Guest Mungo Spudd Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 Well I've just shat at Reading Services on the M4. One of the key criteria for scoring my own shits is the quality of the "exit wound", and on this occasion it had a dramatically adverse effect on the overall score. So in my hour of need , I find that the absolute cunts at Moto had supplied me with arse wipe paper soooooooo fucking thin that I'm not even sure that it exsisted. I therefore need 18-20 sheets of this gossamer like substance to make enough to begin to attend to the wound. I suppose they think we use too much and this will curtail our usage but it won't of course. We will use massive amounts but now those cunts have stolen some of my time as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 So, Mongo if the whole of Reading and the Thames valley floods, we'll know who to blame with all the paper you've stuffed down the toilet. Not that I would blame you, as Reading is a collosal shit hole anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DrCunt Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 Would you prefer gossamer thin and soft or that old staple of school chod bins, the dreaded waxed paper? You know, the stuff that absorbs nothing and merely pushed the shit further from your tea towel holder. As an added bonus it also felt like you were wiping your arse with an oak log with 200 razor blades embedded in it. There's no pleasing some cunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prints Harry Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 This is shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 5 minutes ago, The Bishop said: This is shit. Disabled toilet paper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Crab Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 2 hours ago, DrCunt said: Would you prefer gossamer thin and soft or that old staple of school chod bins, the dreaded waxed paper? You know, the stuff that absorbs nothing and merely pushed the shit further from your tea towel holder. As an added bonus it also felt like you were wiping your arse with an oak log with 200 razor blades embedded in it. There's no pleasing some cunts. So you've tried everything and a bit more you haven't mentioned? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 Why not just take the bull by the horns and place your arse over the wash basin and have a good wash next time and tell anyone who stares to fuck off? I don't recommend the dyson airblade for drying off if you have piles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 3 hours ago, DrCunt said: Would you prefer gossamer thin and soft or that old staple of school chod bins, the dreaded waxed paper? You know, the stuff that absorbs nothing and merely pushed the shit further from your tea towel holder. As an added bonus it also felt like you were wiping your arse with an oak log with 200 razor blades embedded in it. There's no pleasing some cunts. I remember that shiny school bog-roll. The exact same shit that my grandmother lined baking trays and cake tins with. The asian kids used to call it, 'John Wayne paper', because it didn't take any shit from Indians. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alfie Noakes Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 5 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said: I remember that shiny school bog-roll. The exact same shit that my grandmother lined baking trays and cake tins with. The asian kids used to call it, 'John Wayne paper', because it didn't take any shit from Indians. Does this ring a bell? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said: I remember that shiny school bog-roll. The exact same shit that my grandmother lined baking trays and cake tins with. The asian kids used to call it, 'John Wayne paper', because it didn't take any shit from Indians. Before or after your No. 2s? IZAL is a mainstay throughout Fwanky's dive, He reckons it's as good as woodchip and one roll is sufficient to paper his basement. Edited January 28, 2019 by 'eavensabove Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 'eavensabove Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 4 minutes ago, Cardinal Sin said: Does this ring a bell? This one does... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 6 minutes ago, Cardinal Sin said: Does this ring a bell? medicated? Good idea, they could impregnate it with deep heat so poor people could feel like they'd had a big slap-up vindaloo the day before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 29 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said: I remember that shiny school bog-roll. The exact same shit that my grandmother lined baking trays and cake tins with. The asian kids used to call it, 'John Wayne paper', because it didn't take any shit from Indians. I thought it was because after treating your arse to that stuff, made you walk like you've lost your horse. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DrCunt Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 31 minutes ago, Cardinal Sin said: Does this ring a bell? Medicated? With what? Is the genius in this that even though it didn't clean the shit away it did kill the coliform bacteria in it, meaning you could happily spend your entire day walking around with a 1 micron thick film of bacteria free fresh shit coating your entire arse cheeks after you'd spent half an hour trying to clean up without success? As @Eric Cuntman alluded to, possibly good for a number of uses, grease proof paper for baking, tracing paper, making gaskets for industrial flanges... But as bog roll it was, well, quite literally shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Crab Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 1 hour ago, Cardinal Sin said: Why not just take the bull by the horns and place your arse over the wash basin and have a good wash next time and tell anyone who stares to fuck off? I don't recommend the dyson airblade for drying off if you have piles. Leave some shit on the tap handle for whoevernext's evening face wash. Just a courtesy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Crab Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 22 minutes ago, DrCunt said: Medicated? With what? Is the genius in this that even though it didn't clean the shit away it did kill the coliform bacteria in it, meaning you could happily spend your entire day walking around with a 1 micron thick film of bacteria free fresh shit coating your entire arse cheeks after you'd spent half an hour trying to clean up without success? As @Eric Cuntman alluded to, possibly good for a number of uses, grease proof paper for baking, tracing paper, making gaskets for industrial flanges... But as bog roll it was, well, quite literally shit. Izal, a name to conjure with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Crab Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 I love the Lidl Clover brand four packs that have detailed step by step instructions on cellophane how to wipe your arse. Are you kidding? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuntybaws Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 I wonder why no-one has invented a space age funnel made out of something even more frictionless than Teflon (Buckminsterfullerene, or some such modern wonder material) that you jam up your arse prior to an evacuation so that the shit never even touches your stubbly arse cheeks. A quick rinse after use, no toilet paper needed ever again, save ££££££'s. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DrCunt Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 33 minutes ago, Cuntybaws said: I wonder why no-one has invented a space age funnel made out of something even more frictionless than Teflon (Buckminsterfullerene, or some such modern wonder material) that you jam up your arse prior to an evacuation so that the shit never even touches your stubbly arse cheeks. A quick rinse after use, no toilet paper needed ever again, save ££££££'s. Fucking 'ell, you're the first man in history to elucidate the only way to use Izal and not end up covered in cack: roll it into a funnel and shove it up your arse. As an added bonus you can play a mean tuba solo if you're flatulent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 4 hours ago, Mungo Spudd said: Well I've just shat at Reading Services on the M4. One of the key criteria for scoring my own shits is the quality of the "exit wound", and on this occasion it had a dramatically adverse effect on the overall score. So in my hour of need , I find that the absolute cunts at Moto had supplied me with arse wipe paper soooooooo fucking thin that I'm not even sure that it exsisted. I therefore need 18-20 sheets of this gossamer like substance to make enough to begin to attend to the wound. I suppose they think we use too much and this will curtail our usage but it won't of course. We will use massive amounts but now those cunts have stolen some of my time as well. If I ever find myself exiled to Reading, I'll have to remember to keep my hands in my pockets, and make no civil gesture towards any of the filthy cunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Crab Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 "THIS WEEK I HAVE BEEN MOSTLY EATING BUBBLE AND SQUEAK" Fast Show Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Cuntman Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 7 minutes ago, Crab said: "THIS WEEK I HAVE BEEN MOSTLY EATING BUBBLE AND SQUEAK" Fast Show My favourite was the week where Jesse had been mostly eating acorns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wizardsleeve Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 7 minutes ago, Crab said: "THIS WEEK I HAVE BEEN MOSTLY EATING BUBBLE AND SQUEAK" Fast Show Posts like this would indicate you've been eating lead paint dainties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Crab Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 2 minutes ago, Eric Cuntman said: My favourite was the week where Jesse had been mostly eating acorns. The outside lav was a gem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camberwell gypsy Posted January 28, 2019 Report Share Posted January 28, 2019 2 hours ago, Eric Cuntman said: My favourite was the week where Jesse had been mostly eating acorns. The fast show was 70% shite and 30% funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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