Last Cunt Standing

On 26/12/2023 at 20:58, Old Chap Raasclaat said:

Panzer, I've had a shite Christmas. I bought a reduced turkey from Aldi and it was already gone off and rancid, ran out of leccy on me meter and had to eat half cooked roast potatoes and the Tesco value mince pies have given me the shits. 

Is this all my fault for voting Brexit, would it have been a better Christmas for me if we'd stayed in the EU?

I'm fed up. 

Could be worse OCR, you could need to get up at 530am to eke out a crust like @Wolfie.

Is it not still dark at that time of day? The very thought. 

On 24/12/2023 at 04:17, Cuntybaws said:

Tadhg.

Gesundheit.

On 23/01/2020 at 15:46, Last Cunt Standing said:

I used to really like the News Quiz on Radio 4. Barry Took, Sandi Toksvig and Miles Jupp always used to give me a good chuckle on the drive home and it was the cradle of some pretty good writers and comedians in years gone by. The miracle of the internet podcast means even I am now on foreign soil I can listen along with a morning coffee, risking odd looks from some as I giggle into my scrambled eggs. 

I have no wish to be unduly unkind to the poor girl in the latest edition, but fuck me. How can she be expected to deliver comedy with no control of her bottom jaw? The audience titter nervously, clearly embarrassed. You can imagine the edgy glances from even the most woke of fellow panellists. What is wrong with saying people sadly just can’t do certain things? I’ll never make the FA Cup Final because I’m differently abled at sport. Who do I complain to? It’s like this mass exercise in self delusion that we mustn’t erect barriers to anyone or anything, and that if Little Molly Flidspack wants to be an Astronaut she bloody well can be. Either way it made bloody awful listening and put me right off my flat white this morning. Which is a right cunt. 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000d7kg

This was posted nearly four years ago you soft-brained cunt. 

On 16/11/2023 at 05:40, Wolfie said:

I was thinking 

And here’s me thinking that burning smell was probably a bushfire. True to form, rather than just simply acknowledge your Herald of Free Enterprise error, you come out of your corner swinging wildly like some fifteenth-round punch-drunk has-been forced out of retirement in his fifties. Apparently it’s somehow my fault you make these continual errors, and pointing them out makes me Susie Dent, obsessed with your every utterance, which is quite difficult when I haven’t logged in for a month. As someone who’s been very free with his metaphorical red pen on The Corner down the years, adding hypocrite to the growing list of charming epithets I throw at you when the mood takes me seems entirely justified.

Sadly I don’t have time to indulge your inevitably tedious reply as I’ll be back on the road tonight and while I travel through remote Australia, checking in to The Corner is just below wondering how Cowdenbeath are getting on in the football in my list of priorities. Sorry if, as you complained elsewhere, this feels like boxing in even slower slow motion but five minutes a month already seems like ample time to give gobshites like you. 

I’ll be back to civilisation for Christmas, so perhaps a little light badinage before the turkey might be charitable? Gives you time to practice. It’s an unbearable 28 here in Perth today, by the way. 

In the meantime, and as is by now traditional, I’ll invite you to get fucked and hope your (singular) sphincteral opening prolapses spectacularly in the not too distant future. Catch ya, cunt. 

9 hours ago, Cuntybaws said:

Right, I've just had a skim over the past few weeks and it's pretty fucking dismal I'm afraid. It's a sad day when @ChildeHarold isn't actually the worst poster, and I'm almost looking forward to the next round in the @Wolfie and @Last Cunt Standing saga to raise the tone.

Is @ratcum dead?

Saga? Don’t they do holidays? 

I’m afraid you can’t rely on me or my occasional Lupine adversary to raise the tone. I only popped home to Perth for some household trivia, it’s back to Queensland tonight to continue The Big Lap, or my 6 month Rim Job as I’ve taken to calling it to any Churchgoing acquaintances.

See you all at Christmas. Sprouts on a low light etcetera….

4 hours ago, Wolfie said:

as wide as the Spirit of Free Enterprise's front doors

I see your commitment to accuracy has not improved in the short time I’ve been absent. 

The Herald of Free Enterprise left her bow doors open.

Wanker. 

8 hours ago, Decimus said:

To quote our dear antipodean doctor, they're laughing at you.

Yep. And these days, it’s very difficult not to join in. 

Returning to mental health for a moment, I stumbled across this video, a collaboration from Samaritans and Norwich City. The point they are making is fairly straightforward, but I can’t help but wonder if the subtext is you have to have a mental health issue to support Norwich City. Perhaps @Decimus can enlighten us, between packing his Colmans memorabilia into tea chests?

Incidentally, and this has nothing to do with my (very robust) mental health, Me and the wife are hitting the road shortly to do The Big Lap, a 15,000km circle of Australia, popular with the army of grey nomads I guess we now join. Bucket list tick. You’ll hear even less from me than usual, which I’m sure is a disappointment. 

I did contemplate libelling half the contributors with the n word and finding out what Roops keeps in her dungeon, but on reflection, I’d rather not know. 

Don’t burn the place down while I’m gone. See you in February. 

10 hours ago, Decimus said:

Not gone yet, William, December is D Day. Tbh I'm less worried about the wildlife and more concerned about that fucking idiot Trudeau making the whole experience unbearable.

We'll see what happens, it's a bit of an experiment and I'm not selling the house in case it all goes tits up. If I stay I doubt I'll ever post on here again, though. It's a catch 22, if I carry on we all know that as soon as I open my mouth on anything that isn't specifically Canadian related I'll be told to keep my fucking nose out of it. 

Amen, brother. 

2 hours ago, King Billy said:

As for your enthusiasm for murdering small babies, I’m not a big fan of such practices, but then I’m not a doctor. 

No, no, of course. You’d prefer to wait a few years until they gather together at a Catholic Youth Club then blow them sky high, wouldn’t you?

I’m afraid the moral high ground is a very distant prospect for you Bill. 

13 hours ago, King Billy said:

Spoken like a true Covid 19 veteran health professional, as Blackface McGroper Trudeau’s Canada leads the world into the new Utopia, ie abortion up to the point of birth and euthanasia on demand for everyone (no questions asked at all for either procedure). In fact if you lose your job, get evicted or just wake up one morning with a bad hangover, think ‘fuck it I’ve had enough’, and ask the state to murder you for free in Canada, the participation of an actual doctor won’t be necessary next year, as a pharmacist, a nurse or basically any ‘health care professional’ (and the last 3 years have showed us that they’re all beyond reproach) will be able to put you out of your misery, if your diabetes, depression, worrying financial or marital situation, or that niggling ache in your lower back becomes too much to cope with.

Just for clarity Bill I haven’t seen a patient professionally since Feb 2019, so professionally speaking my Covid nose is clean. Having said that, had I still been working, I’d have had one in each eyeball on the first day of issue, and happily jabbed all and sundry after that. Particularly for those fantastic sums of cash that you tell us were involved. 

As for abortion or voluntary assisted dying, I’m all in favour of that too. VAD is legal here in WA, and funnily enough society ticks along nicely. If the UK Parliament was populated by grown ups rather than toffs, crooks and liars, then giving people a legal route out of the torture of terminal neurological disease would have been sorted out yonks ago. 

In some cases, mandatory assisted dying might be appropriate. MAD enough for you?

Please adjust your tinfoil. 

1 hour ago, Penny Farthing said:

He will be back by March.

Will he bollocks. 

5 hours ago, Decimus said:

Withers, I've been preparing for a big job interview for the past two weeks, hence my lack of recent activity.

I can now happily confirm that I'll be fucking off to Canada with the family in December for a new life. This country is fucking finished and I refuse to let my kids spend another minute here. Needless to say it won't be in fucking Quebec.

Congratulations on leaving the sinking ship. Canada is a good choice. 

1 hour ago, Wolfie said:

🎯

Emojis now is it? Fuck me, whatever else I thought of you, I thought you were a man of letters. Silly me. 

I’m off to Bali to drink the place dry. Get fucked. 

4 hours ago, Wolfie said:

Fuck off you downright boring cunt. Jesus fucking H.

4 hours ago, Wolfie said:

Eddie's demise coincides with this weekend's NH Carnival, which is more than suspicious given his Afro-Caribbean roots. Commercial carwash tycoon by day, fried chicken street vendor at weekends.

It was brave, Ed, in an alcohol kind of way, I'll give you that. You'll have more time to walk your little pooch. If you did it on purpose to give yourself a breather for a while, then fair play. I guess we'll see you in a few months. Until such time...

 

As evidenced here, I’m not sure you can keep a coherent thought in your head for more than an hour these days you fucking windbag. But, that’s fine, there’s plenty of people here who will indulge you, sadly, whatever they might think privately. Though we seem to have ground to something of a truce, there’s still the occasional bullet over the wire, like the DMZ in Korea. I think you’re a Cunt, and no doubt you feel the same. 

I’m off on holiday at the weekend. Keep the place warm in my absence, dickhead. 

5 minutes ago, King Billy said:

Tucker/Trump livestream last night on Twitter…currently 178 million views in less than 24 hours. Lol lol lol.  I’ll be having the mugshot tattooed this weekend. Badge of honour.

Never let it be said you don’t stick to your guns, KB. Perhaps literally. Ciao. 

3 hours ago, Decimus said:

you can fully expect @Wolfie and I to double team your arsehole going forward until it's cavernous enough for you to stick your stupid, bald fucking head into it.

Well now there’s an image. 

18 hours ago, King Billy said:

It’s an imaginary M4 Doc. Ffs. And another thing, if you ever call me Bill again I’ll hunt you down and make sure you’re sorry you were ever born, or at least sorry you were ever found (abandoned in the doorway of the Australian Medical Council in an Aboriginal sandal sized shoebox)

My name is Billy (He/Him).

G’day mate.

Sorry Bill, won’t happen again. Looking forward to Trumpy’s mug shot later? I know I am. 

Corner tradition dictates that this coming weekend is the time for burying hatchets, holding hands and joining in a collective chorus of Kumbaya as we celebrate the Caribbean culture of London and the diversity miracle which continues to evolve across the UK. 

I’m only surprised that 48 hours before the August Bank Holiday begins, no one has yet ventured an opinion on what they are most looking forward to experiencing on the last public holiday before Summer turns to Autumn and it’s soon dark before Final Score. I can only assume everyone is distracted by the sudden death of Eddie, but it strikes me he’d like nothing more than a moment of collective cultural reflection. 

I’m off for a little blast of Bob Marley in the hot tub. 

Chin chin, brothers and sisters. Lively up yourselves. 

He said the magic word! It must be quite disconcerting for him, taken out for using the N word. And by his missus, too. Cold. 

24 hours after Pakistan struggled to cross a mountain pass, India lands on the dark side of the moon. 

Feels like the world just changed a little bit. 

19 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said:

I wonder if the workmen who built Billy Bragg’s heated indoor swimming pool were members of a union. Or perhaps he wasn’t bothered. I suspect the latter.

No idea Eric, but I imagine it’s built in the shape of a hammer and sickle. 

10 hours ago, King Billy said:

Of course all women deserve equal pay. It’s called ‘the minimum wage’.

You booked in for your womb transplant yet Bill or what? I see the technique has come to the UK and I reckon knocking out a couple of kids as a sideline to the Brothel and the Christmas Trees should keep the M3 insured for another year or two. Bon chance. 

This whiny ginger Cunt is, I’m reliably informed, currently number one in the US despite never having set foot in a recording studio in his life. The catchy little ditty Rich Men North of Richmond bemoans the modern world, in a way not unfamiliar to many Corner posters, citing rich elites, politicians, fat people and the welfare system as the reasons the world has gone to shit. The usual fruitier ends of the political spectrum, such as walking homunculus Marjorie Taylor Greene, have lauded the track as the anthem for forgotten America. I’m sure the Orange monster will leap aboard the bandwagon as soon as he posts bail. 

Adding to the general Cuntery, Corner favourite St Billy of Bragg has knocked out a mock-Country response inviting the Yokel to put his guitar down and join a Union. 

As much as I welcome the return of the protest song to the pop charts, having Right and Left slug it out over the airwaves is likely to do nothing but give Bill Gates and Warren Buffet a hard on as they watch the proles fighting each other rather than coming for them, which is surely long overdue. 

For those interested, here are the said ditties. Pick a side. Enjoy. Try not to burst your aneurysms. 
 

1 hour ago, Dyslexic cnut said:

‘PAINKILLER’.  Anyone seen this mini-series? It’s very well done with some fine acting…it’s surging up the charts, such as they are. It’s basically about big pharma (Roops?) and their nefarious behaviour that cost over half a million US lives and billions in the associated crime wave and opioid crisis that followed. In short, the greedy Cunt Stackler family sugar coated-heroin, bribed the FDA then marketed OxyContin as the dream painkiller. After a staggering campaign of advertising, celebrity endorsements and a compliant and healthily renumerated medical profession (Roops/LCS) this addictive as fuck shit was flogged to the American public like aspirin. The Stacklers and their Purdue Pharma company were at a conservative estimate at one point, worth $18B. 
I digress. The heroin (s’cuse the pun) in this mini series, was Edi Flowers, an overweight, low level, black, single lawyer who in spite of the odds and against systemic racism and real physical threats, stayed true to her guns, convinced the higher powers and eventually succeeded in bringing these utter cunts to justice. (Well, if you can call an $8.8B fine and company closure out of eventually what was a $13B fortune, justice…)

Now I’d read about this disgusting story/mass murder many years ago, but advancing Alzheimer’s combined with the mental torment due to being unemployable and pretending to jobseek seems to have clouded my powers of recollection. I decided to research the strong, black, underdog heroine, Edie Flowers, the number one star of this new Netflix blockbuster, to see where she is today and how this David v Goliath superwoman lived her life out.

I’ll leave the rest to you cunts but what I will say is….I hope Uzi Aduba died of a smack overdose. Fuck off.

I think on balance I preferred Barry Norman. 

And I don’t think you’re unemployable. My car needs a wash, for a start.