Guest luke swarm Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Once again I have had an invite to a reunion of people I used to work with. You would think that knowing me once was enough to convince people that I am a sullen, miserable and socially maladjusted cunt who only tolerated them because I had to. But no I get another message from an unfamiliar mobile number that a get together is planned and my presence would be indispensable....with the additional information to join the "conversation" on Facebook (for wankers) to see who else will be there. Even worse it is on a Saturday afternoon.Saturday afternoons to me are precious as I carry out my favourite pastime of drinking tins of cut price lager, eating Fridays leftover curry and watching Youtube in my shreddies as well as making sure the crisp crumbs are ground into the carpet properly. If the Mrs Swarm is out I may peruse some Russian reproduction information films. This is the third one this year, none of which I have attended but I am such an abject social coward that I always reply.."Great idea of course I will be there" when really I mean fuckoff and leave me alone you over cheerful turds. Having attended some in the past, all they are is a collection of cunts trying to find out who is making the most money or who is still married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Saturday afternoons to me are precious as I carry out my favourite pastime of drinking tins of cut price lager, eating Fridays leftover curry and watching Youtube in my shreddies as well as making sure the crisp crumbs are ground into the carpet properly. You are Sporty Spice and I claim my £5. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nobgobbler Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 I went to one of these cunt parties once and out of desperation to avoid the company letch I made a bee line for an ex colleague i remembered had been a nice bloke. The last I heard he was divorced and I felt a bit sorry for him standing there alone looking glumly into his pint of bitter. So I got him a whisky chaser and we exchanged some light hearted banter about the old days. Some friends came up to drag me away so I said "and by the way I'm glad you dumped bouncy pants - you can do so much better. Fucking hell she's shagged 40 per cent of the blokes in this room." to which he replied, "Oh we're still together, which blokes are they then?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 Fucking love them!You can play the role you were born to and not what fate and curious happenstance actually gave you.In my time I've been a member of the Territorial SAS, a professional gambler, a roadie with Oasis and the enigmatic stranger that you read about in fortune teller's tales.I once, rather convincingly (no, really dahling) was the unfortunate soul, mildly afflicted with Tourettes ("CUNTS - I'm sorry, who said that?").Moonwalked out to complete silence! It was totally 'tastic! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 The trouble with these cunts is they won't give up. I had a group of people from my old school contact me for eight years running, about a fucking class reunion. First time, I just apologised and said of course I'd like to have attended, but sadly I'm away on holiday that week. The next year I was a bit sharper, and just said sorry, I won't be there. This escalated to the point where I finally had to tell them point blank that I really didn't want to see any of them again and could they please just fuck off and die. Even after that, I got another invitation the following year, which I returned with a swastika scrawled on it. Cunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DingTheRioja Posted August 24, 2015 Report Share Posted August 24, 2015 ...........which I returned with a swastika scrawled on it. Cunts. Soft cunt... ....first school reunion my lot tried i told them "no fucking chance" within the first 30 seconds, over the course of the next few weeks they tried occassionally to cajole me into it... some cunts even found out my Facebook (locked off to everyone except my mum and brother) and started requesting to "be my friend"... so a couple of "fuck offs", Block User and Report Abuse seemed to stop it rather quickly...Haven't heard from any of the cunts in the last 3 years, not bad going since I only live about 20 miles away... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 I think you lot enjoy receiving these tedious life wasting fucking things. If you truly despised them as much as you claim, you would contact every possible office and demand your address be removed from the alumni roster, which is what the silly cunts who plan these things go by when they mail. You might even have to threaten somebody with going to the media about that time they touched you inappropriately in the boys change room before PE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Drew P Pissflaps Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 I have never been invited to one which proves that either I was just a bigger cunt at school or everyone considers me a social misfit like Prof. I quite like the idea of a wham reunion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm not old enough for any former class mates to have bothered getting round to organising one of these yet.But I can't imagine I'll have much interest meeting up 90% of the dullards that never left the market town.Anyone worth staying in contact with, I'm still in contact with. Anyone else is most likely a cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Anyone worth staying in contact with, I'm still in contact with. Anyone else is most likely a cunt.My views exactly, bill. I'm slashing nicely through our annual cuntfest this year, namely an enormous cull of our christmas card list. I've reduced it from around 150 to less than 30, and counting. The wife isn't happy, so I'm tempted to knock her off the list too. Miserable cow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 My views exactly, bill. I'm slashing nicely through our annual cuntfest this year, namely an enormous cull of our christmas card list. I've reduced it from around 150 to less than 30, and counting. The wife isn't happy, so I'm tempted to knock her off the list too. Miserable cow. Look at the calibre of school-friends I am still in touch with! I refer you to one Richie Brains. If he's the cream of the crop, imagine the state of the cunts I left behind! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Have to agree with you here, swarmers. Re-unions are singularly for bastards, in an effort to demonstrate how much better some other fucker has done than those he wishes to be a smug prick in front of. "Oh yeah, Jeremy's a dentist now and Ken's a flying paediatrician in Australia. What is it you do now? Oh...you're a cunt". My only advice to any cunt thinking of attending one of these unctuous knob-fests is turn up with a fully loaded semi-automatic weapon, a selection of your favourite fragmentation devices and a broken bottle. Any cunt crawling about afterwards, screaming for their mother and trying to gather up their shredded innards from the floor can simply be set on fire. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 I sense a polarisation of thought for the common or garden sociopath when presented with an invitation to one of these Johnnies.Go, and inflict every facet of your damaged psyche on your bewildered former classmates, up to and including mass murderOrAvoid, as, in the time-honoured words of our hero Applescruff, it's bound to be a cuntfest and you can best spend your time sticking needles into Voodoo Dolls and calling Tom Daley a cunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Look at the calibre of school-friends I am still in touch with! I refer you to one Richie Brains. If he's the cream of the crop, imagine the state of the cunts I left behind!Out of interest bill, which borstal did you go to? ...Oh, incidentally, I just heard from my mother that one of my uncles has croaked. And because I always send cards via him to his two daughters, that's three more cards off the list!!! What a fucking result Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bill Stickers Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Cunt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Out of interest bill, which borstal did you go to?...Oh, incidentally, I just heard from my mother that one of my uncles has croaked. And because I always send cards via him to his two daughters, that's three more cards off the list!!! What a fucking result If you sent cards to him, you might be in line for a payout from his will too!Result squared!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 If you sent cards to him, you might be in line for a payout from his will too!Result squared!!And the way is now clear for a threesome with both daughters without fear of shotgun retribution.Result cubed! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 And the way is now clear for a threesome with both daughters without fear of shotgun retribution.Result cubed!Fuck it, I'm in!Just going to start sending birthday cards to random long-lost members of my family in the hope of hitting middle pin when it comes to the reading of the will (nubile daughters a bonus).Why hasn't this entrepreneurial exercise ever been pitched on Dragon's Den? Debra Meaden'd be at it like a rat up a rope! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest luke swarm Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) Out of interest bill, which borstal did you go to?...Oh, incidentally, I just heard from my mother that one of my uncles has croaked. And because I always send cards via him to his two daughters, that's three more cards off the list!!! What a fucking result let me be the first to offer my condolences on your sad loss Scotty.....moving on, err these two young daughters will be needing a sympathetic ear and understanding hug I would assume....If I can help then by all means I can be called in to help them get... err over this period...purely professional you understand.Just contact me atRolf Harris Counselling Service, Saville House, Clifford Street, Talbot. Edited August 25, 2015 by luke swarm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 If you sent cards to him, you might be in line for a payout from his will too!Result squared!!christ almighty jiggers, that is an excellent point, and one which hadn't occurred to me. The tight fucker had plenty of spare cash splashing around, I ought to try and get my claws into it. He was also my godfather, so I might get first dibs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jiggerycock Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 christ almighty jiggers, that is an excellent point, and one which hadn't occurred to me. The tight fucker had plenty of spare cash splashing around, I ought to try and get my claws into it. He was also my godfather, so I might get first dibs. Schoolboy error that Scotty.Get to it and let us know how you get on - if you can elbow aside the retinue of hookers and mountain of cocaine that'll inevitably be coming your way if successful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 let me be the first to offer my condolences on your sad loss Scotty.....moving on, err these two young daughters will be needing a sympathetic ear and understanding hug I would assume....If I can help then by all means I can be called in to help them get... err over this period...purely professional you understand.Just contact me atRolf Harris Counselling Service, Saville House, Clifford Street, Talbot. Luke, I don't know how to break this to you mate, but both his daughters are older than me. Which means they're the wrong side of 54.That said, one of them is a kind of sexy hippy type, and I probably still would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 let me be the first to offer my condolences on your sad loss Scotty.....moving on, err these two young daughters will be needing a sympathetic ear and understanding hug I would assume....If I can help then by all means I can be called in to help them get... err over this period...purely professional you understand.Just contact me atRolf Harris Counselling Service, Saville House, Clifford Street, Talbot. Luke, allow me to say you've re sparked my faith in humanity. I've not witnessed an act of such deep compassion and goodness in years. Are you certain you're a genuine cunt? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest luke swarm Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Luke, allow me to say you've re sparked my faith in humanity. I've not witnessed an act of such deep compassion and goodness in years. Are you certain you're a genuine cunt?Thank You Wizsleeves, one does what one can. The R Harris Care service is a registered charity which now has Branches in Dolphin Square, Elm Guest House and Haut de la Garenne in Jersey to name a few, our sponsors are well organized and very supporting...indeed we have members in Politics, show business, The Judiciary and the Catholic church to name a few. They are all active and drop by most nights when the kids are tucked up to check how they are doing. The kids are happy and involved in lots of activities, we often take then out Sailing with our Yacht master Mr Heath and especially encourage the young boys to attend these weekend trips. On the night time we regularly have discos with our resident DJ Mr Travis, where they happily dance to the tunes of the G Glitter band. They are also given Bible lessons followed by severe chastisement by our resident Catholic chaplain, the Reverend Barry Stard....known fondly as Baz.The important thing is that that they are happy and don't have access to disruptive outside parties such as the police or other misguided do gooders who wont understand the good work we are doing here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Luke, allow me to say you've re sparked my faith in humanity. I've not witnessed an act of such deep compassion and goodness in years. Are you certain you're a genuine cunt?You're not wrong there wizz, I welled up a bit reading lukes saintly comments. I can't help thinking he could be on the wrong website, maybe he works for the samaritans? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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