Eric Cuntman

Nothing wrong with Angel Delight. Better than all that wank they put on the trolley in restaurants. So is Arctic Roll.

Go AIDS go!!

He already had a copy.

‘So how do you keep it so warm in here then?’

And I bet you dream of flushing toilets when you’re crouched in the gutter, curling out a garlicky one in the rain alongside le neighbours.

TRMS & Conditions apply.

Licking Kate Silverton not good enough?

Tell him you love him. Poofs are notoriously commitment-shy.

Sadia wall mounted water heaters. A big white cylinder with a swivelling chromed spout and a Bakelite tap on the front. The landing toilet was a ‘Dauntless Rubberline’. A fucking great black rubber cistern mounted on iron brackets near the ceiling. I miss that sort of luxury.

Nurse G-G-G-Gladys Emanuelle… they wouldn’t let Ronnie Barker do that now. He’s dead.

I didn’t hear any tambourine playing.

When I was 18 and moved into my first shithole, a bedsit, it had one big official meter downstairs and all the rooms had little 50p meters that the landlord emptied. Although the coin boxes all had the same key and one of the tenants had a copy. Put the 50p in the slot, catch it and put it back through. I didn’t feel guilty. The landlord was a Welsh Jew.

I thought it was Trey Blinka.

All meter readers get one.

He’s never forgiven you for threatening to stick your finger up his ‘arris when you were talking to the little dachshund statue.

The last time I got him was about 4 years ago and he was pissed out of his skull.

Fucking hell. Tempus fugit. Have we all been here that long? I remember when you were Ainsley Harriot.

Sorry Ereptyle. I forgot you’re a twenty something dope fiend.

And then forgot to correct that. I love these little moments once every few years when I get to catch you out.

I’ve got a gadget for helping people who have ‘difficult moods’. It’s a pickaxe handle.

Catherine L Trucks

Thank you Linda Rondstat.

There’s only been one stabbing in Greater London in the last 30 years. When Stephen Lawrence was murdered by every Caucasian in Britain before he had a chance to become an architect or cure cancer. No black people have ever been involved in violent crime and anyone who disagrees is a bigot. Your ‘Stabbing Tour’ will have to be a bus stop in Eltham and that archway in Whitechapel where some feminist peace workers were murdered by a white man.

I hate the presumptive way that they assume how much people eat anyway. And the word ‘servings’ is fucking insipid. I assume they avoid ‘portion’ because of its school playground connotations of ‘one up the cunt’. But you are absolutely right. Even a medium sized bag of crisps (50g) will tell you that you’re supposed to “share” it and divide it into two. 50 grams… less than 2 ounces of potato. Fucking hippie queer cunts. And Uncle Ben’s is shit now as well so they can fuck off wherever they sent that poor old black man.

What’s your take on his actual chronological age then?