scotty

I heard that Corbetts family have ordered the "Jockey" model from the coffin range. "That's nice," I thought. "At least he'll be wearing y-fronts."

My mrs leaned against the doorway on Saturday night, licked her lips and said "fancy a fuck?" "You're after something," I replied. "No I'm not!" she protested. "Yes you are," I said. "You're after match of the day, come back in an hour."

Just seen a car parked across three spaces. I'm not sexist, so I'm not going to speculate what gender she was.

I remember how terrified I was the first time I had sex. "Have you brought some protection?" asked the girl. "Why?" I replied. "What the fuck are you going to do to me?"

I was showing my grandmother how to use Google Images. "Pick something to search for," I told her. "Anything at all." "How about a nice cream pie?" she replied. "Except that," I said.

What worries me is I can't decide whether he's going in or coming out of there.

I walked past the theatre when this travesty was first playing. My six year old niece said "uncle, what's a monologue?"

I was there doing some bbc studio sound work when they got that fucking dog to gruff "sausages" on That's Life. The real story was a lot funnier than the ugly mutt doing that bit.

Swift edit needed there, snatchers.

"you're".

I went to a psychic last week and she told me I'd die a virgin. So I raped her and asked for my two pounds back.

Cut out the philosophy, keep on topic and post a fucking joke. If you can't manage that, just flash your growler again.

"Sarcasm won't get you anything," said my boss. "Well, it got me first prize in the World Sarcasm Championships last year in Toronto," I replied. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

"Can we just stop this?" sighed my wife. "You make it all so clinical nowadays." "Don't be ridiculous," I said, consulting my notes. "It's only another 217 thrusts until your orgasm."

I've heard that as well. It hasn't worked on my wife in twenty years of trying.

What time should they have fucked off? I said serious opinions.

Ok, joking aside, I want some serious opinions here and this is the obvious thread to ask on. So a batch of family totalling 8 plus their 4 dogs rock up at our gaff shortly after midday yesterday. We started the meal at 1pm. Finished by around 3:30 latest. Cups of tea, more drinks and a few cakes around 6pm. 4 of the cunts actually fell asleep. I went upstairs for a nap, making my apologies as I'd been up working on a cruise ship since 6am, which they were aware of. I'd assumed by the time I came downstairs they'd have left. They finally went on their way just before 11:30pm. They were invited for lunch. Is it just me, or do any of my fellow cunts here think that's entirely unreasonable? What would be a proper time to fuck off home? I was on the verge of texting my neighbour to bang on the door with some invented emergency when they finally left. And frank, I apologise for my slight tetchiness last night, but as you can see from the above I had good reason to be a bit niggly.

Just pissing around frank, like always. Put on itv3, steptoe and son is on;)

Frank, you are losing it badly. Editing posts that have already been quoted, quoting posts twice, need I go on? Put down the scotch and start on the bleach.

Nothing wrong with a few likes frank. That is, unless you have to beg admin to restore previous ones. I'm sure you wouldn't be so feeble as to stoop to that.

48 hours, frankie. 48 hours. Make the most of them. You haven't posted a single amusing thing since admin opened the asylum doors, I don't know why you're even bothering, it's truly pathetic to watch. You used to be funny occasionally, now you're just tragic.

Finally. We've had the wifes family over for lunch today. Lunch. The fucking cunts have just this moment left. I tried dropping a hint around 7:30 when I excused myself, said I was very tired, and went to bed. Still hearing voices at 10:15 so I got dressed and came downstairs, the cunts were still here. Does anyone think that's reasonable? I mean, is it just me?

Bubbles is a complete fucking cunt alfie, like the rest of us. But he does at least have some entertainment value, however sparse.

I'm not having that. Punkers only ever reads the aldi, lidl or tesco special offers flyers.

Are you an alcoholic? Lol