Decimus

You were talking self-indulgent shit yet again. Your endless tramping about around Romance Europe doesn't interest anyone anymore. Either change your act or indulge my contrived shit.

Frank, on weekends when I've had a couple, I often download popular dating app "Plenty of Fish". After a few glasses of prosecco and aperol, I copied and pasted the following to twenty different assorted chubby women: "I've told Charles and Eddie they don't need to keep asking. You really are the most beautiful girl in the world." Not only did I subsequently realise that the song was actually by Prince, I also didn't read the small print that the app recognises repeating messages as spam. My messaging function has been taken away, and I'm now trying my best to coax an erection whilst looking at Mrs. D's dimpled fat arse.

You know me, I don't like to get involved in any nastiness. All I'll say is look at Wizzo's parking nom.

All that matters is that after a week on a fictional Greek island I'm back in my rightful place.

Poor old, Baws, first Wizz now et tu Eavens?

In Big fat Al's defence, it makes a change from them fucking children.

If he wanted to get fucked by a whole myriad of aviation workers he just needs to book a flight with Ryanair.

It's a scary enough thought imagining him involved in consensual sexual acts, let alone forcing his five chins down onto some she-Jocks sporran whilst screaming "FREEEEEEDOMMMM".

Also, I doubt there's a chinaman on the planet who could pronounce his faith if he was indeed a "catholic".

He's not a savage. He at least buys them a steak dinner and a bottle of liebfraumilch before commencing grinding.

And I should know. My father-in-law is the premier Panda penis grinder in Norfolk.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/couple-desperate-baby-told-theyve-13130682 Aside from boiling dogs alive and eating anything with a pulse, the one thing you'd think that the chinks were good at would be filling the world with more mini-Maos to feed. Not the particular couple in the featured article above. After trying to conceive for four years, they went to a doctor to no doubt ask for some powdered Panda penis to rub on their genitals to help them out with their problem. However, after a cursory examination of the slits slit, it turned out that she was still a virgin. Apparently, she was getting pounded in the arsehole for four years and didn't realise. The husband has also claimed ignorance, although I'm dubious and suspect that he couldn't believe his luck that he was regularly allowed to spunk in her shit pipe with no questions asked.

I've emailed him and so far have only received his out of office reply: "Quincy is currently in HMP Barlinnie for crimes of a sexually deviant nature, and will not be back in the office until 3/09/2036.".

"Browns", cars, and the worst attempt to spell misogynism that you have and ever will ever see.

Who cares. Quincy's back.

Whilst I have absolutely no problem in believing that you're an agricultural labourer, I'm more than a little bit dubious that you know your left from right. I won't be losing any sleep

Potentially the beginnings of the most flaccid CC feud in history? I can't even begin to imagine who would have my support. Drew, you have home advantage, but I've always found your Pudsey bear antics highly suspicious. Stubby, no one can deny that you are thick as fucking pig shit, but you do possess a certain charm. My final verdict is that you should both delete your profiles and fuck off and never return.

I'd quite like to see Stubby strung up by his ponytail from a top floor balcony of a high rise tower block. I hope I'm right in assuming that he'd automatically get the shit kicked out of him for having long hair and a penchant for butterflys?

Oh, that makes me look a bit silly then, doesn't it? ...I genuinely thought that you were going to travel to a random Scottish city and start asking around if anyone knew a Cuntybaws. Good job you were on hand to point out that you weren't being serious, Fucking idiot.

I'm afraid to say the current craze in the music industry is for fat lounge singers a'la Adele or tinkling little poofters like Sam Smith. Execs want dreary, dirge like shit warbled out over the airwaves so teenage girls and middle aged housewives can appropriate it for themselves and apply the lyrics to their own tedious love affairs. The days of the guitar thrashers are over. Only the Arctic Monkeys have survived, more's the fucking pity.

Stubby, think about what you're saying. I highly doubt that the master of surveillance himself will be worried about your spasticated efforts to track him down. I for one don't hold much hope for your success as you shuffle around Glasgow screaming "BAWSEEYYYYY!!!!" like Sloth from the Goonies whilst repeatedly shitting and pissing yourself.

I imagine that his PC is some sort of monstrously bastardised contraption, formed with spare parts from hard drives and motherboards either picked up out of bins or acquired at dodgy carboot sales. Obviously dial up, with a customised manual choke that he has to pull frantically in order to increase the atrocious download speed of his GeoCities amateur dogging porn page. His one nod to the 21st century is a space age chair originally designed by NASA to resist the huge g-forces involved in leaving the Earth's atmosphere, but subsequently now utilised as the only structure in creation able to adequately support his fat fucking arse.

I'll tell you what I think. Something happened up north to a poor person. The location and the demographic of the victim automatically means that I couldn't give a flying fuck. Do something else.

Fucking hell, Drew. Have I been ghost writing for you whilst under the influence of drugs? Because I sure as shit can't remember giving you my material.

"So I come in from the pub with my arsehole in tatters (less fist next time, Stavros) and read this fucking shit. I don't know who you think you're kidding with this fantasist bollocks you muggy cunt, but no one is going to believe that you have a brother, you flash wanker. Snowflake's like you make me fucking sick, never worked a proper day in your lives yet you can afford brothers because you have a trust fund and are funded by corporate big business. Pull the other one, next you'll be telling us all that you've held a girl's hand, like you're some sort of Don Juan. Jackanory, jackanory." @judgetwi ™