scotty

Keith, have you considered the merits of bisexuality? It would double your chances of finally getting laid. Add in a side order of necrophilia and you'd be in like Flynn.

Those travelodge adverts are the visual equivalent of saying "I'm not a racist, but...."

That was Ched Evans defence in court. Didn't do him much good.

Jacko, I've just googled your symptoms. You have cancer and are about to die. Go in peace, my son. :(

As it happens ratts, I did do the honours. A duck from waitrose, a few assorted veggies, and a potato gratin in a cream and mushroom sauce with white summer truffles. (Shamefully, the potato dish was from lidl.)

How else would you think I popped my own cherry, baws? Cash is king, and always get a professional. Keith should take heed and do it right.

Its the old story keith, happens to everyone. Don't let it get you down, this is christmas.... the prostitute with your virginity marked on her to-do list might be winging her way to your bedsit as we speak. If she is, remember the festive season and tip her £20 on top of her fee.

Happy fucking christmas, you bunch of utter cunts. I hope you all get herpes. (Im not addressing the denizens of the corner, just practicing my after-lunch speech for tomorrow.)

jesus fucking wept, is that really him?? My mother in law looks better than that, and she died on monday.

I'm shocked you would think me capable of homophobia, dapps. Naturally, I referred to him as a talentless shortarsed foureyed ginger cunt.

I once told elton john to fuck off. And no, he wasn't on top at the time.

You didn't miss much tbh. And it clearly hasn't put her off her usual repetitive shite, unfortunately.

All very true, except the bits about getting your greasy palms on their bank account (which can't happen without monumentally exceptional circumstances, and god knows I've tried,) and the reasons for the offspring decamping. In my experience, once the poor old codger gets dementia or starts breaking their hips or whatever, the offspring suddenly remember their lifelong dream of emigrating to new zealand/south africa/anywhere out of reach. So the old dear has to go into a home as there remains no practical alternative. I know several families who did exactly that the moment their remaining parent lost her/his marbles and started shitting themselves daily. I'd actually prefer it if they just said outright "we can't cope, she'll have to go into a home" than "we can't cope so we're fucking off to australia, we'll be back when she's dead."

Has there ever been a more toe-curling moment than when the brand cunt gatecrashed a post match interview and kissed fat sam allardyce? I hope he got herpes from that, (and to clarify, by "he" I mean either of them.)

Eloquent and accurate, southern. No arguments here, the man is a cunt. I'm surprised though that he'd make the aussie news services, I thought he was purely a british problem, which makes me cringe at what we're exporting to the world.

My mother in law died on monday. That's my christmas fucked then, anybody else been to an italian funeral? (shudders)

Some posters didn't want to keep the miscarriage thread, so you just got rid of it. Oh, the irony.

True. Probably the only pics they have of themselves.

Back or front?

Usually, a care home is more likely to preserve a decent family relationship than the alternative of diy homecare. They are far better equipped to deal with the everyday needs of an elderly person, such as feeding, medication and hygiene than your average Joe Public will ever be. Look at Norman Bates mother, she'd have been alright tucked up in Happy Pastures in Glendale or something and that Vivien Leigh bird wouldn't of got stabbed in the shower.

What, is David coming back then? Because his pathetic, lisping insipid sibling isn't going to save anybody except the tories.

Franks on his best behaviour tonight, admin must of given him a right tongue lashing. Final warning was it, stavros?

Write up a brief synopsis of that and send it to richard fucking curtis. Then kill yourself.

Go right ahead gobbler, ruin another fantasy for me. :(

Fussy cunt. If its got a fanny, I'll shag it. Maybe only once, but there's no need to be picky about dress sizes.