Last Cunt Standing

Regular Corner contributors may recall back in 2021 I posted a knotty problem involving illicit use of swimming pools by minors. The mysterious case of the wet footprints led to some interesting debate before it degenerated into a nonce hunt and was ultimately locked by the RoopsFuhrer. Today Western Australia is convulsed with the story of three children found using a neighbour’s pool without permission who were promptly lashed together with cable ties to await Police. The detaining cable-tier has been charged with assault and there is much talk in the town of Broome about keeping the peace. Interested to know what the wise heads of The Corner would make of it all. https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2024/mar/06/western-australia-children-allegedly-cable-ties-broome-man-charged-assault?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

……..and now the MoD have taken a break from cutting holes in Destroyers to replace year-old engines, and firing Trident missiles at themselves, to incur the wrath of Kensington Palace by announcing then retracting Katie’s attendance at Trooping the Colour in…June. So that’ll be six months out of action for spurious medical reasons then. At what point do the Fleet Street Hacks of old get their shoulders to the wheel and dish the dirt? What the fuck is going on?

So there’s a picture on the internet ostensibly showing Katie wearing comedy sunglasses in the passenger seat of an Audi being driven by her mother through Windsor Great Park to do the school run. It’s taken from the international space station it seems, it’s grainy as fuck, but even that can’t hide the puffy face, the peculiarly absent mole, and the fixed expression. Curiously I’m told it is absent from the British media. This story gets darker by the day. It’s going to be a long time before we see her cutting ribbons again. If ever.

Returning to OP for a moment, I gather The Queen is planning to take a holiday abroad to recover from about two weeks of “work” and leaving her husband supposedly on chemo behind to chat to his begonias. This leaves zero Big 4 Royals on duty. Nowt in the Court Circular since 29th Feb. Katie now entering week ten of radio silence. By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Today’s theory round the Cafe table? Putin’s done her in. Novichoked into a coma and threatened the rest of the clan if they don’t stop the bullets for Kiev.

68 days and counting today since the old stick was seen in public. Can we all agree that this gets more suspicious by the day? These days people are back at work the week after a hemicolectomy. Ten weeks implies something much more serious.

Todays theory over the BBQ is that by sheer coincidence she is a bone marrow match for Charlie, who has myeloma, so they’ve gone in with the big needle and she’s deflated like that young girl on Airplane. Or, in an attempt to save her ailing marriage, she’s had an AI pegging harness grafted to her but the tumescence setting is broken and she can’t support the weight of the enormous dildo.

New details emerging here include the fact that the accused, a serving policeman (possibly the one from the Village People), shot his ex boyfriend and his new bumboy with (allegedly) his service weapon (make your own jokes), before (allegedly) moving the bodies in bags used for surfboards. It is quite the distraction from wondering where Kate Middleton is.

He missed the funeral of his Godfather for this supposed personal matter, just in case anyone is keeping score. I’m telling you, there is something very bad going on up there. Kate aside, has anyone seen the three kids lately? Or The Middletons? The famed British Press need to rediscover their balls.

I can assure you lots of us in Australia haven’t heard of the cunts either. For me the most amusing bit of the story is that NSW Police have been banned from marching in the Sydney Mardi Gras because the ABCDEFG community is so affronted by the perceived homophobia (or incompetence) in the investigation to the homo-murder.

Eric, me and some mates at the cafe this morning were debating which ISIS video death method we’d all choose if we had to. Options were; kneeling live beheading with a paring knife, drowning in a cage dipped slowly into a swimming pool, blown up with an RPG locked inside a 1997 Toyota, burnt alive in a metal cage with petrol, hung from the slowly rising jib of a crane. You strike me as the sort who will have an opinion here. Please rank them, 1-5.

It’s all bollocks Killer as I’m sure you’ve worked by now. Unless I see her buffalo hump and abdominal striae myself I’m thinking it’s more Pizza and Chocolate than her fucking adrenals. Watch for the coming advert for Ozempic and inevitable “Amy: My Food Hell” tabloid. It’d be like shagging a beanbag.

No, that’s Amy Fucking Schumer apparently. Definitely not cake, it’s cortisol. Right? Even unfunny American moon faced lardarses pop up on the telly from time to time. Not Kate. Spanish TV report she’s in a coma. She was previously dressed, washed and hair done 3 hours after pushing an eight pounder out of her fanny and pushed onto camera. Whatever has gone on here she can’t be seen in public, even from a distance in the back of a speeding SUV. And the ambulance seen leaving Sandringham on 28/12? Not a word…. It’s a nasty business in that family. I imagine there’s a wave of NDAs and Official Secrets Acts being passed around bits of London as we speak.

The evening news tonight here featured a short item on pictures released of His Majesty King Brian opening cards from well wishers and gurning away over his red Ministerial box, letting the taxpayers know that despite a cancer diagnosis he was still hard at work. Contrast this with the now 63 days of absence from the HRH Katie, who has now so deviated from the traditional Royal illness playbook that we haven’t even got a standard shot of her recovering on the sofa under a Harrods Duvet with an Ovaltine while the kids play at her feet. And not a word from the supine media, usually faster out of the investigative blocks than Ben Johnson. Something very very dark is going on here. Is it time to ask for proof of life?

Your womenfolk have gotten badly out of hand Panz. I see footage this morning of your ladies football team ceremonially turning their backs during the Israeli national anthem. Now leaving aside the obvious rejoinder from @Decimus about the danger of turning your back on the Jews, what the fuck has gotten into this bunch of ginger lesbians that they want to advertise their sympathy with the Palestinians? They are presumably aware what your average Palestinian male would do to a lesbian in a football kit? It isn’t convert them, that’s for sure. You need to bring back the convents for these lost bitches. Pronto.

You’re using her instead of an RSJ, aren’t you, you fucking Cowboy?

I would just like to point out that the Princess of Wales has not been seen in public for 61 days. Unprecedented. Stinks to high heaven.

How do you tell a Koala from a Geordie lass? One’s hairy, riddled with clap, craps in public and sleeps all day, the other eats eucalyptus leaves and lives up trees. Ba-dum. Here all week, try the fish etc…

How about a Catholic IRA-apologist woman as the First Minister of Ulster? What is it the Chinese say? May you live in interesting times. Damn right.

Salisbury is in Wiltshire you utter, utter moron.

Covid was a pretty benign experience for us in the Hermit Kingdom, Bill. Our lockdown was measured in hours, and I’m quite used to not having a reason to go out. I binged The Sopranos and Better Call Saul, and - no pun intended - ate a fruitcake. If that’s a global health emergency, sign me up for another.

Do we know what the fat cunt died of yet?

Last time I was in London I walked past an enormous wall next to the Thames, festooned with hearts of people lost while your leader got pissed with his mates and let nurses wear bin bags to work. Here in WA, we have no such wall. I know which I’d prefer.

In what?

I’m working my way through the latest Sunderland Till I Die on Netflix, Killer, and must say your ending would be quite the plot twist. I suspect if you told the red and white idiots they’d be guaranteed promotion if they retook Donetsk, you’d have a battalion of fat pricks on mobility scooters heading for Dover before you can say “Niall Quinn fucked us, man”.

Say it in a Churchill voice, Bill. You know you want to. I don’t mean the dog.