Last Cunt Standing

What I want to know is Billy, when we get round to marching season and assuming we are still flattening the curve, are the Orange Lodge all going to go out separately and call their little stride along the Shankill a daily act of exercise? And how will the Apprentice Boys get through a full cycle of The Sash My Father Wore while remaining 2m apart? Has it even been discussed?

Well no. It’s got that Miranda creature in it, hasn’t it? That fugly bint has killed more erections than diabetes.

Nah. The only thing I ever got off a nurse was a filthy look over the notes trolley when I asked her why her bedsheets at home didn’t have hospital corners. Midwives, on the other hand, bang like Chinese fireworks and smile sweetly afterwards. Filth. They spend so long around women on their backs panting it completely skews their idea of normal.

Have they reactivated your NMC pin and shoved you back into hospital yet then?

No, well I imagine it was a little more difficult back then, what with you carrying a lamp as you scuttled between beds in the Crimea while trying not to trip over your hooped skirt.

Did a junior doctor ever offer you a TUBE without being TTFO?

Seems from the picture her fanny is still hungry. I’m sure Rooney would bang it back in for her, he’s a magician with a shelf pessary.

Having seen the arse on it Neil I’d be worried for your rear axle. I’m sure her parents are proud.

Well, why not. The Corner could use another reactionary fruitcake and armchair general who spends his time spouting off to no one in particular. I suppose now the pubs are closed we should expect more of your type, propping up the metaphorical bar in a Primark cardigan, coppering up for his next pint of cloudy water with an inevitable micro brewing story attached. If you could just hurry through the usual litany of grunting arsehole targets, blacks, muslims, gays, fat people, the disabled, the poor, the EU, young people and anyone left of Himmler then we’d all be very grateful, given that will probably mean you are nearer the exit via the obligatory nonce allegation spree and cooler holiday. Make yourself at home then you fucking clagnut.

Rattled.

A few years back when a certain Countdown presenting rear of the year winner developed a fascination for The Red Arrows, it was apparently the case that the Scampton Officers Mess came to be known as CeeVees, given that most of the pilots claimed to have spent several pleasant evenings inside and often ended the night on their backs with their trousers missing. It all ended in tears when after a night on the ale some uncouth RAF Regiment fellow videoed himself hanging out of the back doors and jokingly tried to flog the video to The Sun. None of this is true, obviously.

It’s always vicarious living with you, isn’t it? Be it Argentine bombs or Berkshire Breweries, you can guarantee you’ve got a secondhand story you can chip in with. Is your dad bigger than my dad, is he? Seriously you fucking knobhead, sell your cheap flag-waving come-on-Tim patriotism somewhere else, you’ve only been here five fucking minutes and I imagine most have already decided they’d rather spend time with the bits they cut off Simon Weston’s face. You’ll find a few more receptive customers for your jingoistic bullshit on here, but I’d much rather you just fucked off and died in a hedgerow somewhere, there’s enough evidence of the descent of man about these days without having to waste time on someone who I suspect still counts on his fingers at the ATM. Fuck the fuck off.

Big fan of The Dambusters, Eric? It must have crossed your mind... I’m told they moved Gibson’s dog grave to a discrete location behind the mess building at RAF Scampton a few years back when a rather more liberal Station Commander was appointed. I’m sure if Manky we’re still here he’d know the detail. I miss that grumpy old cunt. Excellent Pub, The Dambusters in Scampton Village, if you’re ever in the area in normal times. https://www.dambustersinn.co.uk

You’re a programme, Eric.

Natalie Carr gets more Aussie men hard than rigor mortis. Quick Q SC, the wife is trying to get me to devote some of our lockdown viewing to the entire series of Superwog. Does it get better? The first episode was underwhelming.

That poor cat. They clearly see things differently in South Australia. Particularly with certain, ahem, exemptions. Here’s a story you may have missed that’ll really warm the cockles. https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-10-03/sa-police-officer-throws-rocks-at-wombat-in-video/11570502

You’ll be glad to know there’s already talk of a re-release of You’ll Never Walk Alone, sung by the squad into TikTok then cobbled together for charity release. Half of them will have to be told unlike most times they perform into their iPad there is no need to masturbate furiously. What’s your take on the Kyle Walker sex party story Neil? Have you seen pictures of the £2k brass involved? Marks out of ten?

Your mordancy might be mistaken for superciliousness by the more sophomoric Cunts.

Are you flirting with me? I’m not dressing up as a huntsman so you can chase me round the garden. Besides, I get a feeling you’d neglect the balls, you strike me as a very shaft-centric type.

Ah, the mistakable firm swish o’the Cat teamed with the cold hard logic that made the Mensa Magazine problem page a huge hit with Savant virgins everywhere. Thanks for your invaluable contribution, but surely I’m keeping you from finishing that MBA dissertation cobbled together from overheard shit, sorry insider details, in a Paternoster Square coffee house. This Trucking Funt chancer clearly couldn’t find his arse with both hands and you know it.

Quite, though donkeys are vertebrates and thus overqualified for Cabinet positions.

5 months observation and talking to staff in the canteen, gosh I’m in awe. Is that the full NVQ or just the Shitty and Guilds? I held a retractor at a heart transplant once, but didn’t realise that makes me Christian Barnard (look him up). Imbecile.

No, I fucking wouldn’t. No conscript has died in defence of the UK in decades. Those that have died in conflict in recent memory joined the armed forces freely and were paid employees. These people you wish to commemorate annually, with a large parade and a strictly enforced public wearing of the poppy as a patriotism test. Five brown doctors (and several more nurses) die fighting a new contagious disease and your reaction to the public showing their appreciation is, to paraphrase “fuck them, they were getting well paid and knew what they signed up for”. I think we can all see the reason for your cognitive inconsistency, other than being thick as week old mince. To be clear, you don’t have to come out of your hovel and clap like a seal, and I’m sure your long suffering neighbours would rather you didn’t, but if you do you might have more luck when you do your pathetic annual jumble sale to raise £24.50 for Help The Sodding Heroes. While you stand clapping, perhaps reflect, in so far as cognitive dissonance permits, on the fact that many NHS staff are themselves veterans. The best A&E Charge Nurse I ever knew started his career as a combat medic and saw action in The Falklands and Gulf War One. He was also a Unite Shop Steward and later Labour Councillor. He’d have squashed you like a fucking maggot you utter gobshite.

I don’t quite follow how some grease monkey who once worked on a truck acquired a comprehensive knowledge of the process involved in the manufacture of the trucks contents. Does this follow for everything? Tanker maintenance makes you a fucking petrochemist, does it? If knowledge is acquired simply by close proximity, I’ll be sure and tell my Gynaecologist friends, who by extension can write off lap dances as education and thus tax exempt.

On reflection you are clearly entirely correct and I am crushed by the weight of your argument. If I may just make one slight suggestion; that you read through my post once again and see if you and your formidable intellect can find what I might humbly call “the point”. It might take a while so I suggest you take sandwiches. Once you finish that, might you consider whether my edited version of your mighty thesis would to some people be just as valid.