Jiggerycock

You can have sex with something other than your hand???! ENLIGHTENMENT!!!

Is that Manc for foreplay?

Not even to try and convert her from the ways of lesbianosity with some of your Harpurhey charm and Prestwich insouciance? Regard it as a challenge man!

Yes and then you would have to concentrate on giving succinct and interesting answers instead of indulging your MASSIVE libido, you randy old stoat.

Apparently his chat up line was: "What do female cricketers call the 'box'" "A manhole cover"

Thanks - do you think it might win me the Turner Prize?

The punters - insofar as I could see much of them through the red mist - were a pretty 'run-of-the-mill' bunch. I was expecting cravats, horn rimmed glasses and black roll neck sweaters a go-go but the attire betrayed no sign of the cuntishness of the attendees. Maybe they were all secretly as pissed off as I was, got outside and went 'what the fuck was that all about then?' and went home

Grew up on an estate, living on state handouts. Leave the man alone!

....or the one where you're thinking 'Nude woman, nude woman, nude woman, NUDE WOMAN........ADOLF HITLER!!! And the sperm shoots out, does a U-Turn and flies straight back up your old chap.

Went to this monument to wank yesterday and I really did try to keep an open mind However, 'Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here yesterday'. There's the installations, which are by rote, laughable (Exhibit A: monochrome paintings. Have a guess what that involves? A single colour on a canvas you say? Correct! Go to matron for an extra bit of tuck!), simplistic, worthless and ultimately, annoying. But this pales into insignificance when one reads the blurb accompanying them! Open the thesaurus at 'pretentious' and keep reading! "Achromes were intended to banish narrative content from his work and explore the concept of ‘nothingness’" "This tension may be embodied in a coiled energy, or emerge from a careful process of accumulation" " the concern was with an existential ‘being in the world’, a heightened awareness of the separateness of experience. This sense of isolation implied a questioning of the wider community. In the highly polarised atmosphere of the Cold War, it was a potentially subversive threat to social cohesion" I understand what these words mean - just not the way they bump up against each other used in the way they are above. Yet millions of pounds are spent indulging the purveyors of this tripe and one is made to feel so pathetically 'outside' the inner circle of chin-stroking wankers that get off on this collective delusional deception that all of this has any value and meaning. The cunts would probably enjoy the fact the only emotion I felt after two hours of this shit was intense burning anger. As a postscript, my family and I walked over the Millennium Bridge to St Pauls Cathedral. There was a service on and, as you may have gathered, I know dick about religion. However, sitting there, listing to the choir and the organ, gazing up into the beautiful dome and the representations that real artists had created to their notion of a greater glory, I would go with this 'art' in a heartbeat over the offal on display a mile away on the South Bank.

Please donate a jar to your local prostitute who always seem grateful to learn about the better things in life. .....and will that absolutely guarantee me giving her one up the old dirt road?

Is the answer 'to keep you in wanking fodder?' Anyway, if you believe half the fucking 'experts' posting in forums the Internet over, every sport is riddled with steroid-amped goons with biceps the size of Somerset - including synchronized swimming and that horsey 'Come Dancing eisteddfod' we won Olympic medals at.

Just woke to the sad news that Lemmy has died. I was all set to see the band in January and pass the 'louder than everything else' rock 'n' roll torch onto my nephew - but I suppose that's not going to happen now. Chuck Norris only got given that name because 'Lemmy' was already taken. ... RIP Lemmy. Killed By Death. Thanks for everything (in excess).

If only the same could be said of Prof B's dialysis machine - that'd survive the three day week and a nuclear winter, resolutely failing to switch off, whilst every I-Pad, PC and ultra-essential Nespresso coffee maker has long since given up the ghost.

I genuinely did read the title as 'Cock' and envisioned a long rambling discourse about exotic wanking styles.

Or those who can anticipate (there's a big fucking queue on the inside line. The outside lane is empty - prithee, could it be - a wild stab in the dark here - the OUTSIDE LADE IS CONED OFF???!!!) but blithely saunter on their own sweet way, because they are elite persons, who know no rules, take no prisoners and will insert themselves into your lane, right in front of you, like a gay rape.

And on Wall Street today, the Dow suffered a traumatic head wound when the Matebele Gumbobee took a dive by 30 points leaving it flappy against the resurgent Andalusian Oaf.

I feel your pain - had one the other night Small child two-tables down, conducting her dialogue (well, monologue) at Krakatoa volumes. The parents are clearly labouring under the apprehansion that Pixie Frou-Frou's stream of conciousness should not be interrupted, lest this disturb her finely tempered modality. Restarant staff however should be aware that ear-splittingly noisy children do not for restful ambience make - and have a word with said parents about the junior Motorhead gig they have spawned.

"Patient coming in from an RTA, Bloods are 80/20, SATS are 35%, going is good to firm" "Okay, cross match for some hep cat boogie and pliers. Watch for corollary distillation. On the count of three - ah one, two, ah one two three four! CLEAR!" Casualty is the worst offender but does anyone know what the fuck the shipping forecast is all about? "Lundy, Fastnet, Blackpool Pier. 30 foot Queenie. Tumescent, Falling Slowly", intoned with all the pompous portentousness of a Garth Crooks interview. What a load of cock!

Still, at least the mystery of where Shergar ended up, has been solved.

Giving a poor hand job to The Invisible Man

If you twats could get over your collective pose regarding football, there's a tale here that would keep even the most sanguine CC'er in bile and invective for the whole of 2016. Money. Pride. Crass arrogance. A complete bloody nest of backstabbing vipers (to mix metaphors) and a bunch of fans whose IQ's rise 10 points when they tread in a pile of dogshit.

I thought 'bent senior manager, known to take backhanders' was the first tick box on the application form personally.

Bastards! If they're not mowing down our youth at Death Metal gigs, they're fucking around with our crypto-security and now this! Does their depravity know no limits?