality. Who knows. In any case I’d suggest you invest in a sphygmomanometer - Omron, Boots, £56. Your little arterioles and glomeruli are all I suspect under great pressure as you spout this vapid nonsense, and you run a real risk of spending your later years blind, impotent, gasping your way through heart failure and on dialysis, which would at least give you something to be angry about. Turn the computer off. Put the Daily Mail down and go for a walk in the Spring sunshine. And for Christ’s sake get drunk, high, or laid, or all three, and chill the fuck out.
  2. Sounds like fucking Airdrie to me.
  3. I’m afraid your last paragraph is far too moderate and considered to garner any sympathy from your average rabid CC contributor, most of whom would have no problem with a sweeping generalisation about the quality of immigrant healthcare workers. I’m glad you know better, despite your bad experience. Hope mum and your new arrival are doing fine.
  4. ‘‘Tis a pity they couldn’t get him stripped, slipped into fishnets and jam a tangerine in his mouth, they could have claimed he was an escaped local MP. Unless perhaps The Manchester Pusher has come south for the evening?
  5. This young woman is I believe seeking employment at Addenbrookes and has learned much from her work experience placement. Intrigued by what sort of conversation you had in a hospital in which you could pick up the cultural hostility of the staff treating you. One can only speculate.
  6. And now on Channel 5, the next episode of our new docudrama series presented by Brendan O’Carroll, Righting The Wrongs: A Revisionist History Of Ireland. Tonight Oliver Cromwell gets castrated for being beastly to Catholics, Trevelyan gets whipped for crimes against potatoes, and Thierry Henry gets his dirty thieving hand cut off for slapping the ball back to William Gallas in Paris. Brendan O’Carroll’s words are spoken by an actor due to government restrictions.
  7. Agreed. Cheltenham is a fucking toilet and gets worse every year, only surpassed by Aintree, which swims in WAGs and Pikeys every April. The Dante Festival At York is a much better experience, so point your marketing team there for your office trip next year.
  8. Outrageous fucking plagiarism. If Pete and Dud weren’t dead, they should sue. Herewith, the original.
  9. Yes indeed. Wasted on David Mitchell who I imagine apologises when he comes.
  10. “You’ve given me genital warts again you fat bastard, so you’d best make your own frozen pizza, anything I make you will have anthrax in it”
  11. I imagine your father would not have enjoyed Only Connect. Still, it’s nice to see some lads on the Autistic Spectrum venture forth from the Warhammer shop and talk to a woman. Even if it is the insufferably smug Ms Coren Mitchell.
  12. Good nom. I think there’s a certain subset of quiz show fodder that are only put on because they are at least as thick and ugly as the average daytime viewer. Tipping Point with housewives favourite Ben Shepherd is a case in point. Deidre Massive-Specs, you’re a retired fish gutter from Cleethorpes, here’s your first question; Q. Between 1990 and 1999, Peter Schmeichel was a famous goalkeeper for which English Premier League winning Football Club? A. Erm....Germany? Then if you do get past the intellectual assault course of such questions, you’ve got to play with a giant version of the seaside coin pusher to bag ten grand. Malcolm Muggeridge was a Cunt, but bang on in many ways.
  13. Oh, I don’t know, I think BME or “Beamy”, as in Broad-In-The-Beamy seems absolutely bang on to me. She was not offended by Jeremy Corbyns’ scrawny thrusting backside so fuck knows where her limits are. I suspect if it was to her political advantage, she’d come out against motherhood and apple pie. And definitely chicken soup with Matzo balls, which is of course fuel for the International Zionist Conspiracy.
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