nocti

One of the only films I've ever walked out of before it had finished. Complete and utter pile of fucking wank. It was my girlfriend at the time's idea to go see it, the stupid bitch.

I hope they leave The Prisoner well alone, the cunts.

Fuck me. I've always thought of Spot as being that very person, showing the power of the avatar I guess. No offe... not being funny Spot, I imagine you're younger, more attractive, and hopefully still alive of course.

"Some of my best friends are... " is also the preface to something that will no doubt be utter fucking bollocks. See also "Nothing against [minority] but..." Lenny Henry is a fucking cunt.

She's correct that it's natural, but so is pissing and shitting, but watch all the bollocking I get when I choose to run a marathon in my favourite home-made clingfilm underpants, hungover to fuck from the all you can eat and drink lock-in down the Royal Benghal the night before. It's hypocrisy taken to stellar levels.

Absolutely Decs. Good old Lenny "I'm Black Don't You Know" Henry. Playing the race card to the point where it's as old and fucking tattered as his jokes, no doubt the result of a sense of humour lost by years of living in Dawn French's shadow. Literally.

Ever since two of these 24 carat cunts flew into my ear as a kid, and stung all kinds of fuck out of it, my hatred for these fuckers knows no bounds, and is expanding faster and farther than the universe itself. Probably. I don't give a fuck if they pollenate, albeit far shitter than bees, or even that they kill crop-eaters, they can fuck right off and take hornets with them. And scorpions.

Perhaps I'm being slightly naive, but is there some kind of wordplay or double entendre going on here?

Cunt sounds like he pops in and out of an alternate universe where helium is breathed rather than oxygen. Sure he can play piano, but so could a constantly pissed death-dodging hag at my old local, but she didn't have to prove it to everyone by making a programme that showcased shit Indie bands, and the odd interesting "world" artist. My mother in law went to one of his new years hootenanny things, and hasn't shut the fuck about it since, thinking she is now part of some elite club. I'd like to take a club to her fucking head.

Baby would still get it. Wait, let me re-phrase that...

It's not just the poachers that are cunts. But don't worry, 10% goes towards a Zimbabwean wildlife preservation fund. How thoughtful. I'm sure it's the thought that counts and not the other 90%. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/mobile-phones/11776821/Honour-Cecil-the-lion-with-a-gold-plated-engraved-HTC-One-M9-yours-for-24000.html

Always in some kind of war or fighting amongst themselves, these cunts. What they could do with is some kind of religion of peace.

Mrs Nocti absolutely loves this shower of shit. The applicants are supposedly unsung champions of their respective communities, yet if you were to crack their heads open (I'd fucking love to), Shithead Sugar's boardroom would be littered with IOUs for brain cells. Amstrad is a cunt.

Which one of you cunts is this fucking cunt?

Don't forget Bruce Lee.

Now, this is just an open invitation to share my favourite George Michael joke which is very similar. What do George Michael and a welly have in common? They both get sucked off in bogs.

Well, there we go I won't say "my point exactly" because it kind of isn't, but fucking hell, come on...

We are constantly told to give the supermarkets a miss and go straight to the source, or to local shops and farms that sell their wares. Only thing is, there seems to be a recent craze of anything that isn't GM or chock full of sugar/salt to be labeled as "artisan" and painstakingly grown/created, forcing people to say actually no, fuck off, that's quarter the price at Sainsburys you pretentious cunts. I'm all for championing the independent shops, farmers, etc, but throw yourself a bone by not tunnelling into your own arse and charging bullshit prices for what quite frankly you'd have got fuck all for before the big wigs came along. Breweries fall into this too. Brewdog label themselves as "a punk brewery", despite being almost as commercially motivated as fucking Apple. Fuck off.

Second girl I ever lobbed one up was of Greek descent. Fucking stunning she was. I was a bit of a twat and wanted to play the field a bit otherwise I could've landed that. One of few regrets I have, but don't tell my wife.

At last, a voice of reason.

There's a joke about fish embedded here somewhere, but I'm having an absolute cuntwhore of a day and can't be arsed to find it.

That safe as houses comedian John Oliver is now fucking huge over in the states, apparently because Ricky Gervais tipped him to TV execs over there, even though the fame-feeding fuckwit has never met him, or apparently even seen much of his material. Obviously a few quid in that somewhere. I've not took the time to watch his US show, but he's had a few appearances on Mock The Week, and the short bursts I've seen of him have been akin to Michael McIntyre without the shaky head and dumb voices. In short: shit.

I'm not exactly sure myself, Wiz. Morbid fascination kept me awake I reckon.

...

Okay, I'm salivating now you bastards. If I didn't know any better I'd say you lot were multi-IDs of a fucking Italian restaurant owner.