Dear Mr Cock,
I must apologise that our system was down when you called earlier, but hopefully our Best of Barry Manilow hold music put a smile on your face while you waited? Having now consulted our customer database I can advise you that we are unable to do anything to improve your credit rating, as I'm afraid that those sorts of criminal convictions are permanent.
Furthermore, while we all had a good laugh at the picture you sent us of your genitals, I further regret to inform you that you are not eligible for PPI compensation simply because of their unfortunate shape. Sadly, you need to actually have an account with us, rather than a genetic defect, and despite your assertions otherwise PPI does not actually stand for anything to do with penis inadequacy.
Yours etc....