Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 26, 2016 Report Share Posted June 26, 2016 10 minutes ago, scotty said: Yes Wiz, but I also discovered that a mirror on your shoe can actually get you arrested. What kind of world do we live in where a bloke can't hide a mirror in his laces and look up skirts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2016 2 minutes ago, Wizardsleeve said: What kind of world do we live in where a bloke can't hide a mirror in his laces and look up skirts? I know mate, it's appalling. Looking on the bright side, the Brexit vote means we aren't governed by European law any longer, so my restraining order no longer applies. Happy days Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 26, 2016 Report Share Posted June 26, 2016 1 minute ago, scotty said: I know mate, it's appalling. Looking on the bright side, the Brexit vote means we aren't governed by European law any longer, so my restraining order no longer applies. Happy days When you replace the public pool ladies changing room spy cams, do let me know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2016 1 minute ago, Wizardsleeve said: When you replace the public pool ladies changing room spy cams, do let me know! Will do wizz, but there is a small fee. Just for administration, you understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 26, 2016 Report Share Posted June 26, 2016 Just now, scotty said: Will do wizz, but there is a small fee. Just for administration, you understand. Understood. I'll put a few quid away in the old shoe box. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CaptainCuntoff Posted June 26, 2016 Report Share Posted June 26, 2016 Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track, chatting casually. "I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them, "a great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!" "Well," said the other, she must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose." "Dunno," said the first, "I couldn't find her head." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 Took the girlfriend out seagulling last night. Some people call it "dogging", but you should have seen the state of my car this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Quincy Cockfingers Posted June 27, 2016 Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 46 minutes ago, scotty said: Took the girlfriend out seagulling last night. Some people call it "dogging", but you should have seen the state of my car this morning. You let seagulls into the back of your car? You maniac. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 Had a fantastic shagging session with the wife this morning. Afterwards, I cuddled her for a while, then left her some flowers on the table before leaving for work. I sometimes think I should have done that more often while she was still alive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 Went to see the Red Arrows at the weekend. Fantastic entertainment, 30 minutes of amazingly dangerous high speed manouvres and incredibly near misses. People were watching open-mouthed, pointing, gasping in astonishment, shouting, and even covering their eyes. Anyway, the wife finally managed to park and we made our way to the air display. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 After shagging Cheryl Cole the other day I'd like to say two things. 1. Her tits aren't that great, and are probably implants. 2. The staff at Madame Tussauds are a miserable bunch of cunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2016 Had a blazing row with the wife yesterday. Screaming and swearing, some awful things were said, real relationship-threatening stuff. Well, this morning I went out and bought a few things I thought might help settle the matter. But when I got home she had written me a note and left for good. I was so stunned that I dropped the spade, sack and shovel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2016 The woman that just drove past me on the motorway was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2016 The missus started crying when the airline made her book two seats because of her size. I said, "Cheer up, at least you'll get two meals." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 28, 2016 Report Share Posted June 28, 2016 As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this you daft bint!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubba C Posted June 28, 2016 Report Share Posted June 28, 2016 I've just met a woman who raps about equality for women. She's called 'Feminem'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2016 I heard on the news that a banana a day helps to keep your colon clear. I just wish they'd mentioned that you're supposed to eat them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2016 My boss came up to me at work today and asked if I wanted to get rich quick. "Damn right" I replied, rubbing my hands. "What do I have to do?" "Bring the cunt to my office," he said. "I'm firing him." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted June 29, 2016 Report Share Posted June 29, 2016 Before her wedding the brides mother gave her these words of wisdom: "my beautiful daughter, you are setting upon your new life with a good man, but be careful. If he ever tells you to turn over, you will have to resist and set the boundaries straight away. Aside from that be a good loving wife." As the newlyweds were consummating their union, her wealthy Greek husband whispered in his brides ear "my darling, you are so beautiful, please turn over" to which she immediately objected. "My mum warned me about this and that you'd probably try and I won't be having any part of it." Confused and upset the husband said "you silly girl, do you want to get pregnant or not?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 "Whats your favourite movie quote?" asked my wife. I thought for a moment, then replied "I've come to repair the washing machine." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted June 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 Apparently Man Utd have 659 million fans worldwide. So that just leaves about 6.4 billion people that fucking hate them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2016 I ran out of Rizlas in the pub last night so I asked the Polish bloke sitting next to me if he had any papers. For some reason, he jumped up and sprinted through the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BrothersQuim Posted July 1, 2016 Report Share Posted July 1, 2016 A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BrothersQuim Posted July 1, 2016 Report Share Posted July 1, 2016 The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?' Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.' After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?' Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?' The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted July 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2016 Welcome back to the thread Mr Quim, bubbles, me and wizz are flagging rapidly here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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