Last Cunt Standing

Dying of embarrassment more like. Hope he’s had some intravenous courage.

Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say. See you next winter dear boy.

I had a Peshwari Naan with my Madras earlier Neil. Where do you stand on the bread sultana coconut combination?

Are you Melvyn Bragg? You’d be great on In Our Time.

ISIS definitely need to send a team to the upcoming Winter Olympics. Anyone who hasn’t seen their curling team in action is missing a trick; no one can sweep frantically in front of a sliding severed infidel head like Neva Bin-Fucked or Hal Al-Butcha. And judging by that caged Jordanian pilot, they are also quite useful with a flaming torch. Hell of an opening ceremony, that would be.

I find loitering round the Corner is a welcome boost to my self esteem, given that many of my fellow members seem to have missed a few millennia of evolution and seem content to post the equivalent of a few grunts and whistles. As for you, Edward, I imagine the only car part you are familiar with is the fucking Dunlop you swing from while eating a banana. Your avatar would seem to support this hypothesis. Go fuck yourself.

Still bashing away with the head wand on your BBC Micro I see my Simian friend. One of these days you might just come up with an original thought. Now get back to shoving sweet corn up your Japs eye and chewing your macroglossal tongue gleefully every time you think of a three letter rhyme for Ape. Fuckwit.

How the fuck do you know the first thing about me, you septic old Witch?

News from the pink Test...... The place looks half fucking empty. Everyone at the beach. Is it too much to hope for that Steve Smith falls on his wicket and gets a stump straight up his hole?

The receptionists usually have first dibs on this stuff, my lot are all post menopausal so had no use for the hundredweight of tampons donated by one rather odd punter. The Christmas Tree has never looked better, mind.

I imagine there’ll be a boom in Mustardmongers relocating to Cromer to catch crabs. Rough place is that.

Soham is in Cambridgeshire.

I can’t wait for Celebrity Norfuckers Delia Smith and Stephen Fry to weigh in on this, no doubt the biggest tragedy in East Anglia since the Soham Murders. I like whole grain mustard on my sandwich, not this yellow shit.

Bye then. Should have tried harder at school, you Cunt. Then you employ cleaners, not worry about which mop to use.

Keep it quiet, but I’m actually qualified in veterinary medicine, but bunged the bloke at my graduation a score and he got me a GMC number. Easy street ever since.... People will do anything when they clock your white coat. Stanley Milgram was a cunt.

Well, thanks for playing Bertie, but unsurprisingly for a total fuckwit, you have failed to solve the puzzle. “Cooler” was the answer. Now you fuck off back to your job in the retard bin and I’ll take Jenny Powell back to my dressing room with a crate of Cadbury’s fingers.

I hate the Sydney test for many reasons. Usually because all hope is gone of a victory, the remnants of a shattered England side are usually no longer even entertaining unless they are Ronnie Irani, I’ve lost my taste for VB, blown my budget on seafood at Doyles, and have to give some thought to the impending ride home to winter in the English NHS. These days though, it’s this load of cock; http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-01-02/glenn-mcgrath-raising-the-bar-for-10th-pink-test-at-the-scg/9298990 I hate the sight of the Barmy Army having to be nice to that Arch Cunt McGrath for even one day. In fact I rather suspect she faked her own death to escape the cunt droning on about the day he took 8-41 against Northants during intercourse. Day three at the SCG is a day to spend on the beach. The Pink Test is something entirely different where I’m from.

Let’s play Wheel of Fortune, Neil. C**ler. Care to buy a vowel?

Fair point.

I intend to reanimate the stuffed Owl and train it to dish out antibiotics at random to every even numbered snotty child next year. Save me a job.

A visionary, gone too soon. Just like his patients.

We are quite good at dishing out Azithromycin to middle aged men just back from Bangkok to visit their nieces, Baws. Presumably you’re in favour of that?

Amen to that Manky. Round my way the middle class Boomers knock their 250 winter fuel allowance out on EasyJet flights to Tenerife, courtesy of the tax payer. A giant waste of time and money.

We got some real shit this year, gyps. Even the bottle of port was from fucking Asda. Austerity is at last biting rural England in the arse. I got a taxidermied Owl this year from one patient. Not sure what’s the message.

This has got to be the Cunt du jour, really hasn't it? That old well-tested cliche, beloved of lazy journalists the land over, rears its ugly head again this January. As sure as a child's tears on Boxing Day, you'll find angst-ridden punters on their way into A&E harangued on the pavement by BBC types about their reason for attending and the coming meltdown of the NHS. Then shots of ambulances all parked up while the men in green overalls have some elevenses. Cut to a sea of geriatrics on trolleys looking haunted and earnest Nurses fiddling with their bags of Hartmanns and IV lines. And finally, some Oxbridge Tory snake pops up giving it plenty about how marvellous it is the NHS is staffed by dedicated people who bust an unpaid gut to help others in the most difficult of unforeseen circumstances, while at the same time strangling the very service they praise with death by underfunding. A thousand and one talking heads pop up, hydra-like to denounce the problems; Immigration! Austerity! PFI! Social Care! Australian Flu! Lazy GPs! I've seen this shit every winter my entire career (nearly done thank Christ) and its now just boring. The tsunami of viral symptoms, snot, and coughs that "just won't shift even though i've tried everything" is so entirely predictable that in my surgery we even keep a tally chart in the tea room of how many viral coughs and colds we've seen this week. It goes up every Christmas with the decorations, and a bottle of fizz goes to King or Queen of snot announced on Valentines day. When will people ever fucking learn? Take a fucking holiday in January, somewhere far away and hot. If you don't, be prepared to run the risk of a cold. If you are unlucky and catch one, there's pretty much fuck all the medical profession can do for you most of the time, and you'll end up being on their wanker list if you bang the table and cry if you don't get antibiotics in an act of pacification. The NHS is dying, can barely cope with normal levels of demand - you turning up in your jim-jams and Superman duvet 'cos you've run out Lemsip makes you not only a right Cunt, it might as well be a knife through the heart of this 70-year old monolith. So overwhelmed are the A&E departments with grown adults with a touch of the sniffles, that the entire hospital goes into Operation Omnishambles; all elective work is cancelled and the Consultant Orthopaedic Surgeons and Ophthalmologists get to resume their annual inter-departmental office chair races around the operating theatres on 100k a year plus each. My punters moan on at me that there's a 2 year wait for their cataracts and so the circle continues forever and ever... Fucked from apex to fundus. I think we should start over. LOL Fuck off.