Jiggerycock

​Unfortunately she gnawed off one of her legs and the duct tape and hopped over the compound wire one night when the tower guards were drunk, never to be seen again - so no there isn't I'm afraid.

​It's a conundrum and no mistake. On the one hand, you have to condemn without reservation the cowardly murderers of the ISIS ranks. Then again, if they ever did manage to take out Sam Smith.....

What, in the name of buggery-fuck, happened there? I feel I have been on a long journey and drifted into 'the arena of the unwell'

dentist (noun) a person who extracts money from your wallet, whilst purportedly extracting teeth from your gob

I keep chickens. When the Dystopian Future comes crashing down it'll just be me, my four chickens, a shedload of eggs ........and Brony banging on my door desperate to try and fuck one of my Rhode Island Reds. .......but I'll not let him.

£67,000 plus expenses is a fucking healthy whack, even in Punkape's fantasy world. I've grafted all my life and have therefore the requisite life experience everyone seems to demand (as opposed to the careerist politicians they have running the show now). I'm a mouthy gobshite who loves cunting off about stuff I haven't a blind bit of knowledge of. How do I get the gig?

One of the many charlatans on TV who can make a small fortune - by starting out with a large one via an 'Emperors New Clothes' design wankathon, It's never 'Laurence Does Llanelli' is it, where a 19 stone truck-driver and his brick-thick wife want a new aertex ceiling 'cos the present one's turned amber with the grease from the chip pan'? Always some desperately chi-chi pastel-coloured idyll where Laurence can waffle his sweet bullshit right up the fundament of high net worth Hackett-wearing types whose wives go in for a lot of 'me' time like the other-worldly shit-for-brains they are.

This posting is totally lacking in granularity

I thought this was the long-awaited Stevie fucking Wonder nomination..... ...but it wasn't.... ....you hopeless cunts.

1. Reducing 2. everything of worth and importance 3. down to 4. another 5. turdy, fucking 6. list 7 .... 8 .............. 9. ..................... 10. The bit where Del Boy falls through the counter.

The Sun will always rise. The world will always turn. An update will always be available for Windows and Adobe Acrobat.

You're onto something here, that's for sure. If I could turn back time (see what I did there?) I'd have a word with Joni Mitchell and tell her to drop that fucking 'faux-bass voice-segue-into-stupid-cackle' bit she does in the final chorus of 'Big Yellow Taxi' Proper gets on my tits that does.

Well, yes...that and the S&M look in fetishwear.

To quote the much-missed Applescruff - it's a cuntfest. More. it's a cuntfest that can't decide what it wants to be. Channeling the ghost of the old Nationwide with 'skateboarding ducks' a-plenty, it'll then career off into 'That's Life' consumer protection territory. However it's real soul is in Comedy. They have a 'sleb on every night - as usual, there to promote their latest book / film / genital piercing. Mostly 'H' listers and below but occasionally they'll turn up a real superstar whose agent has lost the plot and booked them onto this farce. The 'sleb has to sit there throughout the entire show, and offer up faux interest in whatever shoite is being shovelled at the viewers that evening. However, the real hilarity ensues when said 'Sleb has to comment on said shoite which leads to all manner of great conversational cameos, viz: "So, Robert de Niro, what do you think about Female Genital Mutilation among sub-Saharan tribeswomen then?" "We've got Gene Simmonds with us tonight. You must have an opinion on the demise of Phones-4-U and the monopoly position it seems to confer on The Carphone Warehouse?" If that doesn't make you laugh, you're dead already

Naw, Modric is a good guy. Trains hard. Loves his mother. Now if it'd been Andy Carroll he'd have had your oil tank, the lead off your roof and the daisies from your garden. Any more pikey and he's be flogging you lucky heather and putting a curse on you.

The news isn't what happens - it's what gets reported

Modric. Fuck me this is turning into a Spurs love-in!

....in a friendly....against an England team featuring Carl Jenkinson, Ryan Shawcross, Tom Huddlestone, Steven Caulker and Leon Osman Also, Jack Wilshire, who ran him close for 'most over-rated player on the pitch' award

The most over-rated player of his generation (that includes Wayne Rooney).

Egypt now on the Anti-ISIS 'Sunshine Variety Bus Tour' Welcome. I wonder if ISIS has thought about opening up on North Korea? Now there's a slamdown that'd be worth watching on pay-per-view!

It's the Guy Garvey effect. Some blob of a 'Joe Everyman' banging out heartfelt missives to the greboes the crusties and the goths from behind a beard the Taleban would thin was a bit 'showy'. But whilst Elbow can produce something majestic and wonderful, 'Provincial Greasebal Plank Spanker' may as well have a sign up saying 'Visionary Poet - PLEASE FUCK ME!!!' So desperate is he to get laid. You catching any of this Brony?

Hairy Red-knaupps

I think 'The Cap' NOT fitting was the whole fucking issue here.

Indeed....'Question of Spurt'; that's another one, along similar lines

We've had 'Benefits Street' on Channel Four. When can we expect 'Tax Evasion Boulevard'?