KingRollo

It's ok, Cook says she's up for a tumble.

My Liege, thank you. I am deeply moved by your obvious concern and yours is indeed a cautionary tale. I will dub Eric with Wizard's staff. The wood has softened greatly over the years and it yields only a fraction of the power of old. It will need a good polish beforehand to ensure it is up to the job. I am, I must confess, alarmed to learn that your confused state defaulted to jihadi. Usually, when I have a spell of "confusion", I adopt the persona of a children's cartoon character - some might call it whimsical and frivolous but, essentially, harmless. Has Mehmet been supplying you? I fear he may have cut your powder with something sinister. Be careful, we all rely on you. Humble regards, KR

I believe he went to school with Punkape. Hope that answers your question.

Mehmet's not welcome in the Palace - he came to our engagement party, uninvited, turned his nose up at the hog roast, refused to sample the liquor and stole our entire store of toot. Caught him smuggling it under his turban. I'd be careful if I were you. KR

A veritable tragedy, Big Ted was always over at the palace for sleepovers - I think I had a lucky escape!

That's just disgusting. You should know better.

I used to hang around the corner a few years ago, then Wizard got jolly batey about all the time I was wasting and took away my Commodore 64. I am of legal cunting age now, though, so have rejoined and there's nothing the wrinkly old ball-bag can do about it!

FUCK OFF!

Ok.

1. I responded to Eric - therefore categorically not a cold caller. 2. What's a tesponse? 3. Nothing usual about being told to fuck off by Eric - unless you're a blithering idiot - think he must save all that for you! 4. I, on the other hand, do not recourse to telling fellow corner dwellers to fuck off. Not even Punkape or Pen. I am, however, seriously considering making an exception for you.

No problem Eric, I quite understand. Wizard always complains about his terms and conditions when he's had one too many from his special cauldron. Glad to hear your judgement wasn't wholly impaired and I hope you burned down Trumpton clock. They were forever bragging about their stupid clock, "Telling the time, steadily, sensibly; never too quickly, never too slowly. Telling the time for Trumpton". What the hell else is a clock supposed to do? Stupid sods. And Camberwell fucking Green can go next on your list, Eric: if you come across Messers Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb, hang them all. Especially Grubb. I am thinking about putting you on the honours list to be knighted for service to the realm - Sir Eric of Cuntman. Does that appeal to you?

Hmmm, the Narkingdom of Rollo has quite a ring to it! Cook would probably like to expand her herb collection, I am sure; she is always looking for something to take the gamey taste out of the geese we are reduced to eating. Opium is an interesting idea - I believe Wizard is pretty au fait with the stuff - although the Emperor of the Orient might have something to say about it if we start competing with Eastern markets. King Billy is a dear friend indeed. I had put his wealth down to his court's distillation of pimpery to a fine art (I am sure he does not sully his own royal hands, but doubtless the wisdom is passed on.) I have heard tell of the legendary brothels - Queen Gwen refuses to allow me to visit though. Are you a regular frequenter?

Scrotes, if you want an invitation to the Palace, you just need to ask. No need for all this passive aggression.

you're = you are. Possessive preposition = your.

I also have hopes for you Pen, I'd be quite happy for someone turns you into a sentinent being rather than the dribbling carcass in the corner, but unfortunately that just seems a little far fetched.

I imagine you could only hope for something thick and black going through you Pen.

It's ok GG, I understand that I need to be patient with him. If he still doesn't get it, I'll ask @Roadkill to explain it in pictures.

Eric, you are indispensable and no serf. I apologise for any offence caused by my careless words. I only meant to imply how praiseworthy your ... ahem ... gifts to the palace are, and how gentlemanly you have been in the wake of the wallpaper paste scandal. Forgive me. With humblest apologies, KR

I'd steer clear of Pen's bush if I were you. I hear that thing bites...

Have you been getting tips from Pen?

You make a good point KB. I think Chelsea would find defending that quite a challenge...

Chelsea's Defence sounds like a film suitable for the Hallmark channel. I doubt such a film would be worth watching though. It would probably be a legal drama about a carer, looking after a tragic victim of a bike accident, who got distracted and let him eat crayons...

Your generosity is exceeded only by your charm, wit and fine looks. Queen Gwen is literally tickled pink; being tickled in such a way as to induce such a livid hue is something she enjoys greatly, despite the moaning, and she would be pleased to return the favour on whatever occasion Your Majesties deem apposite. I shall be only too pleased to wear my best socks and shiny buttons for your banquet next month - I have procured some of Eric's stash if you would care to share. He brought it by way of an apology for the paste-bucket incident. Your grovelling servant, KR

Philosophy was never my strength - I'll ask Wizard and get back to you.