Jiggerycock

Do you really come here for informed political comment? I was making a trite, throwaway remark which I hoped drew attention to the French Security services - in marked counterpoint to our own Spooks at GHCQ and Thames House - inability to head of attacks BEFORE they happened. Any elite forces worth their salt can play the hard-man after an event of the magnitude in Paris. You've really overthought this one haven't you, erm, you stupid cunt.

Yeah - AFTERWARDS they do

Indeed, 'Loud demands of outrage before verdicts are reached' being the lingua franca of today's version of the Roman 'Mob'

There's no fucking spectrum in my world. I've reduced it to kindling

Yeah sorry - I came all over Prof B for a moment there...by which I mean...oh hell, you know...{stops digging and has a good hard think about himself}

Naming the weather? Christ on a fucking moped! A bloody great fuck off Hurricane? Okay, if you must. Why not call it 'The First Four Black Sabbath Albums'! "Here's Carol with the weather". "Oooooh (simpering smile). Hurricane 'The First Four Black Sabbath Albums' blew in today and totally destroyed Southern England" FUCK YEAH IT DID! But now a pissy little storm gets it's own name. Call it 'Windy Morrissey'.....or 'Breezy Haircut 100' "Windy Morrissey blew through yesterday, in case you didn't notice, and left no damage except to a bunch of crying teenagers. Morrissey has now been downgraded to 'The Cure' and is expected to wet a few beds in the Home Counties this evening" ....... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

As us ground breakers in here discovered long ago, a simple misunderstanding can be turned around with a bit of humour - and calling them a cunt.

Here's a leftfield one for you - West Wycombe! High Wycombe is well-known as a breeding ground for ne'er do wells, Jihadi's, not-rights and wrong un's set in an urban landscape that want's to twin with Mogadishu. But West Wycombe? Why Jiggers you jest sirrah? Is this not the land of the Hellfire Caves in all their Byronesque glory? The gateway to the rolling Chiltern Hills? The very epitome of leafy suburbia? No it bloody, flipping well isn't, matey-boy! You know that bit in 'American Werewolf in London' where the two Septic Hitchikers stumble into that pub on the Yorkshire Moors, to be told to fuck off by Brian Glover (and Rik Mayall, if you look closely, film trivia fans)? Well West Wycombe is like that. Forever stuck in Early Closing Day somnolence, its inbred, snuggle-toothed inhabitants hiding and cackling behind their webbed, tissue-like rat-fink claws at any civilian that strays into their little 'Ville. Avoid! It's just plain creepy.

Or The Crown Jewels - kept in secure conditions, to be gazed upon by awestruck tourists

Sitting here studying the form for Cheltenham this weekend and the good lady wife has got Grand Designs on. It's the biggest pile of self-stroking wank this side of a Bukkake festival. I'm going to sit here and play 'Grand Design Bingo' "Space" (When us civilians mean 'room' or 'house') - Check! "Airiness - Check! Couple of clichéd homosexuals - Check! "Seamless Integration" - Check! "Integrating compact airiness" - Check! (Okay I made that one up) These cunts have no idea what they are talking about as long as they sound plausible to the pseuds-ghetto they inhabit. The ultimate triumph of style over substance. I think Knockanrawley might win the 4.00 on Friday

God you turn me on when you're angry, you ancient brute!

Hey hey HEY - you're onto something here! It would certainly add something to an otherwise run of the mill Match of the Day, when a miked-up Mark Clattenburg comes on and goes "Drogba get the fuck up before I pop a cap in yo' ass, muthafucka!"

Next year's Turner Prize winner?

I mean, if you're going to blurt stuff out, at least make it funny... https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=cprBs7-hSkoI

Is it a full moon or have some of our group been at the catnip? It's all very personal - scaring the horses something rotten.

Looks like he's got his face on inside out. Andrew Strauss! This is YOU in 25 years time - even the 'don't invade my world, I'm allright Jack' politics.

I'm blessed. My parents were a petri dish and Georges Marvellous Medicine so I have no 'family' as such, just stuff that slithers down walls and that pigs snuffle around for. They love me because I made it out of the primordial 'ooze' to spout shite on an arsehole fucking cunt website no bugger reads.

Adding my two pennorth to this existential debate as to the very nature of our little group. Why not force all new posters to make their first ten (fuck it fifty) posts about this 'Frank' character? That'll prove they fit right in, can talk a lot of inconsequential bollocks and totally hijack any thread with comedic potential. After that they're free to talk about whatever they like, yea even unto the stream-of-consciousness waffling gob-toss Prof B comes out with.

Gonna spend all your days asking if 'you want extra fries with that' then aintcher? What kind of an attitude is that to go out on your shield with young lady? Get some libellous abuse in double quick....stuff about Joanna Lumley having a rubber nipsy!

Yeah no wonder the poor Syrian cunts are in tears. They flay themselves stupid to reach this great symbol of the free west and there is no Sapphic action! No strapons! No Jemma Jameson going at it hammer and tongs with some other equally pneumatic starlet and no Ron Jeremy coughing his filthy yoghurt over the entire bloody issue, I mean it's no wonder the poor sods want to go back home.

People people! You're nobody unless your posts have been removed. Get five removed and they give you a fucking great gold star and move you onto the McFlurries and Nuggets.

He was a nasty little fucker!

I strongly suspect this isn't a nom at all, but a coded message to a shadowy Al Queada cell, which translates to: 'The Morrison slaughterfest is on - see you by the Delicatessen counter oh my brothers!'

Let's face it, any trip to the supermarket is right up there with JFK's whizz round Dealy Plaza in the list of 'journey's best avoided' Nonetheless it comes to us all at some point, so best get the damn thing over and done with as quickly as possible - but that's when your trouble starts. Although your Aldi's and Lidl's are Chav Central, they do have the overarching benefit they are run in order to get you in, out and separated from your cash as quickly as possible - a worthy bargain then, for the chap with greater issues to attend. You crouch, Adam Gilchrist-like at the end of the conveyer belt, whilst the Eastern European minimum wager hurls down a your comestibles - Condoms, Vaseline, Bullets - like Brett Lee. You grab 'em and bag 'em and YOURE OUT OF THERE, free as a bird to explore the higher echelons of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Tesco's though! Tesco's (God give me strength)!!! He's a rocket scientist....he's a rocket scientist...he's a rocket scientist...he goes through the portals of Tesco's and HE'S A FUCKING IDIOT!!! Random stops! Weird fondling of frozen produce! The kind of vehicular control over the shopping trolley that George Michael has when he's had one too may tokes on a doobie and he gets behind the wheel of his Range Rover! And all this is before the token-cashing / clubcard-scanning / molasses-emerging-from-bottle speed of the foetid hell that is the checkout experience. Just avoid it folks - or go stick needles in your eyes instead.

Creepy, formulaic, over-long with a whiff of 'Savilry' about it