Goober

Just now, Roadkill said:

Well congratulations and all that, but I think you've been doing it terribly wrong.

Quite possibly. 

Unfortunately, fannies don't come with instruction books (not that I'd read them, being a bloke) so mistakes happen. 

1 minute ago, Roadkill said:

It would make the chat mag stories more interesting - My Fanny Iguana Stole My Ovaries.

Iguana? Amphibian? 

It's just getting silly now. 

9 minutes ago, Roadkill said:

Goober how did you get in there?

Without wishing to be immodest, I've been up a few fannies. 

2 minutes ago, Stubby Pecker said:

I genuinely can’t think of an institution who would fund such a project but let me know if you do, it’s worth a shot. However, I’ll draw the line at shoving a great crested up my arsehole in the name of scientific research. Punkers is your man for small mammal cavity experiments and no doubt keeps a record of his disgusting behavior 

Small mammal? 

Are you sure you're an ecologist? 

Pick any former polytechnic, get some women's rights group involved and they'll be throwing money at you. 

Women's bits as amphibian habitats, game on. It's more interesting than the usual yeast stories. 

17 minutes ago, King Billy said:

At 5 weeks the heart starts beating.

At 8 weeks the foetus starts moving in the womb.

At 10 weeks vital organs are functioning.

At 11 weeks the diaphragm is developing.

At 12 weeks the foetus has taken on human form in all relevant respects.

If it looks like a baby, it’s a fucking baby. You may agree with exterminating babies, I don’t. Nothing personal as we’re constantly at loggerheads about everything. 

3 minutes ago, Dyslexic cnut said:

Don’t toads have four? 

Don't big yourself up, you've not evolved that far yet.

Just now, Stubby Pecker said:

Newts vs Slavic fanny batter. A catchy phd if ever there was.

Could to be feasible. It's damp, warm and humid.  

If Barking Toads are possible, beef curtain palmates is a go. 

I can see a 25K a year grant in this for you, Pecker. Pick your 'habitats' well and you're on a winner, even if the science is shit. 

22 minutes ago, Dyslexic cnut said:

Cynical old cunt. Three peep holes covertly drilled, one on her bog seat. ‘Cameras?’ weird deviant twat.

Peep hole in the bog seat? Wouldn't that require you to have your head in the shitter? 

I'll just assume you were looking for something to eat. 

1 minute ago, Ape™️ said:

No, let’s assume it’s more bullshit from an attention-seeking idiot.

Goes without saying, Ape. 

I wouldn't believe the cunt if he claimed he had two legs. 

Just now, Dyslexic cnut said:

Reported.

Why? I can see that might be offensive if she's Jewish... 

Would mutton be OK? 

6 minutes ago, Dyslexic cnut said:

It arrived at 1230hrs on a Ryanair flight from Budapest. It’s here now. Not as rough as I thought, Uncle Ape., perhaps it was unphotogenic. Standby for further reports, going forward, and please enjoy a Skydrol martini…grease monkey cunt. There’s a tray table knackered at 43c…sort it.

Let's assume this is true for a moment.  

How many hidden cameras did you install in the bathroom and his bedroom and has he sexually assaulted your dog yet? 

9 minutes ago, Roadkill said:

I misread that as "stealing bacon from your wife's knicker drawer"...

Still, better than sniffing bacon in his wife's knickers.

5 minutes ago, Ape™️ said:

Has the imaginary Ukrainian arrived yet? 27th was supposed to be the day. Fucking idiot. Lol lol LOL.

I can report that he arrived, bang on schedule. 

After being shown to his new room, he absconded the same night and subsequently sent an email saying there's no fucking way he'll live in a shithole like Liverpool. 

He's making his way back to Mariupol.

23 minutes ago, Decimus said:

Fucking Hell, Dwile Flonking, now that brings back memories.

I used to fuck some sort from Barford years ago who was true Norfolk royalty, I imagine her family had been shagging each other in the county since the dark ages. We all went to a pub near her old man's and they had this shit on. I'd never heard of it, and whilst I participated, I genuinely can't tell you what the rules are and I don't think half the Hills Have Eyes cunts participating could either. By the time it had finished I was violently voiding my stomach in a country lane hedge whilst being laughed at by the locals.

 

I do hope you've not been drinking at The Cock. 

Just now, Eric Cuntman said:

 

I bet you two thought 'Hot Fuzz' was a documentary.

We used to have some crusty jugglers around here. 

Not sure what happened to them...

8 minutes ago, Decimus said:

Fucking Hell, Dwile Flonking, now that brings back memories.

I used to fuck some sort from Barford years ago who was true Norfolk royalty, I imagine her family had been shagging each other in the county since the dark ages. We all went to a pub near her old man's and they had this shit on. I'd never heard of it, and whilst I participated, I genuinely can't tell you what the rules are and I don't think half the Hills Have Eyes cunts participating could either. By the time it had finished I was violently voiding my stomach in a country lane hedge whilst being laughed at by the locals.

 

It's verging on a religion in my village. 

No cunt, not even the judges, understands the rules, but that matters not. 

Needless to say, if you're unable to compete after 8 pints, you're worse than a fucking amateur. 

I think that bath chair bound, alcoholic cunt, Drew, may have been coaching the Suffolk team this year, which strikes me as an unfair advantage. 

On 22/05/2022 at 20:13, Decimus said:

@Goober this cunt is a Tractor Boy. What shall we do with him?

I regret to report, Decs, that our retarded southern cousins triumphed at this year's Norfolk vs Suffolk Dwile Flonking event. 

Following this humiliation, the Norfolk team has redoubled efforts to reclaim the crown next year. They've upped training effort and are now downing 14 pints every weekend. 

1 hour ago, Stubby Pecker said:

I'm looking to house a pair of Ukrainian girls who could suck a golf ball through a hosepipe.

I'm not bothered if they're ugly as fuck, but at almost 2 quid a litre I just need them to siphon petrol out of parked cars  

As an added bonus, Stubby, their knickers are so wet you can nurse injured newts back to health in them. 

3 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

What a great way to get kids interested in mathematics...

'If the lunatic in the tower is using 7.62 mm which are approximately 300 thousandths of an inch, how many thousandths of an inch are your 9 mm parabellum rounds?'

Fucking hell. Two maths problems in two posts. What are the chances of that? 

Oh... That's three in three. 

47 minutes ago, King Billy said:

🇱🇷 TRUMP 2024 🇱🇷 MAGA🇱🇷

Bill, I've a maths problem that I hope you can help me with. 

The boot capacity of an imaginary M4 is 368.19 litres.

How many 6ft Norwegian Spruces can you transfer to a container in an Asda car park in one night if you're stealing the trees from a forest 37 miles away and traffic conditions allow an average speed of 52.228 miles per hour?

7 minutes ago, Roadkill said:

Best make them .45's. For safety.

Quite right. 

Teacher sets Algebra homework. Eat lead motherfucker!

Prefectly reasonable, for a Septic. 

6 minutes ago, King Billy said:

🇱🇷 TRUMP 2024 🇱🇷 MAGA🇱🇷

King Billy apologises to all mentally stable Americans (aka Democratic Party voters) for promoting a presidential candidate that's even more deranged than he is. 

Gullible twat. 

48 minutes ago, Roadkill said:

If only all those other children who were never ever exposed to violent media were packing heat...

You've accidently hit on the solution here, RK. 

Arm all the kids with Heckler and Koch semi automatic pistols. 

30 x 7 year old kids in a room, each with a 10 shot, 9mm, semi automatic pistol sounds like a reasonably balanced fight against a single lunatic with an automatic rifle. 

What could possible go wrong?

28 minutes ago, Decimus said:

I've just read through one of the testimonies from a dead ten year olds parents. On the day of the shooting they begged, as kids do, to stay at home. Could you imagine if you were that child's father and had to live with that for the rest of your life?

The gun lobbyists answer is more guns, not less. "LET'S ARM TEACHERS TO PROTECT OUR KIDS" as if no teacher will ever go rogue and murder their own class. According to the same idiots their country is safer because everyone is armed to the teeth, "because the good guys can stop the bad guys". I can't think of any majorly publicised mass shooting where an armed member of the public, a "good guy" has taken out a shooter before they've murdered dozens of innocent people.

The only answer is mass gun control similar to what they have in this country. But there's more chance of that happening than Pen stopping her endless campaign of flooding this site with shit.

I recall reading that shootings in US schools have been running at about one every two weeks in recent years, although few on the scale of a couple of days ago. 

Arming teachers is a fucking stupid idea. Are schools going to keep an assault rifle in every stationary cupboard in every classroom, or will they just arm teachers with handguns? A handgun vs a AR18 isn't even a fight. 

Training teachers to shoot paper targets on a range is one thing, but what happens when they are faced with something that shoots back? They're going to shit themselves and start spraying bullets in all directions, most likely taking out a few kids themselves and saving the the sick fuck perpetrating the attack a few rounds. 

The Republican's continued defence of the 2nd amendment is a joke. How a country that backward became the world's superpower is, frankly, astonishing. 

5 hours ago, ProfB said:

My besty big Kazza, asked me to get her a couple of packets of Halls cough sweets (Menthol Extra Strong), because she has a frog in her throat, by the time I reached self service both packets & fallen through the holes in my trolley, this was big, bad news since I put the last two packets Morries had into my trolley.

🛒

@Witheredscrote stop face  fucking big Lezza, or whatever her name is, and stick to gander molestation.