Goober

Quite possibly. Unfortunately, fannies don't come with instruction books (not that I'd read them, being a bloke) so mistakes happen.

Iguana? Amphibian? It's just getting silly now.

Without wishing to be immodest, I've been up a few fannies.

Small mammal? Are you sure you're an ecologist? Pick any former polytechnic, get some women's rights group involved and they'll be throwing money at you. Women's bits as amphibian habitats, game on. It's more interesting than the usual yeast stories.

Don't big yourself up, you've not evolved that far yet.

Could to be feasible. It's damp, warm and humid. If Barking Toads are possible, beef curtain palmates is a go. I can see a 25K a year grant in this for you, Pecker. Pick your 'habitats' well and you're on a winner, even if the science is shit.

Peep hole in the bog seat? Wouldn't that require you to have your head in the shitter? I'll just assume you were looking for something to eat.

Goes without saying, Ape. I wouldn't believe the cunt if he claimed he had two legs.

Why? I can see that might be offensive if she's Jewish... Would mutton be OK?

Let's assume this is true for a moment. How many hidden cameras did you install in the bathroom and his bedroom and has he sexually assaulted your dog yet?

Still, better than sniffing bacon in his wife's knickers.

I can report that he arrived, bang on schedule. After being shown to his new room, he absconded the same night and subsequently sent an email saying there's no fucking way he'll live in a shithole like Liverpool. He's making his way back to Mariupol.

I do hope you've not been drinking at The Cock.

We used to have some crusty jugglers around here. Not sure what happened to them...

It's verging on a religion in my village. No cunt, not even the judges, understands the rules, but that matters not. Needless to say, if you're unable to compete after 8 pints, you're worse than a fucking amateur. I think that bath chair bound, alcoholic cunt, Drew, may have been coaching the Suffolk team this year, which strikes me as an unfair advantage.

I regret to report, Decs, that our retarded southern cousins triumphed at this year's Norfolk vs Suffolk Dwile Flonking event. Following this humiliation, the Norfolk team has redoubled efforts to reclaim the crown next year. They've upped training effort and are now downing 14 pints every weekend.

As an added bonus, Stubby, their knickers are so wet you can nurse injured newts back to health in them.

Fucking hell. Two maths problems in two posts. What are the chances of that? Oh... That's three in three.

Bill, I've a maths problem that I hope you can help me with. The boot capacity of an imaginary M4 is 368.19 litres. How many 6ft Norwegian Spruces can you transfer to a container in an Asda car park in one night if you're stealing the trees from a forest 37 miles away and traffic conditions allow an average speed of 52.228 miles per hour?

Quite right. Teacher sets Algebra homework. Eat lead motherfucker! Prefectly reasonable, for a Septic.

King Billy apologises to all mentally stable Americans (aka Democratic Party voters) for promoting a presidential candidate that's even more deranged than he is. Gullible twat.

You've accidently hit on the solution here, RK. Arm all the kids with Heckler and Koch semi automatic pistols. 30 x 7 year old kids in a room, each with a 10 shot, 9mm, semi automatic pistol sounds like a reasonably balanced fight against a single lunatic with an automatic rifle. What could possible go wrong?

I recall reading that shootings in US schools have been running at about one every two weeks in recent years, although few on the scale of a couple of days ago. Arming teachers is a fucking stupid idea. Are schools going to keep an assault rifle in every stationary cupboard in every classroom, or will they just arm teachers with handguns? A handgun vs a AR18 isn't even a fight. Training teachers to shoot paper targets on a range is one thing, but what happens when they are faced with something that shoots back? They're going to shit themselves and start spraying bullets in all directions, most likely taking out a few kids themselves and saving the the sick fuck perpetrating the attack a few rounds. The Republican's continued defence of the 2nd amendment is a joke. How a country that backward became the world's superpower is, frankly, astonishing.

@Witheredscrote stop face fucking big Lezza, or whatever her name is, and stick to gander molestation.