I’ve just had the wife’s Mackem mother here for a week, Eric. She’s a walnut-faced cuntess that I can’t understand. I call her Bernie Warhol because she looks like a cross between Ecclestone and Andy. Originally I thought she owned a lot of land up there as she was always banging on about her farms. After I tied the knot I found out that the stupid ugly cuntess was obsessed with something called ‘Farmville’ which is a virtual farm game. I was fucking mortified, frankly…and now I’m fucked. She hasn’t got a pot to piss in.