nocti

3 minutes ago, Frank said:

 

 

Good morning Frank. What do you make of this? Apparently aliens have got sick of mutilating cows and appearing to toothless redneck yanks, and have now switched the target of their fancies to odious pot-bellied talent vacuums from Stoke-on-Trent.

https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/robbie-williams-claims-aliens-targeting-9199543

3 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Paging @nocti.

It's often said that the best things in life are free, but I'd happily pay to see that cunt being flayed alive, rolled in salt and vinegar chipsticks, then lowered slowly feet-first into an industrial wood chipper. I bet the sound he'd make would be infinitely better than any of his shit songs, the fat fucking Stoke-on-Trent chancer. 

17 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Neither is this shit Harold. 
 If you’re going to say something about comedians, it’s best to pick on Lenny Henry and make up something disgusting and funny. Like how Dawn French once mistook a bowel evacuation for Lenny’s progeny and started breast feeding it.

The only funny thing he'll ever be in is a coffin.

Like my antiquated Grandad used to say, "If it hasn't got four legs and a hump, they don't know what the fuck they're doing with it."

This applies both on the road and in the bedroom.

Referring to anything as "banging" really squats over my portion of chips and takes a steaming hot piss on them. Unless it's referring to the sound of their own coffin lids, they can fuck off.

See also: saying that something "slaps" or calling anyone "fam."

2 hours ago, Frank said:

What on earth are you on about this morning? What’s he done, exactly, to wake up the Nocti? Idiot. 

Frank, I'm not the bragging type, but before giving it the big Johnny Concrete to somebody online, perhaps it would be best not to pick someone who once shared a meme that was re-tweeted 17 times, and in the past two months alone has racked up over 200 nectar points.

This cunt is just a talentless Amy Winehouse with a bigger cock and a stronger liver. 

Whatever happens, I'm not sure prison would be up his street. Imagine what Big Baz on E-wing would do to him. I wonder what verbose shite and elaborate yoga moves he's going to use to squirm out of this one.

With plastics being even more taboo than dogging these days, it was obvious that plant-based sex toys would be the next logical step.

I expect there'll be plenty of allotments growing marrows, courgettes and the like. Curiously brown at one end.

Headline act will be Sam Smith crowning an aubergine.

On 08/09/2023 at 22:15, Decimus said:

'To catch a Predator' Featuring @Carl Sway

"8 Out of 10 Scats"

"Have I Got Poos For You."

"His Bark Materials"

"The Shit List"

All featuring our resident canine answer to Gillian McKeith.

11 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

Monkey Tennis with Huw Edwards.

Was thinking of a few of the Partridge ones myself. I think "Cooking In Prison" would be a tad insensitive at the minute.

I thought he died ages ago. If I remember correctly, he asked to have this quote from everybody's favourite plate-smasher as an epitaph...

On 10/12/2015 at 19:54, Frank said:

A proper working class, lottery playing, semi-detached... lucky dip-flid fucking chancer.

Another place we can go to get milk on Christmas Day.

Dribbling Yorkshire morgue-cheater that he was, he did occasionally get some great guests on and wasn't afraid to ask them some rather probing questions, when other sparkly-toothed winking wankers were simply asking them what their next film/gig was.

That being said, he'd had his fun already, and it's about time he died to be honest. Although I expect that in this modern age of screechy bed-wetting spasticity, the one thing he'll mostly be remembered for is pointing out that the majority of people were watching Helen Mirren's films because of her tits. Which they fucking were.

Many phobias are diminished by gradual exposure to the object of fear itself, so perhaps they could be gently submerged in water, and slowly lowered towards the bottom until they stop panicking.

The people who make the stages she performs on ought to be incredibly proud of their craft. Mind you, I pray for the audiences that she never tries to crowdsurf. Would serve them right for going though, the shameless tone-deaf fucking cunts. 

If this hobbling light-bender ever contracted a flesh-eating disease, it could actually end up prolonging her life.

8 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

I specified the funeral arrangements for all Corner members over 2 years ago.

The deceased Corner member is to be placed in a very cheap inflatable dinghy. They will be doused in petrol, ignited and set adrift on the surface of a sewage plant separation tank until the flames burn the dinghy and the deceased is swallowed up by shit and piss.

that’s how I want mine, I assumed it would be good enough for you lot as well. But I suppose some people have loftier aspirations.

It's good enough for me EC. That send-off is also known as the "Sunderland Stag Do."

3 hours ago, entitled little cunt said:

Grief for pop singers. 

Sing a tune and live on the royalties for ever more and never have to do a real day's slog  .Explain  to   anyone who'll  listen how intolerable life is.Really .

Warehouse work, bring treated like shit all  for the min wage wearing boots that don't fit and nail fungus is rather harder to deal with on a daily basis .

 

Good morning, entitled little cunt.

Avatar absence notwithstanding, where do you stand on dog shit? Also, have you ever killed yourself?

15 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

I was ok with acid until I dropped this ‘blue planet’ tab. Really thick paper with a little Saturn 🪐 looking planet on it. An hour and a half later I was walking down the white lines of a road because I was convinced that the houses were expanding under pressure and about to explode. 
Fuck that. I was alright with Psilocybin shrooms though. Your own personal 10 hour Disneyland.

I did ayahuasca twice over two nights a few years back. I witnessed the big fucking bang happen, then experienced time itself just melt, split and fly off in seemingly infinite directions. A few minutes felt like a week, then the next hour sped up to mere seconds, etc. I then spoke to a few dead relatives, had a telepathic chat with everyone else in the room with me, and saw every thought and memory i've ever had become instantly accessible like some mental library.

One of the best things about it was that throughout the experience, I could ask "it" questions as well, and it would give back these insanely profound answers that I wouldn't have conjured up myself in a million years. I also came out of the weekend with a couple of life-long irrational fears completely eviscerated.

There's loads, loads more. Fucking quality stuff.

1 minute ago, Eric Cuntman said:

That’s Sean Connery you stupid antediluvian cunt. Have some camomile tea and lay down in the dark.

Shtoning the homoshexualsh.

Offered without comment.

https://streamable.com/n0cejp

30 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

I bet her fanny looks like a necrotic .50 calibre exit wound packed with wire wool. 

Conversely, I wonder if a forensics ballistic expert has ever turned up at a scene and gone "Fuck me, the side of that poor cunt's head looks like Miriam Margolyes' fanny."

You are a cunt, Punkape.

2 hours ago, camberwell gypsy said:

Ainsley Harriot was shit at Man Utd and Aston Villa. Now the cunt flogs houses and talks bollocks on Match of the Day. 

Belted out some solid tracks with Skunk Anansie though.

11 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said:

That would be a difficult choice… one of them is a hypocritical whining populist cunt that despises white people. And the other one is Lenny Henry.

The fact that they're both widely considered as comedians genuinely baffles me. Anyone who laughs at either of them, unless they've befell a brutal accident or been diagnosed with something terminal, is a fucking idiot, and would be far better suited to institutionalisation or death.

2 hours ago, Decimus said:

Don't expect to see any outrage over it. The little cunt is beloved by the left, celebrities, and every back packer on the planet. Personally I don't get the appeal, his supposedly "wise" maxims read like the contents of a mass produced fortune cookie.

He's about as insightful as an unemployed single mother endlessly reposting quotes erroneously attributed to Voltaire on Facebook.