Last Cunt Standing

Six hundred and sixty two for nine declared. 

I mean, fuck off. 

If this is what happens when BT Sport cover an England team abroad, let’s hope David Davies gets a new job in their rights acquisition department once this European debacle is over. 

8 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

All ventriloquists are cunts. Mind you, my brother went to a stag do and the act was Roger De Cuntsey and nookie bear and they were a fucking scream by all accounts. 

I saw RDC do an after dinner routine about 20 years ago and saw hard faced rugby players laugh so hard one of them actually pissed himself. 

Sadly times are now so hard for Mr De Courcey he scratches a living as the Theatrical Agent for Rick “Keyboard” Wakeman. Nookie is giving furry hand jobs to HGV drivers in a lay-by on the M20. 

Ventriloquists are Cunts. Many were Children’s TV stars in the 1970s, too. Keeping tight lipped with your hand moving was a very useful skill back then. 

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A cursory flick through the lesser known Sky channels tonight, and I stumble on this unfunny cunt. This lip-twitching tosspot had a room full of Wisconsin cheeseburger addicts guffawing with the sort of shite that Hughie Green would have had taken round the back of Thames Television and quietly euthanised about 1974. It speaks volumes about the intellectual rigor of the “real America” that this gottle-of-geer fuckstick can play to packed houses every night, with an act so excruciating you’d expect to find it in a Bayswater basement being administered to a Tory MP strapped to a pommel horse. 

For a start, he is technically not that good - his lips move more than Sally Gunnell’s labia at the Barcelona Olympics, and his larynx boings about like Rick Waller doing a bungee jump. Then its the usual tired fare of tit jokes, dick jokes, fat jokes, gay jokes and digs at Blacks, Muslims, Mexicans and Women for 60 minutes using a variety of cunty puppets, while Jeff and Stacey Lardburger whoop and holler. This cunt can’t even dress like a grown-up, either; instead while somehow channelling Johnny Cash and Mark Wahlberg, he gurns away in his black leather jacket like the lovechild of The Fonz and Vicky Pattinson. Lastly, the camera pans over the audience to reveal his audience to be 40% giggling College bimbo, which means not only is the cunt truly awful, he’s also getting into more pussy than Whiskas. A more punchable man I would struggle to imagine, outside the Cheshire Catholic Golf Association. 

Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear must be spinning in their graves. Or they would be, if they were dead. 

Cunt. 

Fuck me, this is awful. Steve Smith has Root by the throat. I can’t watch any more. 

Jim Beam is a far superior bourbon. It’s also much better than JD when mixed with Coke. 

A used tube of Anusol marked “ sorry to have been such a pain in your arse all year”. 

Cunt. 

Still, he’s dead now. 

Hung himself. 

On 04/12/2017 at 11:26 AM, Manky said:

Mrs Manky was lest than impressed when I have her her new animal skin coat. I can't see her problem, Donkeys Jackets are very functional.

I once knew a colleague whose wife said if he bought her a new coat for Christmas, she’d come down to his workplace wearing the garment and nothing else and give him a teasing flash. He bought her a duffel coat, which he got back in the subsequent divorce. 

After Trumps announcement, those familiar with The Book of Revelation are no longer in need of laxatives.

Punkers, as our dedicated a Religious Affairs Correspondent, can you keep an eye out for pale horses and trumpets for us?

Don’t look at the flash, people. 

6 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

not even the French concatenate their consonants so cavalierly.

Cunts Corner word of the day, Baws. Respect. 

7 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

answer the fucking muscle tissue biopsy question first before you start sending Punkapes torpedoes back to him, you smartarse physician type cunt. And as neuropathic suppressants go, pregabalin is a second option to Gabapentin with an Amitriptyline PM bolster. What do you think of that? 

Look it up yourself you prick. I’m not here to spoon feed you. 

1 hour ago, Punkape said:

She’s dead.

Slag.

Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

Poof.

Lol.

Fuck off.

2 minutes ago, Manky said:

Careful Luke, He can take a mans eyes out with his 6 iron and push a mans piles in with his wood.

 

(Together) Oh no he can’t....

I’d have thought the prospect of dubious men in frocks tossing stuff over children before bursting into communal singing would fit well with the best traditions of our Papist community...

6 hours ago, Tata Steely Dan said:

Those are called dole poles in many places, and their purpose is unclear. Usually used by professional 'full time mums' and graduates of 'the university of life' who have Chronic fatigue syndrome (aka a hangover), Emphysema from smoking unfiltered rollies from the age of 10 or fibromyalgia (a made up disease your doctor diagnoses when he wants you out the practice and reckons placebos might keep you away). Enough energy to walk to the bookies, Greggs and the local flat roof pub, but not enough energy to do a job.

Those fleeces seem to only be available in crappy markets in crappy towns. I think I saw some for sale in Bathgate once, next to the pirated DVDs. The shittiest ones have wolves on them.

Bathgate? What the fuck were you doing in Bathgate? 

I need to correct you on Fibromyalgia; nothing made up about it I assure you. I mean just because it happens to regularly co-exist with depression, IBS and chronic fatigue syndrome, has a fivefold higher incidence in lower socioeconomic groups, and has never been shown on muscle biopsy to have any pathological basis at all, doesn’t mean it’s entirely functional illness, does it?

Pregabalin all round. Which funnily enough you’ll find is a phrase heard regularly in Bathgate. 

8 minutes ago, Decimus said:

I’d advocate a singular fiscal and economic policy for the whole bloc, plus a unified foreign and domestic policy.

Off the top of my head I’ve come up with a pithy slogan to sell your policy to the electorate, Decs. 

One People, One Nation, One Leader. 

I have a nagging feeling that this has been tried before, mind. 

2 hours ago, judgetwi said:

Never seen one but I like the sound of them. Can I get one with monkeys on?

I like monkeys.

🐵🐒🦍

They come in myriad subtypes, Judge. I’m sure you could find a Simian version if you looked hard enough. It would match the single crease in your palm, too. 

15 minutes ago, Lady Penelope said:

I don't want you to take offence at this as I am simply trying to be helpful .. have you not thought about seeing your GP to find out if there is some kind of counselling available to help you cope with this rather odd fixation regarding animal print fleeces? There must be some reason behind your fixation as flower print and other print (and not print) fleeces do not arouse the sme distress in you.

I’ll make you a promise; I’ll pop down to the medical centre and discuss my fleece issues, when you see a doctor about the tertiary syphillis that has obviously driven you quite mad, you addled bint.

Pass the Clozapine, fuckface. 

11 minutes ago, Punkape said:

That’s great as long as you’re accompanying them.

Would you like to establish Nazi death camps here ? Presumably your list of undesirables would include mostly people from your own social class....stupid plebs.

lol.

Fuck off.

Golf club membership would definitely put you on the list you utter wanker.

It’s Sunday morning, shouldn’t you be down at Our Lady of The Sacred Uterus sucking off Father McFeeley? Then perhaps down to the faux golf club for a few tough holes with your wood in hand, followed by some hot Roast Cock and a glass of Penis Gringo or some such bollocks.

You need a new act, you transparent cum rag.

Get fucked. 

Just now, nocti said:

I'm no David Attenborough, but aren't those dolphins?

Fair point, I was going for the genre.

Standard uniform for cunts in shithole market towns across the county. Almost to a man or woman, you’ll find the pasty inhabitants flopped on to mobility scooters or clutching walking aids as they huddle for warmth outside Farm Foods rolling a tiny ciggie from a yellowing Vitalite container circa 1990. Often accompanied by the stained beige nylon trouser or skirt, inevitable re-entry specs, and an embarrassed-looking Labrador. Closer inspection might reveal the odd gob of phlegm, a dressed leg ulcer, and lank, unkempt hair. The ultimate wrapper for those who have given up on life, these items produce quizzical looks from the wider public who wonder where one might buy such a monstrosity. 

These scumbags should be first on the bus for Operation Thin The Herd.

Cunts. 

Now the slips slam into each other.

The embarrassment-ometer now reads “Harmison at the Gabba”, so fuck this, I’m walking the dog. 

The Tapeta racecourse is a fucking floodlit hellhole you daft cunt. 

2 hours ago, Panzerknacker said:

Yer not going to sort any cunt out ..tessy will either suck or get the shoeing of a lifetime.

Panzerknacker 

Oh, she’ll suck like a broken Dyson, be in no doubt. The reality of this disaster is starting to dawn on the Zombie government, and once we get into 2018 with no clear direction, the country will turn on her. I’m praying the Russians hack her insulin pump and she has to retire after a DKA coma. 

If there was any sensible opposition, other than that fuckstick Gove and his wolf army, she’d be walking the streets of Maidenhead in her leather pants by now. 

A fucking mess from fundus to apex. 

Apple, isn’t the usual pattern that we play like cunts until the New Year, then the Aussies get mullered on VB and we sneak a win at the SCG, ensuring the post-mortem is all about how unlucky we were? The last hour has been unmitigated shite. Woakes is being buttfucked by Marsh. Cummins knocking Root about like a battered wife. Roots’ naivety as Skipper has been completely exposed. Darren Lehman must be on the beer by now. 

As beautiful as the Adelaide Oval is, I’d be on a tram to Glenelg for some seafood if I were there. Instead I groan into my toast every time Alison Mitchell opens her over-educated yet ill-informed fucking gob. I miss Bumble’s Lancashire burr and Mikey Holdings’ pronunciation of Johnny Bairstow. Fucking BT Sport. 

Hoist the white flag, boys. We are fucked. 

Surfers Paradise vs Newquay

Apollo Bay vs Sandbanks

Great Ocean Road vs The Needles

Melbourne vs Manchester (sorry Manky)

Sydney vs London

yeah, we really knew how to sock it to the sheep rustlers, didn’t we?

Australia is a fabulous country, with fabulous people. Sitting on the edge of the Pacific trading area which will keep them prosperous for the next 200 years. 

However crisp the Autumn morning is here, I’d rather be knocking back a Hunter Valley White watching the sunset any day of the week. 

I’d sign up for “the colony” in a flash, and i’m happy to waive my right to stand for Parliament ( why would you choose to live in Canberra, anyway?).

Things to remember on this crisp Autumn Sunday morning;

1) we hold the urn; a drawn series means they still come home with Root.

2) The Gabba is not for us ; the convicts haven’t lost there since 1988. The d/n at the Adelaide and the shiny track of the WACA might be a bit more receptive to the Jimmy and Stu show.

3) Cook will get big runs. Eventually. 

4) Avon and Somerset Police can come to the rescue yet and get The Ginger Ninja on a plane.

so do not despair... they aren’t Ponting/Warne/McGrath any more. Starc is a streaky cunt. Cummins’ bowling is as ugly as him. 

quick Q for Southern; why was Brisbane half empty today? Everyone at bloody church?