Last Cunt Standing

Mo Farah. What a fucking surprise. 

And, in the capital of being cut off for non-payment, they lose the satellite feed from Civilization. Priceless.

For Christ’s sake, hold it at the O2 next year and sack Polly Toynbee as Chair of the Judges. It’s fast becoming an irrelevance. Who the fuck is Johnny Rae and is he more appropriate a winner than say, Anthony Joshua? The multiple box-ticker Dame Jessica gets a lifetime achievement award in the same year Phil Taylor and Usain Bolt, who transcend their sports, retired. 

Horseshit. 

Here’s hoping David Duckenfield is in charge of the Exit doors. 

Might have known that in holding it in the National Centre for Emotional Incontinence, what used to be a sensible review of the sporting year - think David Coleman in a V necked sweater - those Cunts at the Beeb would turn this show into a PC wankfest. Noel Gallagher singing All You Need Is Love over footage of people presumably maimed in the Vietnam war is the last straw. All we need now is a chorus of Justice For The 96, a solemn march round the Liver Building for the dear departed, a quivering lipped address of righteous indignation from Andy Burnham, then a comedy monologue from Stan Boardman about the Germans winning in a Russia next year. 

Fuck off Liverpool, you are a cunt of a place, and have truly excelled yourself with this shite. 

Ma Boswell is a Cunt. 

16 minutes ago, Tata Steely Dan said:

You drink Jim Beam and Coke, and you think I need to fuck off and let the adults talk? Irony of ironies. 

I’m sure your care assistant told you to stay away from the Irony in case you Burny your (monocreased) Handy you drooling spastic. 

What I drink, and who with, is my business you fucking Dullard. Be assured when I do drink, it isn’t from a bi-handled plastic cup with a gnarled spout, and I don’t need a minimum wage woman in a perm and a tabard to wipe my chin when I am done.

Fuck off. Again. 

Chris Froome will win the Salbutamol award for best Medical Exemption.

Lewis Hamilton will win the Manx Government award for Creative Accountancy.

Mo Farah will win the Guardian Award for Positive Immigration Stories.

And Clare Balding will fight the urge to sit on Gabbys face. I hope she yields to temptation. 

12 minutes ago, Tata Steely Dan said:

 a film that is adored by fat autistic men with limited hygiene awareness

So I presume you’ve seen it five times already, you over-chromosomed cunt?

Fuck off back to your hovel and let the adults talk, prick. 

53 minutes ago, Albert Ross said:

And she's fucking gorgeous!

Wrong. First thing in the morning she looks like a hungover Miriam Margolyes. Farts in bed, too. Rough as sandpaper. 

4 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

Frosty the fucking Snowman, especially - but not limited to - the version by the Ronettes.

This goes for pretty much any Xmas song written or released by Americans between 1945 and 1970, and shoe-horned into their awful Xmas films at every opportunity ever since. On which note, I just need to say that the supposed masterpiece "It's a Wonderful Life" is overrated, overacted, utter fucking bilge.

But Baws, surely your heart is melted by Every Time A Bell Rings An Angel Gets It’s Wings?

By which I mean the seminal album by Swedish rockers, Logh. 

5 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said:

I wager you waited in line all night for those tickets, as well, didn't you?  

In that case, stay away from your local bookmaker, or you’ll end up selling your ring to Punkers. I bought one adult and 2 child tickets, in cash, about 20 mins before the start. I don’t do lines, or queues, as we civilised types call them.

Fuck off. 

1 minute ago, Wizardsleeve said:

Only the thickest of cunts go on opening day!  

Which is why we went on Saturday afternoon, some 2 days after it opened at our multiplex, you soppy cunt. 

46 minutes ago, Jiggerycock said:

Nina Conti has pretty much laid waste to this art form hasn't she?

She's so far ahead of the rest she makes Manchester City look like Accrington Stanley

Nina Cunti can suck my balls. Let’s see whether the talentless haggis-munching old bike can really not move her lips when she has to. 

I don’t understand football metaphors, I’m afraid, having lost all interest in bladder kicking about the same time as Gregory’s Girl. 

Ventrilocunts, as should by now be obvious, are fucking awful. 

Took my 10 year old niece and nephew to this yesterday (so my sister/Santa had time to empty the local M&S). What an absolute cuntfest. Two and a half hours of pointless noise, a near zero muff rating (Daisy Ridley looks like a fucking cricket stump), a plot more contorted than a Michael Hutchence cum face, and Luke Skywalker has a fucking beard, thus resembling Graham Norton, King of the Jolly Irish Chuts. 

Worse yet, even in the premium seats, we were surrounded by dubious obese greasy men in a variety of black t shirts, tutting and groaning their way through a vat of popcorn as they dissected the plot holes in forensic detail. I imagine the local branch of Games Workshop had a very quiet day. A ghastly experience. Thank God for my home cinema system. 

Admiral Ackbar is a Rebel scum Cunt. 

2 hours ago, Drew P Pissflaps said:

E17 and Stay Another Day. If only that Brain Harvey cunt could do a proper job of running himself over just like a spaceship pilot.

Didn’t he vomit after a jacket potato and end up under his car, the Cockney wanker? 

I’ll nominate A Spaceman Came Travelling, by Cunt De Burgh. Nails down a blackboard every year. 

Six hundred and sixty two for nine declared. 

I mean, fuck off. 

If this is what happens when BT Sport cover an England team abroad, let’s hope David Davies gets a new job in their rights acquisition department once this European debacle is over. 

8 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

All ventriloquists are cunts. Mind you, my brother went to a stag do and the act was Roger De Cuntsey and nookie bear and they were a fucking scream by all accounts. 

I saw RDC do an after dinner routine about 20 years ago and saw hard faced rugby players laugh so hard one of them actually pissed himself. 

Sadly times are now so hard for Mr De Courcey he scratches a living as the Theatrical Agent for Rick “Keyboard” Wakeman. Nookie is giving furry hand jobs to HGV drivers in a lay-by on the M20. 

Ventriloquists are Cunts. Many were Children’s TV stars in the 1970s, too. Keeping tight lipped with your hand moving was a very useful skill back then. 

a

A cursory flick through the lesser known Sky channels tonight, and I stumble on this unfunny cunt. This lip-twitching tosspot had a room full of Wisconsin cheeseburger addicts guffawing with the sort of shite that Hughie Green would have had taken round the back of Thames Television and quietly euthanised about 1974. It speaks volumes about the intellectual rigor of the “real America” that this gottle-of-geer fuckstick can play to packed houses every night, with an act so excruciating you’d expect to find it in a Bayswater basement being administered to a Tory MP strapped to a pommel horse. 

For a start, he is technically not that good - his lips move more than Sally Gunnell’s labia at the Barcelona Olympics, and his larynx boings about like Rick Waller doing a bungee jump. Then its the usual tired fare of tit jokes, dick jokes, fat jokes, gay jokes and digs at Blacks, Muslims, Mexicans and Women for 60 minutes using a variety of cunty puppets, while Jeff and Stacey Lardburger whoop and holler. This cunt can’t even dress like a grown-up, either; instead while somehow channelling Johnny Cash and Mark Wahlberg, he gurns away in his black leather jacket like the lovechild of The Fonz and Vicky Pattinson. Lastly, the camera pans over the audience to reveal his audience to be 40% giggling College bimbo, which means not only is the cunt truly awful, he’s also getting into more pussy than Whiskas. A more punchable man I would struggle to imagine, outside the Cheshire Catholic Golf Association. 

Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear must be spinning in their graves. Or they would be, if they were dead. 

Cunt. 

Fuck me, this is awful. Steve Smith has Root by the throat. I can’t watch any more. 

Jim Beam is a far superior bourbon. It’s also much better than JD when mixed with Coke. 

A used tube of Anusol marked “ sorry to have been such a pain in your arse all year”. 

Cunt. 

Still, he’s dead now. 

Hung himself. 

On 04/12/2017 at 11:26 AM, Manky said:

Mrs Manky was lest than impressed when I have her her new animal skin coat. I can't see her problem, Donkeys Jackets are very functional.

I once knew a colleague whose wife said if he bought her a new coat for Christmas, she’d come down to his workplace wearing the garment and nothing else and give him a teasing flash. He bought her a duffel coat, which he got back in the subsequent divorce. 

After Trumps announcement, those familiar with The Book of Revelation are no longer in need of laxatives.

Punkers, as our dedicated a Religious Affairs Correspondent, can you keep an eye out for pale horses and trumpets for us?

Don’t look at the flash, people. 

6 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

not even the French concatenate their consonants so cavalierly.

Cunts Corner word of the day, Baws. Respect. 

7 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

answer the fucking muscle tissue biopsy question first before you start sending Punkapes torpedoes back to him, you smartarse physician type cunt. And as neuropathic suppressants go, pregabalin is a second option to Gabapentin with an Amitriptyline PM bolster. What do you think of that? 

Look it up yourself you prick. I’m not here to spoon feed you. 

1 hour ago, Punkape said:

She’s dead.

Slag.

Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

Poof.

Lol.

Fuck off.

2 minutes ago, Manky said:

Careful Luke, He can take a mans eyes out with his 6 iron and push a mans piles in with his wood.

 

(Together) Oh no he can’t....

I’d have thought the prospect of dubious men in frocks tossing stuff over children before bursting into communal singing would fit well with the best traditions of our Papist community...

6 hours ago, Tata Steely Dan said:

Those are called dole poles in many places, and their purpose is unclear. Usually used by professional 'full time mums' and graduates of 'the university of life' who have Chronic fatigue syndrome (aka a hangover), Emphysema from smoking unfiltered rollies from the age of 10 or fibromyalgia (a made up disease your doctor diagnoses when he wants you out the practice and reckons placebos might keep you away). Enough energy to walk to the bookies, Greggs and the local flat roof pub, but not enough energy to do a job.

Those fleeces seem to only be available in crappy markets in crappy towns. I think I saw some for sale in Bathgate once, next to the pirated DVDs. The shittiest ones have wolves on them.

Bathgate? What the fuck were you doing in Bathgate? 

I need to correct you on Fibromyalgia; nothing made up about it I assure you. I mean just because it happens to regularly co-exist with depression, IBS and chronic fatigue syndrome, has a fivefold higher incidence in lower socioeconomic groups, and has never been shown on muscle biopsy to have any pathological basis at all, doesn’t mean it’s entirely functional illness, does it?

Pregabalin all round. Which funnily enough you’ll find is a phrase heard regularly in Bathgate.