Decimus

Stubby? We had an accord, then I read this shit. What the fuck have you been playing at?

I've passed your details on to Mr. Duterte. Expect a knock on your door imminently.

He's talking shit. Taking into account the average life expectancy of a Filipino female, Ming can expect to live a further 60 years.

I'm not saying anything. All you need to know is that although women are notorious for lying about their age, Ming takes this to the next level. I suspect that dirty cunt Frank is fully aware of the facts.

Frank is married to a Filipino with a dubious D.O.B. on her passport, and Bill enjoys Asian sojourns that take him far off the beaten track and away from the law. Join the fucking dots together, Columbo, and do something about it.

@William T.D. Stickers explain yourself.

He went to Malaysia last year. I don't know about you, but I'm always suspicious of the intentions of white heterosexual males who go on excursions to southeast Asia alone.

A shit one at that. If I was going on a fictional trip to Bruges I'd at least order twelve fake pints of 12% Bush.

Bill has gone to Bruges and ordered base Leffe, no doubt in a half pint glass. What sort of mad cunt goes to the home of premium high strength beer and orders some shit you could get in a Basildon Wetherspoons?

Quincy, Bill has absolutely fucking disgraced himself. However, I've revealed a far worse crime tonight and morally no longer feel that I can continue this line of abuse. Are you OK to carry on from here?

Frank, I need to seek absolution. I've tried to be a good student over the years, my plagiarism runs so deep and authentically that many members now believe that the Walnut Head video was mine. However, I currently find myself at Elveden Centre Parcs like some sort of suburban lowlife. There are four other couples and a total of 15 kids. The tiny lodge stinks of vomit, shitty nappies, two day old Tesco Chardonnay and the synchronised menstrual cycles of five heavily medicated housewives. Besides killing them all and myself, I just don't know what to do. Suggestions?

When you presented yourself as homeless at the council, I did warn you about the potential legal ramifications of building your shack on the waste ground behind the Gapton Hall estate. Now fuck off and clear your shit out.

Bill, only a complete and utter fucking bellend would go to Bruges and drink leffe. It's the equivalent of a vile American coming to Britain to sample traditional fish and chips who then subsequently ends up in a Harry fucking Ramsden's. Get on the Gulden Draak or the Bush Ambrée. Failing that, kill yourself. Leffe indeed. You've disgraced yourself.

You mistake me, you drunken cunt. I was impressed by your reviews, not disgusted. It seems that unlike most on here you are the genuine article. A real world 100% genuine 24 carat cunt. The denizens of the Edinburgh rental market got everything they deserved. I particularly enjoyed the story where a tenant rang in tears and you could be heard laughing and swearing about them in the background.

Hopefully not that rarest of beasts, the white dog shit. He couldn't handle being related to the brown stuff.

Haha lol! it's funny coz she iz black You utter fucking wanker.

@Quincy Cockfingers your public demands you answer for your terrible, terrible online reviews. Even by estate agent standards you're a despicable shyster.

Eric?!

Old Red's in town.

Looks like you lads had quite the party on here last night, what with Quincy practising his vile Judge Grindr role play and Frank back to his disgusting best. Well played, and certainly more entertaining than the shit next door starring BDS. Does anyone want my recipe for a knuckle sandwich? LOL LOL LOL LOL ROFL PMSL LMFAO Fuck off, etc.

I'm off my face. All I can visualise is you as a disembodied head a'la Sean Ryder in the Gorrilaz 'Dare' video, mispronouncing basic words and demanding to be fed cubes of coke straight off of my John Thomas.

Get fucked.

Have you factored Elliot Gould into your calculations?

Control your quotes then, cunt. You're all over the shop.

What holiday? As you well know, with six hungry catholic kids to feed, an ungrateful wife with an addiction to QVC, and an ongoing drinking problem, I haven't had a holiday since the May bank holiday of 2014 when Bill and I spent a weekend at your timeshare in Arles.