Jiggerycock

It's hardly up there with Dio joining Sabbath is it?

 

Think they are going for the post-Blink 182 market. You know. Those who find U2 a bit too 'edgy'

 

Edgy / U2? I'm fucking great me.

Is that 'Spartacus'?

 

The film where Tony Curtis got all homo-erotic with Larry?

I wonder how many times I have to read 'would of' instead of 'would have' before the ghost of my long dead father and my long-succumbed-to-Alzheimers English teacher claim squatters rights, to where my personality once lived

I really love the idea of what Britain COULD be.

No bone-idle layabouts wanting something for nothing.

No companies making money here but doing the old 'offshore switcheroo accountancy two-step' when it comes to paying their taxes.

Then, wham, home in the evening and, pausing only to put their foot through their TV's, going running with their non-obese kids or putting together that fanzine / blog site about that one thing they're passionate about or band practise with their struggling indie band still trying to break through even though they're all in their 50's or writing letters to their MP's about something that's not right in their world that stops life being the 24-hour Ramones block-party it surely could be if everyone was cool. In short - being creative, motivated, connected and committed.

And of course, everyone has got or is studying hard for their PhD in wind-ups and piss-taking that makes them British and which squeezes out the last vestiges of 'being offended' by everything and replaces it with coolness and better jokes.

Oh well - just me then.

Keith, where do we go from here. What did your probation officer say to you about times when you have these thoughts?

Where do we go from here?

"Is it down to the lake I fear"?

Not 'arf pop-pickers!

If it's illegal immigrants you're worried about, there's fackin' gangs of them living in the lines in his face.

His nickname is Sangatte

Yes, it's the notion we're all supposed to buy into this collective sycophancy, lest it renders us somehow 'less British'.

Bit like that Bateman cartoon 'The Man Who Fist-Fucked The Queen'

Barristas???

'Wristers' more like.

A more deluded bunch of cunts you couldn't find this side of the Gallowgate End when the Toon Army are playing at home.

It's a ruddy minefield isn't it?

You've barely got your order out and it's "Is that a Big Mac Meal? Would you like fries with that? Would you like to go large for an extra £ and your scrotal sack?"

No! You chiselling twatter! Did I fucking stutter??? I ordered my meal, you heard it, now go and get it and we'll have none of your corporate American, upselling jive-talk today, my pustule-riddled freak.

And their so-called 'Mind Games'!!!

Do me a favour.

The day it goes down something like this:

"Did you have strong words with the team at half-time then Jose?"

"No, I merely threatened them with male-rape".

Then we can talk about mind games. I mean, it's hardly American Military Intelligence running Psy-Ops against the Khmer Rouge-type stuff is it?

All true but when it's all out there but largely only available in digital format via downloads you end up sucking Satan's cock and doing the 'i' thing, despite your best intentions, just to get access to music.

Get a proper fucking amp, and a cable that goes in to the iPod earphone socket. Stop buying shite moulded plastic crap from Currys, they don't know shit from clay. Richer sounds is a good starting point.

Ah a man after my own heart!

Having been bought up with vinyl through, what for many, was the classic Linn Sindek/ Ittok / Assak combo I've high standards when it comes to making a party go with a swing.

Nowadays I've downsized to a bog-standard Ariston. Unfortunately, that bit the dust after Richer Sounds sales-mong attempted to 'fix' the belt drive, which, in a sense he did, snapping the arm and fucking up the moving coil cartridge to the point of turning Verdi into Napalm Death.

Richer Sounds? I would rather die!

Got an I-Pod classic with upwards of 10,000 files on it. Recently the docking system gave up the ghost in a fug of smoke and sparks, so off I went to Currys / PC World to get a replacement.

Here's where the fun starts.

They don't make docking speakers for I-Pod classics anymore!

You have to have a 'Lightening' connection, which is a weedy thin little spigot that penetrates the I-pod (I can think of no better way to put it) rendering the system useful vis-à-vis playing music. Talk about built in obsolescence! Well, I did at great length to spotty Herbert sales peon, to the usual gormless stare you get from these 'thumb-up-arse-brain-in-neutral sales droogs.

Said Herbert then declares I need a 'Female to Male', 32-bit to Lightening converter. Pausing only to acquaint him this is the sort of gizmo Brony might get mail ordered along with a job-lot of Swarfega, the little cunt then tries rabbiting on about 'bluetoooth' and 'wireless hi-fi'.

Now, I don't know about you, but whenever I hear the word 'bluetooth' I know it's a sure sign of a load of technical bullshit, in fact Bluetooth is the 'pace car' to the F1 peleton of weapons-grade horseshit these cock-wombles come out with to make us all feel inferior. Well he can waffle his Bluetooth right up his sweet arse-unit until it can share Senheisers with his kidneys!

Needless to say, Im still speaker-less, a week later.

I think the stock answer to this sort of thing is 'well it doesn't rehabilitate them. It doesn't stop them re-offending when they get out'

To which no one ever replies 'They can't commit crimes against society if they're banged up or 6 ft under'

And no one then ever goes on to counter with 'Okay we'll put taxes up to pay for a prison on every street corner then - how d'you like me now?'

.......at which point my head explodes

Anyway you bunch of maudlin cunts, 'do not go gently into that good night - fuck it up the arse with a party hat on'

There's still good music out there. There's always going to be a 33/1 winner to be backed and whilst all this 'live each day as if it was your last' platitudes leaves me cold, just lively yourself up a bit and get living.

Ah, The Road Not Taken.

I had a wank in a crematorium once. Take that, Death!

I once drank Coke out of a Pepsi glass

Thug Life, bitches!

Those Tesco's adverts he did?

'Every Little (Nebbishy Thieving Shit) Helps (Himself)'

Here's a combination you'd never thought would go together in a million years.

'kin awe inspiring it is too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=CWK1F1b5uRg

Checkout 'What Good Am I' on his Praise and Blame album (think it's on You Tube too) then come back and talk about how 'talentless' he is.

Rocks like a motherfucker and s Britain's greatest pop vocalists ever.

Okay, image wise he's a total laughing stock but that voice gets him a lot of credit - not a cunt therefore and certainly not whilst One Direction, John Barrowman, Michael Buble (to name three serial sonic offenders) still draw breath.

Because rape is a crime that disgusts me to my very core, it's an easy knee-jerk reaction to acquiesce and agree to what Jean Hatchett and those behind the 'Don't let Ched Evans Play Again' petition are proposing.

I love democracy and justice however and if there is any issues here then it is not whether Ched Evans should be allowed to continue his job. That is a given right for me.

It's more to do with whether a 5.5 year sentence and the time he actually served, is fitting punishment for the crime. More than that though, it is the idea that Evans may be regarded as a hero and role-model, that needs addressing.

I'm not holding my breath though. That would need parents to spend more time with their kids, teaching them better life choices, showing them that a real role model is someone who pulls down a wage, puts their family first, takes time to understand the world their kids are growing up in, guides them right so that maybe when they are cut loose into the world they're not going to be fuck ups and they're not going to have received information that it's okay to treat women like sh1t.

Of course, that takes a bit more effort than signing a petition.

Isn't he the one who gave Nell Gwynne a punch up the whiskers?

Chris Martin is drowning in Jennifer Lawrence, the jammy cunt !

Yes - very probably!

The sound, not of Hell, which would at least be interesting, but of 'Beige'.

Or, upon reaching the Automatic Teller Machine (aka 'The Hole In the Wall') the drooling numb-nuts gazes at it with all the wonderment and lack of insight of an Eskimo contemplating the Eiffel Tower, before randomly playing 'Chopsticks' on the buttons in the hope of it shitting money at him / her.