Cuntybaws

I see this talentless dwarf has popped up at Southampton now as “first team assistant coach”. Fuck me, I wouldn't hire this gobshite scouse cunt to make the fucking tea. You'd get considerably better value and coaching expertise by just employing one of the PG Tips chimps, and the chimp would look better in a suit. How do these no-mark wankers keep finding well paid employment despite a long and inglorious career of failure? Football really is for cunts.

Yes, I bet she's no stranger to love in an elevator.

I'm not sure you've grasped this concept in its entirety. I'll give you one more pointer – Lisa Kudrow,

To start you off, here's a special early mention to Charlie's Angels which featured not one, not two, but three examples of this strange breed: the pizza-complexioned Cameron Diaz; Lucy Liu, the only Eurasian you don't want to see firing ping-pong balls out of her snatch; and the one you can't tell apart from ET these days, the man-faced Drew Barrymore.

They might look good in the glamour pages after several hours in make-up and a subsequent Photoshop marathon, but in real life they're not all that.

I was invited to leave my car once in similar circumstances in London, after a close encounter with a hobbit-like Irishman on a pushbike. His exact words, as I recall, were "Come on then, ya wee English bastard, feart?" It turns out that he was not as hard as he thought he was. In fact, if his bike had a flux capacitor fitted he would now be somewhere back in 1955, the cunt was pedalling that fast!

Can't the squaddies out at Camp Bastion sue over this too? It must be hell there, being constantly bombarded by the sound of concerts from second rate entertainers desperately trying to resurrect their tattered careers. You know, cunts like Jim Davidson and Robin Williams. (Well, maybe not Robin Williams.) Bob Hope was a cunt.

Respect!

FTFY - you illiterate fucking wankstain

Is that a doughnut or a meringue? No, you're right enough, it's a doughnut.

I'd by angry too if I was told at my "MOT" that my "number plate" was too small. (These medical euphemisms are increasingly dumbed down these days.) Just kick back, relax, and enjoy some kielbasa.

When I hear the word "brony" I reach for my nailgun.

Speak up!

...and some fell on stony ground. You should start a thread about having sex with stuffed toys, Grumps, that never gets old.

I know a rhetorical question when I see one. And a cunt.

Just after Xmas you asked me to report back on the Kevin Bridges DVD some unoriginal cunt had presented me with. (This was on the Micky Flanagan thread for some reason, if memory serves.) Anyway, I finally watched it, and it's OK. He's sort of a cross between a more interesting Peter Kay and a less extremely offensive Frankie Boyle, which works marginally better than it sounds. In summary, watch it if it comes on the Comedy Channel but don't spend any actual money on it.

You're not just watching the same few bits over and over again, are you?

Knocked out of the Champions League twice in as many weeks - it couldn't have happened to a nastier bunch of poisonous Pope-loving terrorist wankers. Dry your eyes now, Rod Stewart, you cunt!

She might be more careful in future if you told her what the Rev does to "naughty girls"!

Hmm, thick as pigshit teenage girls, with low self-esteem and fuck all morals or sense. Combine this with the Northerners' biological imperative to seek out chips, and the only surprise is that anyone is surprised.

"Eat shit!" Bobby Sands' guard.

Post an irate comment on Twitter. They'll probably quote it, misspellings and all, on what passes for the BBC "News" bulletin these days. That's your moral compass now - the fucking Twittersphere.

Just imagine Gok and Frank "call me Kellie" Maloney going at it hammer and tongs. I don't even know if there's a name for that!

They're fucking comedians? If they're going up the Chuckle Brothers with a Dragon Dildo strap-on, they just went up in my estimation! Sadly I suspect you meant "fucking comediennes". I'm not normally one to insist on feminising nouns in today's equal opportunities world, but it's necessary in this case to underline the fact that lady comics are an abomination in the eyes of the Dark Lord.

Yep, fuck 'em all, the horse-faced cunts. Fuck Ewoks too.