Jiggerycock

The mechanisms may be a bit rusty after not being used for a while. There  may be a degree of self-consciousness but today, up and down this land, ordinary people will pray to a sensed God and apply their hopes to an imagined heaven, having been visited by death or news of imminent death.

It will give them comfort and hope; a sliver of something good to cling onto - a sliver that the clamour for proveable fact (as if that is all that matters) from the likes of the OP, will decry as stupidity.

But they will pray, despite what the hipsters and the gobby atheists would have us believe.

I'm trying to find accommodation for the Cheltenham Festival.

It's on from 10th-13th March. Either side of that week there's palatial edifices, drawing rooms, dado rails, hot and cold running whores, broadband wi-fi, buffalo in aspic for breakfast delivered by bare-breasted naked wenches who have felled the noble beast off the tundra that very morning and prepared it with her own hands - the full luxury she-bang, going for the price of a prawn cocktail.

But come Cheltenham week?

Prices go up like cocaine and Daniella Westbrooks nose. These fascist fucks are chucking some woad into a derelict outdoor shed and renting it for a kings ransom as a bijou and compact letting for single inhabitant (who gets on well with coackroaches and dung beetles).

The fucking Cotswold Cunts!!!!!

Tutankhamen's Death Mask.

Frightened the living piss out of me when I was forced to go and see the bloody thing at the British Museum

Reading John Otway's biography, she went out with him once upon a time.

Say all you need to know about her, really.

This programme is of legitimate interest only to the .00001% of  the population who actually witnessed any of the crimes they cover, who can be arsed to watch this load of old cathode-ray wank in the first place and who then go "Swelp me! I bloody knew I forgot something last month!  Sainsbury's for bullets, condoms, Vaseline.....spunked my money up the wall in Ladbrokes....dodged the balaclavered nutter with the sawn-off shotgun running out of NatWest.....pork pie and a pint in 'The Old English Racist'. Christ I best phone Plod! The quality of that pork pie was a disgrace!" Otherwise it gives folks without access to porn and rotten.com a vicarious thrill about the evils of the world, whilst shoring up their asinine prejudices. They fucking WANT you to have nightmares! That's the whole point.

Never trust a hippie.

Love and peace can suck my cock for all eternity

This is the way wars begin. Catholics and Protestants. Sunni and Shi ite. High caste and Low caste. Ostensibly the same but actually at each others throats 24/7.

I'm nailing my colours to THIS thread and am introducing a summary fatwah on anyone who post on the other thread!

Beheading is too good for you heretics!

I just made a remarkable discovery!

Val Doonican isn't dead!

Pissticks to all that blanket of love tomfoolery!

I just typed 'Wanker' into the satnav.

Put the kettle on - I'm parked outside.

I bet it was a bloody Chuppa Chup lolly too!

The comestible-of-choice for the twat-about-town.

Yeah well - that's the bottom of the food chain you're looking at right there isn't it?

I think 'Tries to do a driveby shooting' was a bit of a giveaway. The other half-arsed behaviour you outlined merely goes to underline this blokes' wholesale imbecility.

Or rub some lard on him

Personally I'm quite the fan of the GG Allin approach.

Shit on anyone doing anything you disapprove of - or shit on them anyway.

Anyway you're all cunts and remind me never to go to a gig with you lot.

No clapping

No singing

Basically nothing, which is fine if it's Kraftwerk or some asexual band like The Cure or something. A thousand-yard-stare and the merest flicker of movement is pretty much de rigeur for dealing with those cunts, but it sounds a right barrel of laughs for the rest - apart from hurling sprouts at Tangerine Dream. There's a rock 'n roll story you could dine out on for ever. 'The day I caught Edgar Froese in the nutsack with a Dollys Cabbage'

Oh and I actually did hurl bottles of piss at The Tygers of Pan Tang at Reading in the early 80's. Trust me, it was the only way to deal with the horror.

Has anyone been to a gig and waved their hands in the air like they DID care?

Well more fool them!

You may or may not be able to lay it but that's only the start of the million hells you've let yourself in for.

Get the whole house done with this shit and it sounds like you've invited Buddy Rich, Charlie Watts and Bill Ward round for an impromptu jam session - FOR ALL FUCKING ETERNITY!

You've paid good money to go to a gig in the hope of sharing in an uplifting, communal, 'sticking it to the man' rock n' roll moment - oh no, wait, you haven't. You've gone to record it on some pathetic shit device, that at best will give you that 'I've got Parkinsons Disease' feel when you watch it and that 'Who let the wasps out?' feel when you listen to it, so you can have a 'ménage a un' watching it back on your laptop......you fucking spastic!

Clappers? All a bit 'meh' really. Bit difficult clapping in time to Bolthrower, but I'm off to see Otway in Harpenden on Friday so maybe it'll be a bit more sedate and 'clapping friendly'. I'll get back and let you know.

I'm using Internet Explorer on Windows like every solid upright Christian - anything else is the work of Beelzebub.

That's for anyone remotely interested in trying to help me with this 'quotes' fiasco, not a Beatles / Steve Hillage lyric

As you can see, still can't do the whole fucking 'quotes' thing.

Fair boiling my piss that is.

Is that you Bawsy

Or has Dave Lee Roth been on the crystal meth again?

I think we can all learn a lesson from Kiss frontman and renowned psycho-therapist Gene Simmonds, when, in the wake of Robin Williams' suicide, he opined that those suffering from depression should kill themselves and that he was the guy who yells 'Jump!' when he sees someone on top of a building.

Way to go Gene!

Probably heard the fucker coming with his 'Youm be gooing dewn the beach' jive-ass accent and decided to do the world a favour

When you find it, plant a flag on it and claim it for good old Blighty!

Yeah - or else Woy going into meltdown after Rooney goes missing (sniffing around Dignitas for plausible sexual partners) again, giving us all another big comedy festival

Getting there with this whole quote thing!