Cuntybaws

I heard it was twinned with Srebrenica.

In the immortal words of Frankie Boyle, shagging Posh Spice must be like trying to separate two deck chairs with your cock.

The only problem? I take it you've never been to Moss Side?

A plan to rob Cilla's house during her funeral has been foiled. I guess the Plod in Buckinghamshire just don't have any respect for the old Scouse traditions.

You'll find numerous examples in these hallowed pages: fat cunt; soulless ginger; Welsh sheepshagger; Muslim paedophile; white supremacist. You should probably look up "false tautology" before deciding which of the above are valid.

Playboy put out a Braille edition in the '70s - a bit of a cruel jest on those rendered blind by excessive masturbation. Helen Keller was a cunt.

Thin ice, new cunt, thin ice!

I used to love it - just fucking love it - when thecatwoman went on a wine-fuelled posting marathon. Talk about playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order. The best bit was her shame the next day after she'd read it back, sober and hungover - a joy to behold.

I'll see your three words and raise you to Johnny Depp, Tonto. If The Lone Ranger isn't the worst interpretation of a TV series ever, I'll fuck Vanessa Paradis!

Special Brew is for cunts. Discerning tramps drink Tennent's Super Lager. I find this makes them more flammable. Coincidentally, being set on fire is the same fate that should be visited on any cunt stupid enough to pay the government more than a fiver every time they buy a packet of fags

Whisper it, but he wasn't a particularly good actor. Cracking avatar, though.

Tomorrow's almost over, today went by so fast. Is the only thing to look forward to the past?

I'm really looking forward to "Love Thy Neighbour - Ghost Protocol", starring Tom Cruise and Samuel L Jackson.

That cunt Mike Yarwood made a living doing exactly the same impression of twenty different white men week after fucking week. If there was one single thing in Margaret Thatcher's favour it's that she ended his career overnight.

Lenny Henry whites up in an attempt to disguise himself and thus avoid having to throw his chipolata up Dawn French's Eurotunnel.

Just be awfully careful you don't catch a virus from her. I had a few of those myself, but some nice Indian gentleman from Microsoft is going to get rid of them for me just as soon as my bank details are verified.

So she wants to be "natural" like our chimpanzee cousins? She's certainly got the eyebrows for it.

Oi, Punkape, you're barred!

It was relaunched a couple of years ago, fuck knows why. The stories in Viz were more believable than the shit these cunts churned out. I simply don't understand their business model in an era where there is an effectively infinite supply of free online hardcore porn.

Filthy cunt! (Pun intended.) Where's a marathon bombing Kyrgyz terrorist when you need one? This has inspired me to enter next year's marathon, prior to which I will consume a king prawn phaal washed down with 10 pints of McEwans Export. If that doesn't highlight the plight of the anally incontinent, nothing will.

Who can forget such classic headlines as "World War 2 Bomber Found On Moon", or the immortal "Nik Naks Turned My Bellend Orange"? I can't for the life of me recall there ever actually being any news in it, though, and precious little sport. Oh no, tell a lie, I just found some news!

Do you like fish sticks?

Things NOT to say to a Japanese Giant Hornet: # 1 - Make us some fucking honey then, you stripy cunt. Hah, you fucking can't!

As I recall, this was the theme of the Simpsons episode "Mr Spritz Goes To Washington". The episode concludes with Homer saying, "The planes are now flying where they belong - over the homes of poor people."