Cuntybaws

Hey, less of the attitude or I'll put you down for Pétanque instead.

You're closer than you might think! I've got the fucking theme tune stuck in my head now, an earworm that will probably be there all weekend. Still, I don't see why I should suffer alone...

I'll put you down for "Croquet", then.

That cunt out of Aswad was in it too, and they had a fat cunt long before it became de riguer. "Doughnut", he was called, which isn't terribly PC but you've got to start somewhere I suppose. There was a also cunt called "Sticks". With a name like that you'd think he'd be a raspberry, but no. He was American, though, so the writers probably reckoned that was handicap enough. Also, the lazy cunts probably couldn't be arsed working out a different humorous way to get him up the stairs every week.

Billy Connolly already did it. "'Alasdair! Have you seen Farquhar?' 'Oh yes, Farquhar's over there with Finlay. Finlay and Henderson. They're talking to Campbell. 'Are they really?' 'Yes. Campbell's talking to Robertson and Robertson's talking to Farquhar and Farquhar's talking to Phillips.' Has nobody got fucking first names round here any more?"

It's a bit like Double Deckering, but without the overtones of paedophilia. Go get 'em, Tiger.

Not this time, no. It was a bit obvious given a starting point of "Penteado".

I recommend you try the more generic "24 carat cunt", thus avoiding the potential embarrassment of explicitly referencing the wrong precious metal. This advice may be wasted on someone whose assaying skills extend no further than the lead on a church roof.

I can make "Tanned Paedo" out of that, which I suspect you'll all struggle to top.

They're wasting their time trying to flog this to the French. Those cunts would probably try to drink it, which is actually understandable as it couldn't be any worse than Beaujolais Nouveau.

Sounds better than "The convicted burglar Richard Stables claimed to have driven on to the farm by accident". Needless to say it had taken Plod more than 10 hours to respond to reports of previous attempted burglaries, but I'll bet the useless cunts got there fast enough this time with their Kevlar and machine guns when the phrase "shots fired" was used.

Ever heard of SI units, you horse-eating cunt? "The international prototype kilogram is a cylinder of platinum and platinum-iridium alloy, which is kept at the International Bureau of Weights and Measures (BIPM) near Paris." It's fucking pointless if I have to explain everything to dunces.

What's your sport of choice then, Snatch? Or are you refusing to answer all simple questions today?

I think I see what you did there.

What an utterly dull little shit stain this Allwright creature is. He should be kept in a vault in France as the absolute standard against which all other tedious little shit stains are measured. If that vault was a hermetically sealed vacuum, so much the better.

Do you mean the northern hemisphere of the Earth, the galaxy, or the entire universe? Not that it matters really, because your contention holds true either way. Fuck off Jazz.

White chicks with black dicks. PS Don't Google that unless you're very secure in your own manhood.

It would feel wrong to get my dogs from the same place where I get my girls.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform the Corner that I am coming out, having realised in these last few minutes that I want to be gay.

What really gets me about the whole dog show cuntfest is the names of the dogs. I mean, what sort of total fucking loser calls their dog “Fabulous Willy”?

Funny, I thought it was the dogs that were cross-breeding the humans, an easy mistake to make looking at their vestigial chins. Dr Moreau was a cunt.

I've just cum!

Fuck off, Douglas Bader.

Signor Infantino is the current President of FIFA, having succeeded Sepp Blatter. I can ignore his alleged corruption involving bribes from UEFA, and I can ignore the fact that he is “an administrator” who has never actually played the game, but what I can’t ignore is his STUPID FUCKING HEAD. It looks like an autistic child has painted a face on a well-greased boiled egg and it has begun to slide off. What a fucking conehead!

^ Elias appears to be a cunt.