Jiggerycock

Or what happens when the abomination resulting from the grotesque coupling of 'Goodfellas' era Joe Pesci and Crackerjack's Peter Glaze, grew into an adult.

It doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter what he says. It doesn't matter what I say. It's all fucking shite and this won't make a LICK of fucking difference, because the MOMENT any nation's economic success comes under pressure, this will have as much plausibility as a prostitutes orgasm. Sting, Bono, Al Gore - they can rattle (and Hum) on as much as they want. Those economic indices show the REMOTEST sign of a downturn and them rain forests are gonna fry!

Hardly surprising is it? I mean they give blanket coverage to Formula 1, which is pretty much a sign of the impending apocalypse. Real 'end of our days' stuff that is. All this Brekafast TV stuff is merely carrying on that trend.

Bollocks! There was a plank of wood in the hull superstructure of 'The Flying Dutchman' in Pirates of The Carribbean, which was played (totally unconvincingly I may add) by a plank of wood and not the guy that plays Charlie in 'Casualty'. A criminal error in casting in my opinion.

Fucking hope not! Look, I'd had a few drinks, it was Paris - what can I say?

Can't think how I missed this one when it was shat into life back in January but hey-ho. Despite Christ-knows how many years in the media spotlight, he always sounds like the work-experience kid let loose in the studio after everyone has gone home. I can live with the Brummie accent - like banging your head against a brick wall, it's just so wonderful when he does finally stop - but his utter inarticulate incompetency defies belief.

He'd be like Steve McQueen in 'The Great Escape'!! Hilts - The King of the 'Cooler'. Unfortunately, with Baws being Scottish, it'd be more like Ives, machine-gunned to death on the barbed wire, attempting a death-or-glory breakout.

Bloody hell my immoral compass has had a malfunction - that one completely passed me by. I think I need to go for some Maoist-type filth re-education.....

I think it's the pomposity with which these thing are invested, that does my noggin in. Like we're really supposed to care about whether the plot gets out or not. I've not seen one damned second of ANY of the Star Wars films, a fact I wear like a gimp-mask at a gang bang. Fuck you Lucas and your overblown, overlong over everywhere culturally omnipresent dung!

Come on man, that was 9 hours ago! Update update update please!!! Is she now a 'squirt of the chefs special sauce' person? You can't leave us all on tenterhooks like this.

Can't you set up a projector on the South Bank and beam a picture up onto the House of Commons and Big Ben, like they did with that TV presenter girl who went out with matey from the Prodigy? Her! You know who I mean? Say it was an art project or something.....'an external deconstruction of the cunts that work inside the Palace of Westminster', something that'll keep Plod occupied whilst we all get a good old gander at Big Julies vertical smile and decide whether we'd give her a punch up the whiskers or not. Get it sorted man - your public awaits!

You are Lady Gaga's style advisor and I claim my £5

Well I could do but it would be a bit like Mrs Michelangelo asking hubby to knock up a garden shed after he'd just completed the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

It's always some tricksy shite than can be interpreted any which way you like isn't it? Never some straightforward, no-frills, 'to-the-point' revelation like 'Four Legs Good Two Legs Bad to win the 2.15 at Haydock'

"And the winner of the 2015 Man Booker Prize for Outstanding Short Story is.........."

You sound like consumer champion Esther Rantzen with Tourettes. "And finally Cyril, you may blow your stupid fucking double-entendres out your necrotised arsehole, you dumb old wank!"

Didn't he play 'Third bag of mouldy jockstraps from the left' in My Beautiful Laundrette?

His facial expression reminds me of the ones you see on dogs that have been interbred a bit too much. A sort of cross between 'confused' and 'brick thick' Think Private Gomer Pyle just before he shot himself in 'Full Metal Jacket'

.....and then bomb Spain "Hell it's all the same! Kill 'em all let God sort 'em out"

Hell, if Trump gets in, showing them a British passport is as good as screaming 'Allah Akbahr' in Immigration's sweaty porcine faces!

Sky News It's still blue

Minimum wage!!! Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Internships are the way to go - pay 'em fuck all and pretend you're helping them brown-nose their way up the corporate ladder.

See! It's not so bad is it?

Cunting mistletoe and whoreson whine!! Deck the halls with H Block Dulux, motherfuckers! Santa's been at the 'Jellies' and is really REALLY bumming out. Donner und Blitzen have got foot and mouth, the Turkey's got Avian Flu and you know that bit in the films where the ridiculously good-looking girl ends up with the unconventional-looking bloke at the Christmas party, because he really gets her and makes her laugh? And you know that girl in work you’ve been mooning over for the last two years? Yeah, that’s not going to happen....

My daughter once appeared on this effluent. Apparently yer man Wonacott is a weapons-grade lecher with really rancid vinegary Body Odour.