King Billy

Mr Obramovitch’s tarpaulin store has certainly filled a void in the Salisbury Cathedral Renovation Supplies market. Obviously these russkies don’t become billionaires by pure luck. Clever cuntskis

As Mr Bedingfield famously sang “Gimme just a second and I’ll be alright”

I’ve let everyone down, Mostly myself

I knew that last 3 litre bottle of White Lightning was a mistake.

My uncle started smoking and 2 bensons later he was gone. Everyone at the asbestos factory where he worked turned up for the funeral. So kids Just say NO

I’ve only got Betamax. Bought it off a couple of nice Irish guys in a transit outside Curry’s. The box was mint but they must of put an old one inside by mistake

Yeah but he’s still gonna tarmac the driveway tomorrow, Isn’t he? Or he’ll have to return all the deposit. His word is his bond

Off to the gulag for me then. Doh

Yeah but if only we’d listened to the clever cunts Clarke, Clegg, Cable, Blair, Ashdown, etc etc etc, and joined the magic Euro we could’ve been all living the dream now like them lucky Greeks and Spanish and Italians and Portuguese. When will we ever learn eh?

That’s just Dudley apparently

They have to wait till 23.59 on the 28th to see if the frogs have surrendered and which side ze wops are on today

She could possibly be tied to the blades of her ‘husbands family’s windmill and have all the village youths throw their clogs at her. First one to knock her head into the bin wins a big bunch of tulips

Wiltshire constabulary have just stopped a Lada near the cathedral containing Jeremy Corbyn, John McDonnell, Ken Livingstone and Diane Abbot naked in the boot. Mr Corbyn has been cautioned for possession of out of date elbow patches on his corduroy sports jacket and a further charge of associating with fuckwits

Nostrovia comrade!!

Could be a secret signal to a Russian sleeper cell

Anyone for Novichok?

Marco Fu (again) Where’s me cue? Len Ganley- fishy fanny John Parrot - Scouse faggot Alan McManus- dirty scotch anus

Graham Dott - fuckin good shot Rory McLeod - get the fuck out Crucible theatre - see ya later

Marco Fu - have a big jimmy Judd Trump - Where’s my breast pump Stuart Bingham - somebody ring him Barry Hearn - anal ringworm

Mark Williams - Oh matron! John Higgins - Ivor Biggun Steven Hendry - long and bendy

Michaela Tabbs - genital crabs Tony Drago - anal impetigo

The pork sword

Syrup of figs - Multiple Miggs

Can I have some more pleeease?

I heard Jimmys dad only talked in the old Cockney rhyming slang and when he first saw baby jimmy he is said to have shouted “Fuckin hell luv you’ve done a Jimmy White in the bed