Keeping a straight face when you don't really want to

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I have met a lot of interesting people with good stories and valuable wisdom. Dealing with the public, on the whole, is mostly good. However, standards of respect and decency towards them must always be observed. When someone tells you their wedding ring is stuck on their nob, or their wife has a twelve inch vibrator, still switched on, stuck in her rectum, it is difficult not to piss yourself laughing. The last foreign body incident I dealt with was a menage a trois set up, the patient being the unfortunate, with part of a branch stuck up his arse, nicely tapered to resemble a phalloc object, planed as well to remove bark. Y shaped, also with planed handles, this part had already been sawn off prior to their arrival, but brought with patient in case we "needed it". Cunts say I have no sense of humour, but let me say this. When I was in charge of an A&E dept. in North London about 10 years ago, I was found by the hospital night manager laying on the green outside the front of the department, trying to pull myself together, shortly after someone had presented themself with a milk bottle stuck up their fanny.