Hammer of Cunts

11 hours ago, Old Chap Raasclaat said:

Been to Cyprus twice about 15 years ago (aged around 30) and I thought some of the younger local women were rather nice, as were the Romanian female staff at the hotel, (had a little fling with one of them), however, maybe it's true that they go to shit when they reach 40 or so. On one of my visits to Cyprus, I got a bit chatty with a lady who worked at the Hotel in Paphos, she was Cretan. 

She was a real beauty... captivating dark brown eyes, long flowing brown hair and a lovely body, a proper modern Aphrodite... I think I was slightly in love to be honest and she came from a wealthy family as well, which only added to the appeal.

Anyways, we met up for a coffee and I effortlessly worked the magic and kissed her. She was under my spell after that and we arranged to meet at another local plush hotel a day or so later. She paid for the room and in my haste and excitement to get there I forgot to get protection and went in bare. 

What a night, she didn't hang around either and left afterwards to go home before work the next day. I had a nice English breakfast and I remember us exchanging looks as I strolled into my hotel the next morning. I don't think any other Greek woman could match Maria. I seriously would have considered marrying her at the time, damn long distance relationships. 

A very fond memory, I'll treasure until I'm dead. 

 

Are you Barbara Cartland?

16 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Fucking superb! 
I would assume the bullets are half-jacket.

Soft point, I imagine.

No Sabots for the artillery shells?

Do Jewish guns have muzzle brakes or do they remove them after a few months?

Perhaps Eric will know.

5 minutes ago, Old Chap Raasclaat said:

It's all cameras in the centre Eric, any chance of you converting a gun to fire compressed bacon pellets?

A Spam cannon?

Well, that's him told then.

8 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

Anyone found dead in a bathtub with no toaster in sight has to be fucking drugged up to the nostrils. 

Which reminds me of a joke: Roops rings the dairy asking for enough milk to be delivered for her to make a milk bath

"Pasteurized"?

"No, just up to my tits"!

Here all week. 

To be delivered by the fastest milkcart in the west?

Who is/was he?

21 minutes ago, camberwell gypsy said:

He's probably a lot funnier than Lenny Henry. Which isn't fucking difficult 

He's probably grappling his grapenuts in a shrubbery somewhere.

What the fuck was the crrepy twat doing wrong? He doesn't seem to have been threatening anyone, no-one has been hurt and no damage caused. Some bint who sounds like she shouldn't really be out at night, wet herself upon seeing something she didn't like and this poor sod gets a criminal record.  If he'd been a puff or a sex-changer they'd have given him a comforting pat on the head and ordered her not to be so somethingophobic.

Looking at the photos, he looks more like Lenny Henry than a pervert.                       

53 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

I miss nice simple 3 shaft RWD gearboxes too. Transaxles are fiddly with their epicyclic planetary whizzbang diff connections.

I'm too old to bother learning about them, ditto DM flywheels, air con and modern injector pumps.

45 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

They’ve even tried to make coil springs impossible to change, by not leaving enough room to get the spring compressors in without dropping the axle. 
 Unless you compress them on the bench, tie them with rope and then put them in place, cut the rope and keep your fingers out of the way.

I did a Mondeo front last year by disconnecting the AR drop link and standing on the hub.

It's nothing new,  I put aclutch into an HA Viva once and had to cut a hole in the firewall to get out one of the BH bolts. It went well, until I found the bolt ended up two inches higher on reassembly... I cut another hole.

31 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Get a Foxwell OBD2 code reader from Halfords. It’s about £60 and does what the AA man’s laptop does. It’s easy, it even looks up the model reference for the fault code. It sends you to the right area, for example, the idle speed control valve. Which saves hours of inspecting injector pumps and pressure lines etc’. 
 I preferred the days of downdraught carburettors and Ducellier distributors, but their tech isn’t that hard to work with. They just pretend it is to put people off and keep the money coming into the dealers service departments.

I've got an OBD2 reader and a VAG one; you can get the codes out of Fords by twiddling some of the switches.

The worst part is the spares. it's all bolting on whole assemblies these days, nothing is actually fixable and everything involves making some somt of special tool. The kid in the shop just blinked at me when I asked for bearings for my water pump.

17 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

That’s the problem. Millennials are so fucking obsessed with their own personal safety that they refuse to drive anything that doesn’t have a computer that helps them steer and brake, 15 airbags and a 6 foot crumple zone at either end. The thought of ‘driver-assist’ makes me nauseous. I won’t even drive an automatic because I find them presumptuous.

Automatics are for women and septics; at my level of motoring, it's just something else to go wrong. Fifty years ago, I could sort out most break-downs on the side of the road; now it takes a bloke from the AA with a computer even to tell me what's wrong.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

I feel much the same about electric windows and "climate control".

What the fuck is the point of a cup-holder?

'The Claimant (Walliams) now understands that, unknown to him at the time, his microphone was kept on and recording throughout the whole filming day, including breaks"

He should have read the release form, they all allow that kind of thing.

52 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Cheap old cars are the most fun you can have with motoring. Up until recently, I never paid more than a thousand for a car. If you can fix and maintain them yourself it just makes sense. And because you’ve got fuck all invested in it, you don’t worry about it all the time.

A mate took it as a trade-in, too good to scrap but It needed a suspension arm and back discs so wasn't worth it to him. In 50 years of "motoring"  I've never paid anyone to work on a car or a bike and I've never spent more than a grand on a car.

59 minutes ago, Penny Farthing said:

10% of the cost of Billy's pot egg teeth.

I've heard that dental techniques in Kurdistan have come along recently.

13 hours ago, King Billy said:

£300 new in 1997. 
Vorsprungdork Dickhead.

No, I paid 350 for it jn February (with 5 good tyres and half a tank of fuel).

4 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

There were no poofs and junkies in Britain in the 70s?

I'm sure there were but they were of no more interest to me then than they are now. I doubt they were any less unpleasant then either.

55 minutes ago, Penny Farthing said:

The rest of it was the gearbox and fan noise.

No, I think it was the rear suspension attacking the back seats.

2 hours ago, Penny Farthing said:

Didn't the 1100 have the musical whine from the gearbox?

No idea, I wouldn't have heard over the row from the rest of it.

1 hour ago, Mike Hunt said:

I've got an Audi A4 Suzy Quattro.

I've got a '97 diesel A4 estate. It's a fucking nice car for £350. I bet it was expensive when it was new.

30 minutes ago, Cunty BigBollox said:

Patti Austin

I had an Austin 1100 in the '70s and a Maestro van in the '80s. Neither was particularly musical, although the van had a squeaky door.

6 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

Patti Smith

Stevie Nicks

Pat Benatar

None of these cunts nowadays can hold a candle up to these three. And Nicks spent most of the 70s off her head on coke. 

 

I saw Patti Smith when she first came here; she showed a load of incomprehensible B&W films and whined about her guitar being a machine gun (it might as have been because she couldn't fucking play it). Most  of her lyrics were about poofs and junkies in NY and hardly relevant in the real world. She's best known for Gloria and Because the Night, both written by blokes. Stevie Nicks and the other bint fucked up a truly great blues band and made shite radio-friendly dinner-party music.

Who the fuck is Pat Benatar?

Suzi Quattro had a nice arse.

None of them could hold a candle to this woman:

7 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

I see another peaceful has been spreading the culture of Islam in Brussels earlier tonight. 

French President Emmanuel Macron, who was on a visit to Albania, said: "Europe has been shaken."

Good job it doesn't affect us then.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-67082443

Diesel fires usually produce clouds of black smoke. The flames go upwards.

LR hybrids have their batteries under the left front seat. the area from where the flames are shooting sideways and downwards.

The rear lights are still on, presumably because the vehicle has just been parked, it's unlikely that the 12v system is compromised enough to have started the fire.

It'll be interesting to see what the insurance bods make of this.