scotty

You couldn't be bothered to drop in and give me a quick blowie then. Thanks a lot.

We drove down the M27 today, and left it at junction 9. Busy motorway roundabout. The traffic was heavy, and being 200 yards from the motorway was also travelling fast. As I got onto the roundabout, I saw a couple of cars swerve away from something. The something turned out to be two people crossing the road on foot, onto the roundabout itself across 3 lanes of traffic. Pushing a fucking pram. And when I slowed down and veered round them, there was indeed a baby in it. For fucksake, what are these cunts thinking of? What goes through their tiny minds? They were dicing with death walking onto the fucking roundabout, and would have to do the same fucking thing to get off it on the other side, which would have been even more dangerous given the blind corner there. If they don't care about their own safety, couldn't they at least spare a thought for the sprog? Cunts. Utter fucking cunts.

When I was fifteen, I walked into my parents bedroom without knocking. They were having sex. I've never been so shocked. Couldn't believe the bitch was cheating on me.

Damn.

Keep up love, there's a good girl.

...and purity of essence.

You know far too much about this for a bird.

Don't bother. That's the only viable alternative so the oil barons won't allow it, at least not in our lifetimes.

I gazed into her deep blue eyes. My heart was pounding, sweat on my brow, unable to speak. It felt like an eternity before she parted her beautiful lips and said those three little words I'll never forget. "That's him, Officer."

My neighbours 12 year old daughter asked me round to help with a computer problem. "Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this software. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security." "If your parents are out," I said, unbuckling my belt, "then you've already done that."

I don't get that one either.

Those growler pics would probably have been voted up on sicki, bubbles.

That's not much of a joke roops, I don't get it at all.

An interesting philosophical question drew, which throws up a lot of conundrums. I'm gagging to see whether the corner faithful will swallow it.

The fucking cops are fucking keen to fucking keep it fucking clean the fucking chief's a fucking swine who fucking draws a fucking line at fucking fun and fucking games the fucking kids he fucking blames are nowhere to be fucking found anywhere in chicken town the fucking scene is fucking sad the fucking news is fucking bad the fucking weed is fucking turf the fucking speed is fucking surf the fucking folks are fucking daft don't make me fucking laugh it fucking hurts to look around everywhere in chicken town the fucking train is fucking late you fucking wait you fucking wait you're fucking lost and fucking found stuck in fucking chicken town the fucking view is fucking vile for fucking miles and fucking miles the fucking babies fucking cry the fucking flowers fucking die the fucking food is fucking muck the fucking drains are fucking fucked the colour scheme is fucking brown everywhere in chicken town the fucking pubs are fucking dull the fucking clubs are fucking full of fucking girls and fucking guys with fucking murder in their eyes a fucking bloke is fucking stabbed waiting for a fucking cab you fucking stay at fucking home the fucking neighbours fucking moan keep the fucking racket down this is fucking chicken town the fucking train is fucking late you fucking wait you fucking wait you're fucking lost and fucking found stuck in fucking chicken town the fucking pies are fucking old the fucking chips are fucking cold the fucking beer is fucking flat the fucking flats have fucking rats the fucking clocks are fucking wrong the fucking days are fucking long it fucking gets you fucking down evidently chicken town

To be fair, I've never heard of any priest getting a choirboy pregnant. Never once.

"Be honest, is my new spray tan too dark?" asked my wife. I looked up from hiding my wallet and mobile and said "of course not."

"You aren't very romantic, are you," she sighed. "Bringing me into the mens toilet in the pub to have sex." "Not romantic?" I replied indignantly. "I brought a can of Febreze with me, didn't I?"

A glance over the shoulder, a flick of the hair and a lick of the lips can be the sexiest thing in the world. But according to my doctor, it's not appropriate during a rectal examination.

I love when birds talk filthy. Where's roops when you need her?

Luke, this stuff needs to be preserved for posterity. There's nowhere more appropriate than here, and bubbles is doing his level best as well. Oddly enough, I phoned my boss as well this morning to say I couldn't come in as I had to take my cat to the vet. "Pull the other one," he snapped, "why can't your wife do it?" I said "because it's not her cock it's stuck on."

My girlfriend thinks I'm stalking her. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I caught my neighbours as they were getting into their airport taxi, and gave their 12 year old daughter a 50 euro note. "Here you are sweetheart," I said. "A bit of extra spending money for your holiday." As she beamed and hugged me, her mother wiped away a tear and mumbled a thank you. Her dad clasped my arm and said "thanks mate, that's very kind of you, I really appreciate it." Nice couple, but they've got a lot to learn about grooming.

Know what DNA stands for? National Association of Dyslexics.

Have to say I'm surprised. I never had admin pegged as an afternoon drinker.