nocti

"Can't be arsed with doing another action film to be honest." - Jason Statham

I shared a flat with a vegan years back, and one day I came home and found him dead. Couldn't find a pulse.

"Can't be arsed with doing another album to be honest" - Bon Jovi

...the appearance of someone who was baptised with scalding hot coffee, and the kind of bellendrical attitude reserved only for the upper echelons of the mega-cunt fraternity.

Says the twat who, mere hours ago, cheered on one made about my newly born own. But Jazz, hypocritical as that is, I see the post for what it is, a (mildly funny) jab at me on an Internet forum, from someone who doesn't even fucking know me, therefore I find it incredibly difficult to get all riled up, or even slightly offended by it. Besides he is a little flid.

At least I had a Mother to raise me, not an incestuous homosexual carnival troupe. Bit late for my sleep yet Franky boy, but you're probably on your third kip of the day yourself after all those binges on cans of Special Brew, lounging on your make-believe beach (spunk stained settee). You had plenty of ammunition to go on there too. Very disappointing mate.

What the fuck is going on lately? Have I quantum leaped into some fucked-up dimension? As I type this now, Hallmark must be starting a line of "Sorry You're Black" cards, and "Get Well Soon... after your fall from a fucking airplane onto a shop you daft cunt." Not to mention the Charleston incident. I despair sticking the news on at the minute.

Not too many miles away Gyp; lasagne. Home made by Mrs N, and rather bloody lovely, but a mere shadow of its former glory when I made it through the pasta into the browned runny ragu, and for some stupid fucking reason cast my mind back to this thread.

I remember liking this shit years back, when I tried it whilst on a weekend away. I got a pint of it again recently and thought it was fucking rancid. Could've been dirty pipes or something, but I reckon you could filter watered down Tuborg through Keith's arse hair and it would taste better than this shit. Probably.

Actually, on second thoughts, bollocks to the catalogue now. Not only do I no longer need it, after seeing all the marvellous products on offer here, but I can't say I find any of them particularly enticing. Especially Brony's Beads, the thought of which have quite frankly put me off my fucking dinner.

Three now!

You mean for archery practice? You couldn't miss this cunt if you tried to. Apparently, for her gastric band they had to rob the fan belt from a fucking airbus.

​Fucking stupid cunt.

​I got more laughs out of my Mum dying. His new character is just as shit. I would express more anger if I had it; it seems to be replaced by pure pity, that somewhere in the world there is someone somewhere typing that utter fucking shit. What a fucking cunt.

​In theory, you'd think this would take all the bullshit out of shopping. But when said cunt arrives with your bags, you have to take them from the front door to your kitchen in a crate, unload the bags, return the crate to the cunt, then he asks if you want the bags recycling, or if you have any old ones, blah, blah. I'd actually rather put up with the monotonous conversation at the checkout, than have some stupid fucking bellend who can hardly speak languages good like I can, chat awkward bollocks whilst i run from the door to the kitchen. Plus you always get some dodgy as fuck swaps. One time my missus ordered a Glade plugin, and instead of changing the fragrance, they gave us a can of febreze. True story.

​I've been genuinely convinced that this is the alter-ego of some sad, lonely fuckwit for a while, but now it has simply become ultimate truth. Die in a fire.

I agree that he's overrated, but look at how many of his books have been blockbuster films. Even the aforementioned sachet of semen. Him and Tolkien got me busy as a kid though, inbetween the times I was throwing myself around the house by my own dick. His short stories are far better than his big fucking epic twenty book long opuses. For more than obvious reasons.

You know what Jig, we're likely to get our arses fingered for this but I'm right with you there. It's a well and truly overrated shit-covered used johnny of a film, make no mistake. I remember enjoying the story as a kid, and actually like The Green Mile as a film, but The Shawshit Redicktion is not a great screen adaptation by any stretch of imagination, although to be fair mine is usually occupied with beer, and occasionally tits.

Bricktop!

That's the fucking cunts corner spirit!

"No dessert menu for me thanks, can we just have the bill?" - Jo Brand

I get bollocked for saying this all the time, but apparently what sways it into the political correctness box is "white privilege". White people should feel privileged to be born in the countries they were born in, and should therefore feel guilt and shame that blacks don't get treated in the same way they do because of it. I think this rings true in the states. Look at how mental their fucking police are going at the minute. But it's spreading here like wildfire, in a place where I feel we are more than welcoming of other races/cultures, and I'll be fucked if I'm going to feel guilty about it. Same goes for gender/sexuality. Feminazi tumblr bullshit is heading here like a fucking tidal wave. I never thought I'd ever have to feel ashamed to be a white, straight male in England. But apparently I should.

No matter which radio station you listen to, be it BBC 1, 2 and all the Xtra/Asian/+1 bollocks, not to mention your local bastard stations, there is always some gormless fuckwit screaming in your ear. What happened to introducing songs briefly without giving opinions on the news (the news has its own section), the weather (the weather has its own section) or what they had for dinner last night? Not to mention their inexplicable inability to differentiate their playlists. DJs used to have a personality, now it's dictated to them from higher up and they play a predetermined pile of wank. Anyway... There are talk radio stations for that non-sequitur bollocks. I'm on a long journey, shut the fuck up and play some music you cunts.

"Fuck MS Paint, allow me to express this through the rather alien nature of language!" - Jizz