Jiggerycock

(To the tune of 'The Mickey Mouse Club') What is fun, for everyone and never makes a mess? C-U-N. N-I-L. I-N-G-U-S!

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency

A video of your death (engulfed by a giant salivating pig) will be uploaded onto You Tube and receive one billion hits and one million comments - none of them complimentary.

After Giuliani cleaned up all the porno out of Times Square, his next order of business was banishing me from Manhattan. He did everything to keep me out of there, even going so far as blowing up the Twin Towers, my favorite landmark. But it hasn't worked, and I have triumphed and I am back to lay waste to the fucking city.

Colplay! Look at your pants / See how they're full of poo / an evil smelling goo / and the front is all Yellow

Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

Ever take a punch in the ribcage, sonny?

Georgia's on my mind

Grocer Jack, Grocer Jack - Is it true what Mummy says, you've got the clap? Oh no no!

Here in my car - I feel safest of all.....

I feel like a pig has shat in my head

I'm convinced I live my life 30 decibels lower than everyone else. There's a lot of loud bastards cluttering up the place, saying nothing.....loudly.

If someone's more of a dick than me, then we have a real problem. I am the biggest dick on this site and it's gonna stay that way even if I have to inject collagen into it for a month. If I have to get a sturgeon to vomit caviar into my swollen membranes so that I have a dick as big as a sturgeon, then that's what I'll do

In the words of Comrade #1 Ian Dury "Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and pricks"

Oh I love my Cracklin' Rose.....

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON! Then second left, follow the ring road, you can’t miss it.

Use a toffee hammer on the wanksocks to break up the surface strata - Hey Presto! Fish treacle for the kiddie’s lunch box.

When you're in love with a beautiful woman - it's hard.

Whiteboards are remarkable