Jiggerycock Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 I'm a simple man.Sky Sports package and surround sound telly. Decent hi-fi system a comfy bed, a toilet that flushes and that's pretty much my key requirements from a domestic unit.Now I'm not some unreconstituted Neanderthal. I can run up a fair Sunday roast (given 6 months notice in writing) and have been known to iron the odd shirt but just because some predatory homosexual off the goggle box makes poor people feel like dirt by fellating a dado rail and Aga on 'Homes Under The Hammer' or 'Interior Designs' or 'Pimp My Cubicle' or whatever tawdry shite these cathode-ray Onanists are foisting on us this week, suddenly I have to be involved in establishing the PRECISE shade of ruddy Organza the front parlour curtains should be made in.Bring me a beer and fuck off whilst you are doing it!(Hetereosexual - what the fuck is that? Yes I know. You correct basic spelling mistakes because it gives you a hard on!) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ducunti Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 I'm a simple man.Sky Sports package and surround sound telly. Decent hi-fi system a comfy bed, a toilet that flushes and that's pretty much my key requirements from a domestic unit.Now I'm not some unreconstituted Neanderthal. I can run up a fair Sunday roast (given 6 months notice in writing) and have been known to iron the odd shirt but just because some predatory homosexual off the goggle box makes poor people feel like dirt by fellating a dado rail and Aga on 'Homes Under The Hammer' or 'Interior Designs' or 'Pimp My Cubicle' or whatever tawdry shite these cathode-ray Onanists are foisting on us this week, suddenly I have to be involved in establishing the PRECISE shade of ruddy Organza the front parlour curtains should be made in.Bring me a beer and fuck off whilst you are doing it!(Hetereosexual - what the fuck is that? Yes I know. You correct basic spelling mistakes because it gives you a hard on!)What about an aga. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Decimus Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 It's the rise of the metrosexual, Jiggers. I'm expected to do all sorts of cuntbaggery that goes against my evolutionary instincts. Washing myself, talking, not beating things with sticks. It's fucking degrading. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nocti Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 A trip to B&Q was cut short a few months back after finding out blue doesn't come in "light" and "dark" anymore. It's aqua this and duck egg that. Fuck off for fucks sake. I was also labelled uneducated for not holding different swatches under various shades of lighting. Fair enough, I suppose that's quite sensible in a way, but come on. Blue. Blue paint you cunts. It never used to be this difficult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JackoTC Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Get over it Jiggers. Last year I was forced into fucking garden centre (No Francis - not buying garden furniture), and in late Autumn I was left to ball up some clean socks and put them in the correct drawers. I felt like quite the "modern" man about town. Though, all of this may be some hideous drunken dream I had. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted February 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Turns out it's not black anymore It's 'Charcoal Grey', I mean a big a load of molten horseshit you'll not find outside a Garth Crooks interview! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Harry Carpenter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted February 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Harry CarpenterNope, I'm pretty sure it was Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen. I'd have definitely remembered if the four-eyed boxing anchorman had come out with 'In the duck-egg blue corner we have some Laura Ashley flock wallpaper and in the red with a hint of cinnamon corner we have Dave 'Boy' Green!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted February 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Self-referencing is pretty cunty but fuck knows where I pulled Dave 'Boy' Green from.'The Fen Tiger' from Chatteris. Looked like a Garden Salad on two legs and sounded worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Nazi filf. As judy would say Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 I dropped round my parents place a few years ago, to find my mother repainting the front room. Everything was getting a coat of some pale blue emulsion, the old man said "don't stand still...she'll fucking paint you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 and I've always wondered what kind of black is Jet black. He's the drummer for The Stranglers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 I have a real issue with men doing poofy chores about the house. Leave it to the women to do colour coordinating and cushion choosing. You can all get on with fixing my car or putting up shelves as far as I'm concerned. I noticed in a bathroom shop today, this trend for two sinks in a bathroom. His'n'hers. I can't think of a worse fate than watching my loved one pruning himself in front of a mirror next to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Snatch Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 I can't think of a worse fate than watching my loved one pruning himself in front of a mirror next to me. Any bloke who prunes himself in front of a mirror would likely be standing next to another bloke in the bathroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KuntaCunty Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 I'm glad I'm just an old grumpy cunt who doesn't like anybody. You have demonstrated remarkable mastery to that effect, credit where it's due. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest deebom Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 Just wait till they ban wanking in public. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cuntspotter Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 Self-referencing is pretty cunty but fuck knows where I pulled Dave 'Boy' Green from.'The Fen Tiger' from Chatteris. Looked like a Garden Salad on two legs and sounded worse. A carrot farmer, I believe. Still he was a bit of a hard cunt, glass jaw or not, if he said it was a carrot, it was a fucking carrot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cuntspotter Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 Just wait till they ban wanking in public. Well, this is what I was trying to explain to the Magistrate, yesterday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Cunt Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 Any bloke who prunes himself in front of a mirror would likely be standing next to another bloke in the bathroom. They will also have matching toilets and hold hands while crapping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Cunt Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 What about an aga. A must for aspirational tossers with more money than brain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 Well, this is what I was trying to explain to the Magistrate, yesterday.That's what you call being at the cock end of the law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Lady Penelope Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 Judy is a Metrosexual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 I was also labelled uneducated for not holding different swatches under various shades of lighting. Fair enough, I suppose that's quite sensible in a way, but come on. Its one of the best ways to tell if a car's been banged and badly repainted, look at in bright sunlight but more importantly under yellow streetlights, this brings out massive a difference in the pigment and shading White comes in different types, there's Brilliant white, Brite white, Jet white, Pink white that turns to White white, and I've always wondered what kind of black is Jet black. ..and on cars... don't buy a red car if you want to keep it more than a year or two, I love red cars, but matching a paintjob on them is a fucking horrendous job. I have a real issue with men doing poofy chores about the house. Leave it to the women to do colour coordinating and cushion choosing. You can all get on with fixing my car or putting up shelves as far as I'm concerned. I noticed in a bathroom shop today, this trend for two sinks in a bathroom. His'n'hers. I can't think of a worse fate than watching my loved one pruning himself in front of a mirror next to me. Yeah but, when you have 2 sinks, you can keep yours spotlessly clean and we can leave ours to bring new cultures of penicillin to the world.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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